My Verbally Abusive Marriage

There must be something in the air. My mood is so serious, like a rain-filled cloud threatening to rain on my parade.

Although I feel in my gut that I’m moving in the right direction, I’m getting stronger, finding out who I am and what I like (and don’t), … there’s something heavily sad about this weekend.

Will and I have talked several times, amicably enough, in the past weeks. But Saturday, I found myself embroiled in a disagreement with Will, told to quit popping off at the mouth and scolded about my soap opera drama. I didn’t see it that way. Said to stop telling me what I was doing and what my intentions were. He got madder. We hung up the phone. It didn’t last long.

Somewhere in there, in response to him telling me he didn’t trust me and that he thought I was up to no good and being dishonest, I said, “You’ve always thought that of me.” He replied that no, he hadn’t always thought it, that its a recent thing. He got angry that I had said it, told me that he was sorry he’d tried to talk to me. I thought to myself that he wasn’t talking to me, but at me.

When we hung up, I tried to shrug it off as if his words didn’t bother me. They did. But I think what is really bothering me now is what I said: “You’ve always thought that of me.” Shrinks will tell you to not use words like “always” in conversations because they’re accusing words. But I used one, he felt defensive, and the rest is history.

Now, writing this, I’m torn between two paths I could write about. The first one is that it would be nice if he had only said, “I don’t think it’s fair to say ‘always’” to which I could have corrected myself. Or at least apologized for inflammatory language.

But (and here’s the second path), I think I was right. I don’t think I said it to be accusing or to pop off or to start some drama. I think I said it because it was what I was thinking, and the more I think about it, I think I was right.

Although I do wish I hadn’t used the word because I want to learn better ways of expressing myself that don’t ignite someone’s defenses, there are several reasons why I think “always” was the right word to describe what I felt:

• In the beginning, I was called “whore” often. He didn’t trust me to be faithful to him.
• When I did tell him about the kiss one of his friends dished out, he told me that I was mistaken, that his friends would never betray him. Sometimes he would come home and “investigate” the house. He’d look for something out of place, or maybe something to give away what I was doing with my time when he was at work. Sometimes he’d get lucky and feel like he hit the jackpot, caught me in some imagined lie and confront me. This wasn’t usually about “other men” it was about how I spent my time. There were times when no explanation would satisfy him. He didn’t trust me to tell him the truth.
• Although eventually all the finances fell to me to handle, he constantly insinuated of my mishandling them and became angry over what I’d spent without bothering to find out what our expenses actually were. He didn’t trust me with “his” money.
• When our children would act out and misbehave, or behave in a way he considered wrong for “men”, he claimed that it was my influence causing their dysfunction. If I’d only spanked them more, if I weren’t so soft on them, if only I’d act more like him when he was away on deployment, they’d know better. He didn’t trust me with his children.

Integrity, sex, money, children… what else was there to our marriage? I feel that there was nothing at all I could have done to gain his trust in any of those areas. Everyone has weaknesses, everyone makes mistakes, and I am no saint. But for crying out loud, how could I really have fought this issue? If he doesn’t have trust inside of him, then how could I earn his trust? I wonder if he had any to give (to me, at least).

When I would bring these things up to him, he would answer with, “I married you, didn’t I?” or “I must trust you, I have to leave you with the boys when I deploy,” or “You’re the one who handles the money, aren’t you? You could really screw me if you wanted to!” All true statements, but never truly honest.

Sigh.

But there is a silver lining to the storm cloud. It happened today. Will told me that he thinks our relationship should be “only business.” He wants to pull away from me. He said that he can tell I’m moving on, but he’s still stuck in the anger and hurt. He wants to detach, and he set clear boundaries. I listened to him without saying much at all.

A big piece of me is so freaking proud of him! A big piece of me wanted to tell him that he was on the right track, that detaching from me was the right thing to do in order to find peace and health and happiness.

And a small piece of me is sad. The little wife inside of me wanted to hug him and tell him that it would all be all right. That I appreciated his vulnerability and that his decision is a wise one. And I cried (after he left) because he is detaching from me.

You see, when I started this blog, I thought Will and I would be married forever. I thought we’d have our ups and downs and solve the downs and be happy. I thought when he saw what effect his words and actions had on me that he would change them because he loved me. I thought we would heal together, never to be torn apart.

But now he and I are healing on our own. We won’t be together when we’re happy next. We won’t be married forever having overcome the trials of our own humanity. We’ll never sit on the porch together, rocking, gray hair blowing in the breeze.

I must detach from that dream, and saying goodbye to it hurts more than any dream I’ve ever held and released before.

Todd communicated with me today, and I am so happy to hear from him. I posted his testimonial earlier today, and now is as good a time as any to let you know how he’s doing.

From Todd:

Hi Kellie,

I hope you are in a safe peaceful place in your life. My wife and I are still separated and it’s been 90 + days and I am making progress with my abuse but still have some ways to go to build up her faith & trust. There are times that I take a step backwards but seems to put things in a clearer perspective for me to learn from because I have the will to improve me. I sure love my wife and kids, but I need to be patient, kind, honest and understanding in all my affairs! Please feel free to upload this and display it if you would like on the blog. Take care!

“…patient, kind, honest and understanding” sure sounds like a winning combination. Todd, I’m thinking good thoughts for you.

Whew! Allison submitted a testimonial from the other side of the abuse. She left 7 years ago, and has been busy! Book published, paper under consideration by the Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment and Trauma, scholarship granted…

But perhaps most inspiring is Allison left her abuser when she was 56 years old. Her life is not over, there are many many blessed years left for her to continue LIVING and accomplishing whatever she sets her mind to do. Never let the number of years you’ve suffered determine the number of years you will accept it.

Todd’s testimonial has a twist: his story comes from the point of view of the abuser. I’ve communicated with Todd outside of this testimonial and he seems very sincere and ready to change. He mentions “Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control You” by Patricia Evans as the book that helped after his wife moved out with his two children.

You can read his testimonial at Todd’s Abuse Testimonial. I am so excited to have a testimonial like Todd’s on the site! I wish him love and luck in regaining his family through truthful actions and words.

My sister, Erin, supports me consistantly and constantly. She loves me regardless of my decisions, actions, and quirks. She knows my dark side and thinks it’s valuable. I couldn’t love her more, yet every day, I do love her more.

Before I recognized the abuse in my life, she was largely quiet about it for fear of her words pushing me away from her. She knew, instinctively, that Will (probably subconsciously) wanted everyone who loved me far, far away – or at least that’s how it appeared. Still, she would cry with me when I hurt in large part because there were things she wanted to say but held them inside. Or at least, this is the way I think it played out.

One time, after realizing the abuse for myself,  I asked her why she didn’t just TELL me I was being abused, and she said, “Would you have believed me if I had?” Of course, the answer was “No.” I’ll never ask that question again of her or anyone else who loves me. It’s not up to them to tell us what is going on, is it? It’s something we have to realize inside of ourselves.

Erin is a very wise woman. She’s decided to put her skills to work helping other people who need fresh ideas and perspectives so they can move away from the things, people and ideas that hurt them. She wants us all to live in our own light, within our own power augmented by Spirit (God, Goddess, Angels, The Powers that Be…).

Here is an email she sent me on facebook two days ago. She said I could share it, and Iwant to because you need to know that there are people in the world like her. People who support you, who love you, who are just itching to help you. You may not see them until you take off the blinders abuse is causing you to wear.

Here is her email:

“I think you are overlooking something you don’t want to look at again… yet.

“You are a survivor. You pushed your way through a horrid time in your life when you was married, and then again pushed your way through the time of uncertainty after you left.

“Other women need to know this can be done. They need to know that after they leave their abusive marriages, they will come out better on the other end.

“I think you are just not ready for it yet. You are not ready to re-visit the pain of it; or to be faced with the women who are still enduring it because you NEED to keep pushing through this segment in your life for right now.

“So, don’t question what you should be doing to earn an income. You are loving your life where you are right now; and I think that is exactly where you need to be. The time will reveal itself to you when it is time to step back into the world that brought you to where you are now…

“The only difference is that you will already be on the other side. Completely.

“Keep doing what you are doing. You haven’t been this happy, or this authentic in a long time. Own it. Live it.

“You will know when the time is right.

“I love you, and I am so proud of you Kellie!!!”

The good news is that even if you don’t know a soul like Erin right now, you can contact her now at her website, Dear Erin. The link takes you to her “What Dear Erin Does” page. I encourage you to contact her because her first two clients are free if you agree to give her a testimonial in return.

Lately I’ve not preached the gospel of what verbal abuse IS or how it is affecting me because I’m in a new phase. The phase that exists after the prime abuser is removed from the majority of life. However, just because I’m revelling in the freedom, that doesn’t mean that all of YOU are revelling with me! So I’d like to share some links about abuse and where you can find help and relief from it.

The Narcissism Daily Mirror, author Kim Cooper, is writing a series on verbal abuse. The latest one is When verbal abuse is covert or may not sound like verbal abuse … Check to the right of the article to view the others pertaining to verbal abuse.

My friend recently found a site called Women Exhale. It’s an inexpensive alternative to traditional therapy for abuse victims, and it is not insurance based, meaning that your abuser will not receive notice of your choice to seek therapy from any insurance approval letters that may come to your house.

Patricia Evans, author of books such as “The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change?”, is online at VerbalAbuse.com. I highly recommend becoming a member of her message boards. Yes, you must call the toll free number to join the board, but this is done to ensure only abuse victims have access to this resource. No abuse perpetrators allowed. When I called, I spoke to Patricia directly, and had access to the boards within minutes.

For information on verbal abuse, try Dr. Irene.Please call or virtually visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 even if you don’t know what you’re going to say, and even if you haven’t experienced the physically violent side of domestic violence (yet). Domestic violence includes mental, emotional, verbal, financial, and all other sorts of abuse. Just because you’ve never had a bloody lip or blackened eye does NOT mean you are not experiencing domestic violence.

To read my story from the beginning (1992), start at Less Than I Am and click “Next” at the upper right to continue. Or to read testimonials from other abuse survivors, visit Your Journal Entries.

Also, check out the Blogroll and Links section to the right, near my facebook badge. The more you know, the more powerful you become. The more power you have within yourself, the sooner you can make changes to stop the cycle of abuse.

You do not have to leave your abuser right now or ever, you can stay. That is a valid choice.

For me, I chose to stay until I’d reached a point of power within myself that did not allow me to stay any longer. But before that point, I had begun reacting differently to the abuse. Back then, there was no way to know if my husband would change or not, but I hoped he would.

Hope is not a solution, it’s a distraction. Stop hoping and start educating yourself.

The past month whirled around me, through me, like a red wine hurricane. I feel alive and strong, but spinning uncontrollably in my heart are questions and wishes that I’m not ready to answer or fulfill. I feel like I’m in danger of losing my vision because time isn’t pacing itself with my desires – what I want to become, who I want to be is not yet centered inside of me. The person I want to be is still ahead of me on the timeline while I’m forced to continue living in the present.

I am grateful beyond words that the only voice in my head is my own. After so many years of sharing space with Will’s voice, I had hoped hearing only my own would end the confusion and doubt. Living free and dis-anchored from Will’s reality set loose a storm of giddy emotions, loving dreams, and happy thoughts within me. I’ve loved the time I’ve spent in the whirl, loved the people I’ve met, loved the feelings of re-connectedness to life itself. But, as all storms, it is passing and I’m left to deal with the thoughts and decisions I made in the spin-cycle.

Despite the whirlwind of emotion, underlying it on the earthy path of my soul, I knew I was in danger of being swept away into a different kind of false world. If I weren’t careful, I could easily exchange Will’s version of reality for another unreal reality, a possibly more dangerous one made up of my own delusion and wish-craft. A conversation with the powers that be warned me of the magical world of delusion and falsehood and then my flesh and bone therapist said, “It isn’t REAL, Kellie. You’re not yet separate from Will, from that life. You need more time.”

Of course, my ego denied the gods and the therapist outright. This delusion was FUN, it was EXCITING, and it was WORKING! … Dammit. And people around me were in danger of being hurt by it; I was in danger of being hurt by it. My boundaries blurred, my dreams for myself pushed aside, I realize I am spending too much time in the whirlwind and not enough time feeling my feet on the ground.

Right as I left my therapists office, I turned and asked her “How long should this last? Do I have at least another month?” I meant the storm of good-emotion fuel, the feeling of being high on living. She said, “As long as it needs to. There’s no set time.” And although I told myself with forced smile that I could ride for at least another six months, inside of me, the storm began to quiet.

I tried to deny the silencing of the storm. I forged ahead, made an emotional decision that felt good in order to re-ignite the dramatic whirl. But what I found was the drama wasn’t worth the price I asked another person to pay. The seed was planted in my mind, I know the storm is coming to an end, and that the person I am right now is not the person I’m destined to become. I’m not the person I want to be…yet.

So now I’m standing here on a muddied path, feeling alive and humbled, letting the greenish overcast that fills the atmosphere after a storm flow through me. The color green heals, so I know that the coming down from the high is also part of my destiny.

Although I’m saddened to know the storm has passed, it also feels good to know that I’ve weathered it. I haven’t blown so far from my path that  it is unrecognizable. My feet are firmly planted in about a half inch of mud, much different from the waist-deep shit I was entrenched in months ago. This mud will dry, the sky will turn blue, the birds will sing and life is good.

Life is different, again, but washed clean and humbly refreshed.

For the first time in a very long time, I’m dealing with a variety of emotions, bad and good (if I have to judge an emotion as bad or good…). In the last year(s?) of my marriage, I dealt with anger, betrayal, fear, bitterness, probably even hate. But now there is a whole world of emotion to experience that I didn’t recognize or had forgotten about or refused to feel. Most likely a combination of all three.

I was talking to someone tonight and realized that EVERYTHING is different now. The way I experience the world thrills me beyond hope and reason. My microfiber chair is softer, my cat is crazier, food tastes better, music means more. Water is a need instead of a treat I may give myself if I pass a sink on the way to do something for someone else. Now I stop by the sink all the time and I love the sound of the water whooshing from the faucet, anticipating the non-taste of the cold, and quenching a deep thirst I hadn’t paid attention to before.

The emotions swirling around my heart and mind excite me. Some I think I “shouldn’t” feel, but I’m trying not to shut them off. Maybe letting them run their course, as I’ve let my anger and hate run their course, will ease the intensity and mystery. Pretending not or trying not to feel something I feel is not a good thing – I know that now. Being inundated with these new-found high-energy hopes (and doubts) is luxurious. Like a cold drink from the faucet “just because”. I need it. I need this time.

Married to Will, I spent my days deciphering HIS emotions, his thoughts, his wants in order to avoid upsetting the balance. I didn’t do it very well and beat myself up about that. But what I was missing was my own life, my own internal workings. Outward focused, I forgot what it felt like to truly FEEL something that came from ME.

Now I am trying very hard to stay inside my own body. I am refusing to guess what he meant by that, what she meant by that. I am trying to ask questions and accept the answer. I think I throw people off a little sometimes. They’re not used to it – being asked to clarify. But I think most appreciate it when they realize that I am truly curious, not judging or waiting to judge their response. I’ve been lucky to be around people who are open to me.

Life is a luxury that I haven’t lived in a very long time. I’m changing that.

Absolutely! I can do anything good!

As you may have gathered from my last post, I am entertaining the thought of having some wonderful sex in the future. (:Pd:) While that is true, I can’t seem to think about sex without also thinking about a “RELATIONSHIP”. Well, that isn’t entirely true. I very well can imagine the sex without a relationship, but I can’t imagine me having sex without also having it evolve into a relationship.

Crap. That isn’t entirely true either. Grabbing some guy off the street has crossed my mind. But I’ve got to tell you, I don’t think it would work very well today. When I was in high school in the 80′s, probably; today, I doubt it.

I have a good reason for doubting it, too. The first weekend I was without my boys, my good friend took me out to a bar. (She’s a brave woman!) We got completely wasted, and bless her dear husband who both dropped us off and waited patiently until the wee morning hours to pick us up again.

I was not there to “grab a guy off the street”. I was there to drink. With my friend. And hopefully not cry. Which I didn’t.

What I did experience were several conversations with several guys ranging in age from about 25 to 65. Some were creepy, some were soldiers, some were creepy soldiers. Anyhow, at one point when a young soldier who hadn’t found a woman his age to talk to, he began talking to me and my friend. I asked how he felt about sex with strangers, and his answer was, “Well, I’d have to think about it. There are STD’s and shit out there.”

I wondered just how long a young man in this day and age would think about it. Back in my day, the thought was probably about 15 seconds. But I digress.

His answer made me think about a hundred million diseases that are out there, and that if I did decide to have sex with some guy, then I couldn’t trust a mere condom to protect me. I’d have to know him, know his history. I’d have to trust him (and the condom brand).

And TRUST is a difficult feeling for me to conjure these days. Anyone I’m with, from here on out, will be someone I trust. Which takes “some guy off the street” out of the running.

On the other side of it is “the guy”. If I am looking for someone similar to me, then he’s going to want to know my history, too. He’s going to want to be able to trust me. Because I do want to trust a man again in the future, then I have to make sure – completely positive – that I am being honest with any potential lover I meet. Or know. Or knew once upon a time. Or imagined and then discovered that he was real after rubbing a genie bottle.

And to be honest with HIM, I have to be honest with myself. And that could very well prove to be the hardest thing to do.

After all, I am getting to know myself over again. I am discovering how I’ve changed as well as how I’ve remained the same. It’s kind of exciting, but it’s also a tricky ride. Sometimes I don’t know if “old Kellie” is at the wheel or if I am doing the driving. It’s confusing.

I don’t want to default to “old Kellie’s” thinking because it may not be my true thought. That girl may be long gone, but I don’t think so. There are some things I remember about myself that I would like to repeat. For example:

• I loved to lift weights. I loved to eat foods that allowed my muscles to show. I cheated on those diets back then but couldn’t now because of slowing metabolism…but still. I liked that experience very much.
• I loved to draw and paint. I still “think” I would love to do that, but I’m wondering if my creativity is best served via writing now.
• I loved sex. It was fun and adventurous, loving and crazy. I made mistakes with sex that I won’t repeat, but I wouldn’t take the experiences back for a million dollars. (Well, maybe I’d cash in on a couple.)
• I loved seeing people grow and become more of who they were. I loved it when my friends did something they thought they couldn’t. I loved it when I reached a goal for myself.
• I loved being able to accept that people could freely move in and out of my life while leaving the door open for their return. Sometimes when they left they never came back, but sometimes the miracle was in their return.
• I loved being a free spirit. “Things” weren’t always rosy; in fact, sometimes they were pretty shitty. But my openness to life and its miraculous events created more goodness than I had imagined. Being free allowed the flow of life to continue.

And yes, back in the day I had no qualms with grabbing up some guy off the street. Now I do. So there are things “new Kellie” is not going to do:

• I hate that I used to hide my true feelings out of shame or because someone told me I “shouldn’t” feel that way. I feel the way I feel, dammit. When I express the feeling, maybe it will change or evolve. Maybe it won’t.
• I hate that I kept parts of myself secreted away because of fear. I don’t want anyone in my life who judges me against him or herself. We’re all different…we’re all wonderful. Let me be wonderful too!
• I hate that I acted proud of some of my actions but secretly felt ashamed. I want to do things that I am proud of inside and out. This will require thinking before acting – a forming skill that I will develop more fully.
• I hate that I allowed myself to be absorbed by another person. I want to always see the line of distinction between “me” and “you”.  And I want to choose what is good for “me” over what is good for “you” OR consciously choose what is better for “you” because that’s what I want to do, not because “you” say it’s the only way or promise me that my “turn” is only a little time away.

I am opening the flow once more. I’ve been closed off to it for long enough. I expect good things, and great things happen. Boy, some guy is going to be lucky to know me…in a few years.