I had a long day. I haven’t experienced any emotional upheavals, and the doubts and fears I carry seem to be at bay. I’m feeling great. But I noticed something weird. There is a lot of time to fill when there is no anxiety. At least, no anxiety that is dependent on Will’s actions (Things Abusers Say and Do).
Here is a list of some of the things I did not feel anxious about today:
- Did I remember to pack his lunch last night? Did he go to work without it? I hope he had socks that were acceptable to wear – he must have because I didn’t hear any drawers slamming this morning.
- Is the house presentable? Will the other things I’ve done today excuse the dirt on the floor and the unwashed dishes?
- Should I keep under wraps what I did today, or should I remind him that I went to the Woman’s Club meeting? Is what I purchased at the store needed or wasteful and do I tell him about it or let it appear like magic from the toiletry closet?
- Did I sit on my ass too long after I got home? Could I clean and wash clothes and pick up after the kids and clean the litter boxes and care for the household-running minutia?
- Will he look around the house tonight with that disgusted look on his face? Is he going to say something to me before or after he starts drinking?
- Is he going to come home already smelling like alcohol?
- The report cards are due. I need to see them before him so I can guess how he will react and prepare for it.
- Is he going to mutter about having chicken for dinner again after we take our separate rooms? I’d like to watch Medium tonight, but I don’t want to sit in there with him – he thinks my shows are stupid. Maybe I can write without him getting mad that I am writing. It depends.
- He didn’t ask me how I was or give me a hug when he got home. Does that mean something?
- He is dumping ice in his glass. I wish he weren’t having another drink.
- He is in there talking to the air as if it were me. He doesn’t want a response; he just wants me to listen. Should I acknowledge him or pretend not to hear?
- Now he talks to our son about me without saying he is talking about me. Women always do this or always do that … He is being so hateful. Do I say something? How much has he drunk already? I almost wish he were drunk so I could more easily pretend his words are unintentional.
- He is quiet. What time is it? Let me go see if he fell asleep on the couch.
- Should I wake him up to go to bed? Will he be madder that I woke him up or that he woke up on the couch tomorrow morning? Will he try to continue the conversation with the air if I wake him up?
- Is it okay to lie next to him or should I keep my distance? Maybe I can put my feet on him … that way I can pretend we feel close.
You tell me. Am I happy he is gone?
Read this entire post and more. Buy My Abusive Marriage . . . and what happened when i left it by Kellie Jo Holly
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