My brain hit the ground running this morning. I tried unsuccessfully to feel the warmth of Max beside me, the soft wind from the fan and the cozy-soft microfiber sheets. But my brain wouldn’t have it. It was like while sleeping, it discovered all the answers and couldn’t wait to put me into action.

Unfortunately, those answers got lost in transitioning from sleeping to waking, and I found myself bombarded with noisy kids, messy house, and the other signs that I wasn’t in control of much at all.

I want to have my peaceful home back, the one that I miraculously found in May of 2010 that enabled me to think to myself without interruption. I miss my safe, silent, cocoon.

On the other hand, my sons are both here all if not most of the time. Their friends are comfortable here. Max warms my heart with his presence.

The relationships in my life are intact even if this house appears turbulent.

I am learning that intact, joyful relationships hold more joy and tranquility that working alone in a neat and tidy home. I find that I am literally afraid of having a messy home because of what it says about me…or rather, what a messy home caused him to say about me. I despise “the mess” only because he despised the mess.

When my home is messy, I hear a voice tell me that I have no sense of responsibility, I am lazy, I am letting down my family, and that if I can’t keep the house clean than what good am I. You know what? Those words are untrue, they are his, and it’s time I let them go so I can follow my dreams.

I plan to quit my day job in December. I want to begin the new year with the hours I need to grow a new career.

I love my job at Tarheel ChalleNGe. I love each individual child who comes through those doors and do my best to instill a sense of hope and pride in the one’s I’m able to help. When I go to work, I am fully engaged with my work.

All said, “work” takes up 10.5 hours of each day, Monday through Friday, when you account for shower and drive time. This leaves very little time to pursue my dream of helping abuse victims find their way out of the abusive cycle.

I want to throw myself into helping to create joyful people, joyful families, and I want this work to center around abused people.

I think I’m going to sacrifice his judgments so I am free to walk my path.