I did not write this essay. I found it at http://www.conversationsforabetterworld.com/2009/11/domestic-violence/ in response to a comment I posted in 2009. I admire this woman’s depth of thought, and since we’ve been discussing courts, law, etc. on facebook, I thought it was a relevant idea to share.
Saturday 21st November, 2009, 2:57pm
I left my abusive husband Jan. 8, 2009 after being together for almost 11 years. I endured every kind of abuse there is: psychological, emotional, verbal, sexual, economic and physical. We have 4 children together and they were a major reason for me staying for so long. I tried to keep the family together and I was a stay at home mom. My children and I were immediately placed in a confidential DV shelter where we stayed for 2 months. We then went to stay with my sister for 4 months, my mom for 2 weeks, and we’ve been with a friend living in her basement since August.
In response to Kellie Jo’s post, I think there is something to the antisocial personality disorder aspect of abusive and violent men after accidentally coming across some information recently at:
I was doing some research because I’ve been worried about my 5 year old son for quite some time. All of our children except for my 5 month old, (I was 3 mos. pregnant when I left him) have witnessed all of the abuse in the home. They are traumatized and exhibit their own developmental and behavioral problems as a result. But my 5 year old son seems the most adversely affected. He is aggressive, very emotional, has low self esteem, and is obsessed with death. He finds a way to incorporate death, dead, dying, kill, killing, in some form of his conversation all throughout the day.
I am concerned that he may grow up to be a batterer or worse. The children have been in therapy but it doesn’t seem to touch on this area for him and the thought occurred to me that maybe he has some sociopathic tendencies. His talk of death isn’t the only sign I see, so I thought maybe there is a way to tell or have your child evaluated if you believe they may be headed toward a life of sociopathy. In searching for help for my son is where I came across the LoveFraud.com website.
While reading the key symptoms of a sociopath, I recognized ALL of those behaviors in my husband. Basically everything the website talked about in regards to these kinds of people, were things I had seen or heard from my husband. It sent a chill up my spine. The other thing was that these traits are hereditary, which made me even more concerned for my son and how I can help him.
According to psychologists, socio/psycho paths can NEVER change. So I too had the thought that if someone is abusive because of antisocial personality disorders, then they cannot be helped. My husband is in court ordered domestic violence classes, but I don’t believe they will do a thing. Most sociopaths aren’t serial killers or even murderers; they are just very bad people who don’t have a conscience like everyone else. They are incapable of love, empathy or guilt.
So maybe it is the sociopath in them that causes many of the men who are violent to be that way in the first place. That would explain why they do it again and again and they are never truly remorseful. That would explain why most studies say that batterers don’t change. Maybe the few who are repentant and change their abusive ways, can do so because they were people who were affected by their environment, education or upbringing, on the issue of abuse towards others.
If an antisocial personality disorder is the reason behind a lot of the relational violence we see in the world, then maybe it could change how these men are dealt with by the police and court system. If they can’t change because they are evil and without conscience, then criminal laws can be added to deal specifically with domestic violence offenders, especially if they are repeaters. Laws for DV need to be harsher anyway, a man shouldn’t walk out of jail the same day after beating his wife.
If they are sociopaths, then they need to be locked up for a good long time just like other violent criminals for the good of society.
I share my experience of the nightmare that I lived with through my writing @ www.TeesSeasonsofLife.blogspot.com