I’ve been flipping through the web looking at pro-ana (pro-anorexia) sites for school. Sigh. I’ve seen tips on how to binge and purge, how to diet by taking in -1200 net calories for the day, and images of stretched out super-thin and bony women who the photographer seems to idolize.

I’m a firm believer in what you allow into your thoughts comes out into the “real world” eventually. I like the idea of creating our own realities – it’s powerful stuff. I mention that because I really do think that if I looked at these pictures and read these stories for long enough, I could come to empathize with these women and want what they want. They seem to look at not eating as a competition sport, which is kind of how I felt about eating at one time.

When I left Will, I dropped 50 pounds in 4 months from stress alone. I didn’t even notice. One day, none of my “real” clothes fit. I just didn’t eat – wasn’t hungry, didn’t think about food, etc. When I came out of that severe state and looked in the mirror, I truly didn’t recognize myself. My friend and my sister both told me that I looked unhealthy – all I saw was a thin person who other people seemed to admire (the ones who didn’t know me).

I figured I’d continue not eating. Sometimes still, I’ll be hungry and not eat in order to make up for the three tablespoons of sugar I’ve consumed with my morning coffee. I’m not going to look at those sites anymore. They make me nervous.

I know anorexia is unhealthy, but I see how it can begin so innocuously. Rising to a challenge, even an unhealthy one, can help me to stop thinking about the REAL issues in my life. I worry about those women I’ve seen online. I worry about me. I’m not going to put that junk in my head anymore.