I’m Not That Person…Yet
The past month whirled around me, through me, like a red wine hurricane. I feel alive and strong, but spinning uncontrollably in my heart are questions and wishes that I’m not ready to answer or fulfill. I feel like I’m in danger of losing my vision because time isn’t pacing itself with my desires – what I want to become, who I want to be is not yet centered inside of me. The person I want to be is still ahead of me on the timeline while I’m forced to continue living in the present.
I am grateful beyond words that the only voice in my head is my own. After so many years of sharing space with Will’s voice, I had hoped hearing only my own would end the confusion and doubt. Living free and dis-anchored from Will’s reality set loose a storm of giddy emotions, loving dreams, and happy thoughts within me. I’ve loved the time I’ve spent in the whirl, loved the people I’ve met, loved the feelings of re-connectedness to life itself. But, as all storms, it is passing and I’m left to deal with the thoughts and decisions I made in the spin-cycle.
Despite the whirlwind of emotion, underlying it on the earthy path of my soul, I knew I was in danger of being swept away into a different kind of false world. If I weren’t careful, I could easily exchange Will’s version of reality for another unreal reality, a possibly more dangerous one made up of my own delusion and wish-craft. A conversation with the powers that be warned me of the magical world of delusion and falsehood and then my flesh and bone therapist said, “It isn’t REAL, Kellie. You’re not yet separate from Will, from that life. You need more time.”
Of course, my ego denied the gods and the therapist outright. This delusion was FUN, it was EXCITING, and it was WORKING! … Dammit. And people around me were in danger of being hurt by it; I was in danger of being hurt by it. My boundaries blurred, my dreams for myself pushed aside, I realize I am spending too much time in the whirlwind and not enough time feeling my feet on the ground.
Right as I left my therapists office, I turned and asked her “How long should this last? Do I have at least another month?” I meant the storm of good-emotion fuel, the feeling of being high on living. She said, “As long as it needs to. There’s no set time.” And although I told myself with forced smile that I could ride for at least another six months, inside of me, the storm began to quiet.
I tried to deny the silencing of the storm. I forged ahead, made an emotional decision that felt good in order to re-ignite the dramatic whirl. But what I found was the drama wasn’t worth the price I asked another person to pay. The seed was planted in my mind, I know the storm is coming to an end, and that the person I am right now is not the person I’m destined to become. I’m not the person I want to be…yet.
So now I’m standing here on a muddied path, feeling alive and humbled, letting the greenish overcast that fills the atmosphere after a storm flow through me. The color green heals, so I know that the coming down from the high is also part of my destiny.
Although I’m saddened to know the storm has passed, it also feels good to know that I’ve weathered it. I haven’t blown so far from my path that it is unrecognizable. My feet are firmly planted in about a half inch of mud, much different from the waist-deep shit I was entrenched in months ago. This mud will dry, the sky will turn blue, the birds will sing and life is good.
Life is different, again, but washed clean and humbly refreshed.
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July 2nd, 2010 at 1:07 PM
Kellie, I love your term “wish-craft.” It is so, so true.
And remember, mud is much more fertile ground for growing things than pure shit is. Bloom and grow!
July 2nd, 2010 at 1:12 PM
In the space between who you are and who you are destined to be, i hope you find the arms of the powerful and loving God, the one who will be your husband and lover, who will show you your worth, an escasty beyond dreams and visions, the one who will fill you with love and purpose and set your path straight to the place and person you were always meant to be…in time. You are part of a sublime romance, a divinely given love relationship which asks nothing in return but your heart. You WILL find your way. remain prayfully open to what comes next.
July 2nd, 2010 at 4:30 PM
Wish-craft is what Tabitha learned to do first as a baby witch on “Bewitched”
I think it’s also the title of a book. So I did’t come up with it on my own – it’s been around, but it fits.
July 3rd, 2010 at 9:16 AM
Damn your therapist. How dare she take that from you? It’s like being told there is no Santa. Who would do that? Santa Claus exists inside each and every one of us – and you had a blissful thing going on inside of you. You was living and doing in a way that gave you what you were denied for so many, many years. You deserve that feeling. How dare ANYBODY give you the notion that it isn’t “real”.
Reality is what you make it. Each persons reality is different from another’s. That is what makes us unique. That is what makes us each see the same situation in different ways.
I would much rather her said, “Chances are, after you spend much needed time with yourself, your perceptions might change a little bit. But for now, take the ride you are on; because it is right where you need to be.”
Who out there WOULDN’T want to live with these feelings on a daily basis:”giddy emotions, loving dreams, and happy thoughts within me”? We all should be so lucky!
Who cares what those emotions are based on? Who, really, are you “hurting”? You are simply becoming the person that has been chained up. You are re-blossoming into a person you want to become.
Like a flower through the season of warmth, you start out fresh, vibrant, and green. Through the heat of summer, you must grow your roots deeper to endure the scorch of the heat and little rain. However, you still remain beautiful, vibrant, and full of life… just more stable.
No need to read into this any more than what it is. Winter doesn’t have to come. But, we all experience those times when we naturally go into ourselves just a little bit so we can come out more alive after the last snow. It is not a “death” of the flower (you), it is a time of peace to regather and renew. Remember though, winter comes at many different times throughout the world. There is not “set” day for it. It just happens when the time is right.
Don’t allow your therapist to force that time on you now. You have to allow your season to come when it is ready. Anything else is unnatural.
With all of this being said, if your time has come to move onto deeper roots, so be it. I just hope the timing is your own choice; and not a thought that somebody else planted in your mind.
July 3rd, 2010 at 9:17 AM
Sorry – I didn’t change my website in the above post. ;|
I gotta take the advertising where I can get it, and since you are my sister, I can do this on your site…
July 3rd, 2010 at 10:39 AM
Actually, there is no cause for alarm. I would have dismissed her comment as you did if I hadn’t had the same message from the higher power and felt a waning of the emotions already. Her comment simply validated externally what was already going on inside.
I think that our lack of phone calls the past two weeks have eroded your “up to the minute” status, and that you really need to call me so I can fill you in! Or I’ll call you