Linda recently wrote to tell us about her abusive marriage. Although it appears her husband is changing, she suffers from PTSD and cannot trust that what happened before truly will not happen again. She remains in the marriage, prays for guidance, and trusts that God will guide her steps.
There must be something in the air. My mood is so serious, like a rain-filled cloud threatening to rain on my parade.
Although I feel in my gut that I’m moving in the right direction, I’m getting stronger, finding out who I am and what I like (and don’t), … there’s something heavily sad about this weekend.
Will and I have talked several times, amicably enough, in the past weeks. But Saturday, I found myself embroiled in a disagreement with Will, told to quit popping off at the mouth and scolded about my soap opera drama. I didn’t see it that way. Said to stop telling me what I was doing and what my intentions were. He got madder. We hung up the phone. It didn’t last long.
Somewhere in there, in response to him telling me he didn’t trust me and that he thought I was up to no good and being dishonest, I said, “You’ve always thought that of me.” He replied that no, he hadn’t always thought it, that its a recent thing. He got angry that I had said it, told me that he was sorry he’d tried to talk to me. I thought to myself that he wasn’t talking to me, but at me.
When we hung up, I tried to shrug it off as if his words didn’t bother me. They did. But I think what is really bothering me now is what I said: “You’ve always thought that of me.” Shrinks will tell you to not use words like “always” in conversations because they’re accusing words. But I used one, he felt defensive, and the rest is history.
Now, writing this, I’m torn between two paths I could write about. The first one is that it would be nice if he had only said, “I don’t think it’s fair to say ‘always’” to which I could have corrected myself. Or at least apologized for inflammatory language.
But (and here’s the second path), I think I was right. I don’t think I said it to be accusing or to pop off or to start some drama. I think I said it because it was what I was thinking, and the more I think about it, I think I was right.
Although I do wish I hadn’t used the word because I want to learn better ways of expressing myself that don’t ignite someone’s defenses, there are several reasons why I think “always” was the right word to describe what I felt:
Integrity, sex, money, children… what else was there to our marriage? I feel that there was nothing at all I could have done to gain his trust in any of those areas. Everyone has weaknesses, everyone makes mistakes, and I am no saint. But for crying out loud, how could I really have fought this issue? If he doesn’t have trust inside of him, then how could I earn his trust? I wonder if he had any to give (to me, at least).
When I would bring these things up to him, he would answer with, “I married you, didn’t I?” or “I must trust you, I have to leave you with the boys when I deploy,” or “You’re the one who handles the money, aren’t you? You could really screw me if you wanted to!” All true statements, but never truly honest.
Sigh.
But there is a silver lining to the storm cloud. It happened today. Will told me that he thinks our relationship should be “only business.” He wants to pull away from me. He said that he can tell I’m moving on, but he’s still stuck in the anger and hurt. He wants to detach, and he set clear boundaries. I listened to him without saying much at all.
A big piece of me is so freaking proud of him! A big piece of me wanted to tell him that he was on the right track, that detaching from me was the right thing to do in order to find peace and health and happiness.
And a small piece of me is sad. The little wife inside of me wanted to hug him and tell him that it would all be all right. That I appreciated his vulnerability and that his decision is a wise one. And I cried (after he left) because he is detaching from me.
You see, when I started this blog, I thought Will and I would be married forever. I thought we’d have our ups and downs and solve the downs and be happy. I thought when he saw what effect his words and actions had on me that he would change them because he loved me. I thought we would heal together, never to be torn apart.
But now he and I are healing on our own. We won’t be together when we’re happy next. We won’t be married forever having overcome the trials of our own humanity. We’ll never sit on the porch together, rocking, gray hair blowing in the breeze.
I must detach from that dream, and saying goodbye to it hurts more than any dream I’ve ever held and released before.
Todd communicated with me today, and I am so happy to hear from him. I posted his testimonial earlier today, and now is as good a time as any to let you know how he’s doing.
From Todd:
Hi Kellie,
I hope you are in a safe peaceful place in your life. My wife and I are still separated and it’s been 90 + days and I am making progress with my abuse but still have some ways to go to build up her faith & trust. There are times that I take a step backwards but seems to put things in a clearer perspective for me to learn from because I have the will to improve me. I sure love my wife and kids, but I need to be patient, kind, honest and understanding in all my affairs! Please feel free to upload this and display it if you would like on the blog. Take care!
“…patient, kind, honest and understanding” sure sounds like a winning combination. Todd, I’m thinking good thoughts for you.
Whew! Allison submitted a testimonial from the other side of the abuse. She left 7 years ago, and has been busy! Book published, paper under consideration by the Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment and Trauma, scholarship granted…
But perhaps most inspiring is Allison left her abuser when she was 56 years old. Her life is not over, there are many many blessed years left for her to continue LIVING and accomplishing whatever she sets her mind to do. Never let the number of years you’ve suffered determine the number of years you will accept it.
Diana is, I think, the youngest person to contact me in hope of breaking the silent pattern of abuse. She’s 18, and her abuser is 23.
Although I hesitate to use the word “fortunately”, I find myself thinking it because at the time of her writing, she was not with her abuser due to his physically violent rampage. He went for her throat, pushed her into a window.
Ali’s testimonial gets right to the root of the problem for abuse victims. It’s beautifully written, like sad, dark poetry.
She wrote me in February, and I am greatly sorry that I didn’t post her testimonial sooner.
Read Ali’s Testimonial - you won’t be disappointed, although it will make you think, wonder, and maybe recognize yourself and the abuse you’ve suffered.
Todd’s testimonial has a twist: his story comes from the point of view of the abuser. I’ve communicated with Todd outside of this testimonial and he seems very sincere and ready to change. He mentions “Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control You” by Patricia Evans as the book that helped after his wife moved out with his two children.
You can read his testimonial at Todd’s Abuse Testimonial. I am so excited to have a testimonial like Todd’s on the site! I wish him love and luck in regaining his family through truthful actions and words.
My sister, Erin, supports me consistantly and constantly. She loves me regardless of my decisions, actions, and quirks. She knows my dark side and thinks it’s valuable. I couldn’t love her more, yet every day, I do love her more.
Before I recognized the abuse in my life, she was largely quiet about it for fear of her words pushing me away from her. She knew, instinctively, that Will (probably subconsciously) wanted everyone who loved me far, far away – or at least that’s how it appeared. Still, she would cry with me when I hurt in large part because there were things she wanted to say but held them inside. Or at least, this is the way I think it played out.
One time, after realizing the abuse for myself, I asked her why she didn’t just TELL me I was being abused, and she said, “Would you have believed me if I had?” Of course, the answer was “No.” I’ll never ask that question again of her or anyone else who loves me. It’s not up to them to tell us what is going on, is it? It’s something we have to realize inside of ourselves.
Erin is a very wise woman. She’s decided to put her skills to work helping other people who need fresh ideas and perspectives so they can move away from the things, people and ideas that hurt them. She wants us all to live in our own light, within our own power augmented by Spirit (God, Goddess, Angels, The Powers that Be…).
Here is an email she sent me on facebook two days ago. She said I could share it, and Iwant to because you need to know that there are people in the world like her. People who support you, who love you, who are just itching to help you. You may not see them until you take off the blinders abuse is causing you to wear.
Here is her email:
“I think you are overlooking something you don’t want to look at again… yet.
“You are a survivor. You pushed your way through a horrid time in your life when you was married, and then again pushed your way through the time of uncertainty after you left.
“Other women need to know this can be done. They need to know that after they leave their abusive marriages, they will come out better on the other end.
“I think you are just not ready for it yet. You are not ready to re-visit the pain of it; or to be faced with the women who are still enduring it because you NEED to keep pushing through this segment in your life for right now.
“So, don’t question what you should be doing to earn an income. You are loving your life where you are right now; and I think that is exactly where you need to be. The time will reveal itself to you when it is time to step back into the world that brought you to where you are now…
“The only difference is that you will already be on the other side. Completely.
“Keep doing what you are doing. You haven’t been this happy, or this authentic in a long time. Own it. Live it.
“You will know when the time is right.
“I love you, and I am so proud of you Kellie!!!”
The good news is that even if you don’t know a soul like Erin right now, you can contact her now at her website, Dear Erin. The link takes you to her “What Dear Erin Does” page. I encourage you to contact her because her first two clients are free if you agree to give her a testimonial in return.
Carolyn wrote an abuse testimonial a couple of months ago. I hadn’t posted it yet because I didn’t really want to think about my own abuse. That wasn’t fair, and I’m sorry Carolyn, that you waited so long.
As you read through it, think about the years Carolyn has lived with this verbal, emotional and mental abuse. The time it takes you to read the testimonial is nothing compared to the years she’s spent living the abuse. I got a knot in my stomach realizing that many of the abuses she reports were happening in real time even though she was listing past abuse.
Lately I’ve not preached the gospel of what verbal abuse IS or how it is affecting me because I’m in a new phase. The phase that exists after the prime abuser is removed from the majority of life. However, just because I’m revelling in the freedom, that doesn’t mean that all of YOU are revelling with me! So I’d like to share some links about abuse and where you can find help and relief from it.
The Narcissism Daily Mirror, author Kim Cooper, is writing a series on verbal abuse. The latest one is When verbal abuse is covert or may not sound like verbal abuse … Check to the right of the article to view the others pertaining to verbal abuse.
My friend recently found a site called Women Exhale. It’s an inexpensive alternative to traditional therapy for abuse victims, and it is not insurance based, meaning that your abuser will not receive notice of your choice to seek therapy from any insurance approval letters that may come to your house.
Patricia Evans, author of books such as “The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change?”, is online at VerbalAbuse.com. I highly recommend becoming a member of her message boards. Yes, you must call the toll free number to join the board, but this is done to ensure only abuse victims have access to this resource. No abuse perpetrators allowed. When I called, I spoke to Patricia directly, and had access to the boards within minutes.
For information on verbal abuse, try Dr. Irene.Please call or virtually visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 even if you don’t know what you’re going to say, and even if you haven’t experienced the physically violent side of domestic violence (yet). Domestic violence includes mental, emotional, verbal, financial, and all other sorts of abuse. Just because you’ve never had a bloody lip or blackened eye does NOT mean you are not experiencing domestic violence.
To read my story from the beginning (1992), start at Less Than I Am and click “Next” at the upper right to continue. Or to read testimonials from other abuse survivors, visit Your Journal Entries.
Also, check out the Blogroll and Links section to the right, near my facebook badge. The more you know, the more powerful you become. The more power you have within yourself, the sooner you can make changes to stop the cycle of abuse.
You do not have to leave your abuser right now or ever, you can stay. That is a valid choice.
For me, I chose to stay until I’d reached a point of power within myself that did not allow me to stay any longer. But before that point, I had begun reacting differently to the abuse. Back then, there was no way to know if my husband would change or not, but I hoped he would.
Hope is not a solution, it’s a distraction. Stop hoping and start educating yourself.
