One time an old friend said he pictured me as Peggy Hill and I about had a heart attack. Right there. On the spot. You can’t forget being compared to Peggy Hill. It ain’t funny, y’all.
I felt like sending him a picture, but seeing that I was 200 pounds, I refrained thinking he would then picture me as Miss Piggy! Besides, it wasn’t the physical aspects, I hope, but the simple fact that I now lived in “The South” – that foreign, steamy, mystical place we Northern Chicks sometimes think about, but don’t want to live. Now that I have lived there, I’ve found that most nights are not sultry, sit on the porch fanning and drinking tea kind of nights. They’re merely frigging hot. I still feel out of place, out of sync, with the others who can point to their great-grandmother’s house on that hill over there.
I don’t transplant well, I suppose. It’s been fourteen years of Southern living. If I were gonna grow roots here, they would have sprouted by now.
I’m starting to see myself as a traveller. I’d like to visit foreign lands and stay for awhile. I’d like to move to different areas of this country to see if I mesh with the natives a little better in the West, or the Southwest. Or maybe New England, although I have the feeling that like the far South, the extreme North may be foreign to me, too. I’ll visit Alaska via cruise ship only – I hear it’s breathtaking. Then, after the travelling, I’ll pick a place, or maybe the last place I travel to will simply pick me and I’ll stay because it gets me, through and through.
Part of me knows that this search for the perfect exterior place is a pipe dream. I don’t really believe I’ll find that place until I know myself through and through AND am strong enough to not compromise what I want for myself for what someone else wants for me, or for what I want for them. The exterior world mirrors my soul; if I’m uncomfortable somewhere, it’s because I do not know who I am there. It’s because I’m looking for some external validation that I am okay, perfect the way I am.
I have to be very careful and remember to pay attention to my self, my opinions, my wants and needs, before I go searching for someplace (or someone) that TELLS me I’m okay. I want to know that I’m wonderful, beautiful, creative and strong deep inside, for me.