All Right
I’m not certain what I’m going to write. I haven’t heard back about the house yet, but I’m not expecting to hear anything until the end of this week or beginning of next. I’m not letting myself get my hopes up too high…
Crap. Who am I kidding? I hope with all my heart. I’m hoping so much that I’m trusting a stranger at her (almost) word that I can “stop looking”.
So, I’ve turned my attention to the other thing I’m looking for, namely, a job. I would like to have a job doing something I already love to do. But you know what? I’d be happy doing almost anything so long as I get to come home at the end of the day with enough energy to write.
Really.
I’m PMSing and have been for three days. Today the bomb dropped, so tomorrow I should feel a lot better in the morning.
That brings up something I hadn’t thought of until recently. Since I’ve been separated from Will, I actually pay attention to my period. I know about when it will happen, and I know that for the past three months, I’ve felt overly sad three days before it starts.
Looking back, this pattern IS a pattern. I mean, it’s been happening for years (I’m sure). But I never thought I had PMS. Ever.
I think that now that I’m alone, not thinking about what he’s doing, what he’s going to do, what he may do, what might make him laugh, what might make him mad – anyway, now that my mind isn’t SO preoccupied with what MIGHT be happening inside Will, it is able to pay attention to what is going on inside of me.
Sounds a bit insane, possibly, to people who haven’t walked a mile in my shoes, and yet I know that it is true. I’ve spent so much time and energy focusing on HIM, that I completely neglected to notice the tiniest, most natural things about ME.
But back to Will for a second. I told him about the house and I know he is happy. (He’s been living in an RV for months and can’t wait to get back into this house. He wants back in almost as much as I want out!)
During the conversation, he even laughed at something I said (it was supposed to be funny). I couldn’t remember seeing washer/dryer hook-ups at the house, and he said he would install them and maybe the landlord would take some money off of the deposit. I told him if she wouldn’t let him install them, then I’d have to send my laundry back here with the boys for HIM to do. (No, he didn’t laugh at that! l0l)
Despite our momentary jaunt down “let’s be friends” lane, we go back to court on the 11th. I’m not looking forward to it. I have no idea what is going to happen. All I can do is forge ahead, creating a life for myself, and trust that, in the end, all will be right.
I have faith that all will be right when the dust clears, or possibly after another walk through absolute hell. I’ve been to Hell, and there’s no guarantee I’m completely through it. Maybe I’ve simply passed out from emotional pain, and right now I’m in an unconscious stupor enjoying a little peace while fiery coals burn my non-feeling backside.
I’ll have to wake up for the court date though. Here’s to hoping Hell is behind me!
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May 6th, 2010 at 11:53 AM
That is SO true. The best part about being out of an abusive marriage is hearing your own voice and having the energy and focus to listen!!! That is one of my new standards for a good man, that he support me in spending time and energy on me, and vice versa, without seeing it as a threat to the “us”.
May 6th, 2010 at 10:25 PM
This post reminds me of when, during the most abusive time in my partnership, I actually “ran away” from home so to speak and spent 3 months sitting on a beach in SE Asia. My day to day existence in my home was SOOOO consumed of him that I didn’t even exist really. His life dominated mine. And then, literally, within WEEKS of being away, I found myself happier, healthier…I was actually Laughing and enjoying life. It was easy mind you – I was paying 300 dollars a MONTH for a little beach hut, and getting 5 dollar massages EVERYDAY – I was eating wonderful thai, chinese and Indian food for 75 cents a meal. I actually started wearing makeup … and not worrying what anybody thought. It was about ME and I was focusing on ME because I didn’t have any “threat” – whether it be verbal, emotional to worry about. And this is what it sounds like is happening to you – just remember, its all baby steps, but once you tap into your own power, then it will be strides, and then leaps. No matter what happens just remember FEAR is what always holds us back. We all die in the end, so LIVE – take chances and LIVE.