I’ve already texted my goodnights to the boys, but I cannot sleep despite the fact that I am pooped. Exhausted really; stress is a bitch.
Something is gnawing at me, but I am not certain what that something could be. Typically, I’d write about what I thought it may be, and then narrow it down to the root cause. But I don’t feel safe in doing that right now.
I don’t want to share yet.
Will told me the other day that I “can’t make it” unless certain financial conditions were met. He is concerned that I want the house. He can’t see any other way for me to be so confident in my ability to create financial success unless I’m planning on “going for the house”.
I am hopeful, therefore I am confident. Unlike the hope I felt as I tried to force Will to see the abuse in our marriage, this hope doesn’t depend on his (or another person’s) actions. This hope depends on me. It’s exhilarating to have my future in my own hands, untethered and free. There is a distinct difference in the anxiety I feel now, facing my future alone, than the anxiety I used to feel at the sound of his truck pulling into the drive.
I am not naive enough to think this will be easy. It would be nice if some great hand would reach down from the sky to snatch a long lost relative who left me (and my sister, mother, and grandmas) millions. But as much fun as it is to consider that innane possibility, I do not lose myself in it.
This isn’t going to be easy. There is no sure-fire way to guarantee my success; but there’s also no way to guarantee my failure. Will hasn’t believed in me in a very long time, but his insinuations no longer cause me to crawl into a hole and hide. Now, hearing him say what he says causes me to divert my attention from him and pay attention to the light in my own heart.
It feels … strange. And good.
The most I can do is simply START moving away from him.
I’m doing that. I’m not revealing my actions yet because they’re not his business; I don’t feel like giving him my secrets anymore. Unfortunately, that means that I cannot give my secrets to YOU either.
Yes, I am slightly worried and a tad fearful. Who wouldn’t be? But I know I will make this work. I have a plan.