Dependent
Kunjii’s comment got me to thinking about my dependency on Will.
Surely there is more to it than financial dependency (fear of making money on my own is a factor because I haven’t done it in so long).
The one area in which I did have independence most of the time was with our finances. I know how to invest and have picked solid stocks/mutual funds in the days before returning to the military. I upped our retirement savings amount every year and when he would get promoted. I bought my first car alone last year and an investment home a few years ago which we sold for a huge profit. I’ve chosen services, balanced bank accounts, and set aside money to use in the businesses I owned and for hobbies he enjoyed. I’ve budgeted for groceries, gas, the kid’s expenses and pleasures, et cetera based on one income – his.
There was always money for what we wanted, not always exactly when we wanted it, but for what we wanted, in part due to my money management skills but also due to his mechanical and other “handy” talents. (I swear, that man can do everything from repairing a carburetor to building a garage. The only thing he doesn’t like to touch is electricity, but he knows how to work with it.) No one is perfect. My spending habits are sometimes flawed. But how many families with the parents pushing 40 do you know who have survived and thrived for almost two decades on one person’s income? I think we did a pretty good job. I know how to handle money (not implying that he doesn’t, just that I know I do).
Many of our fights, toward the end, were due to money. He thought we should have more. He thought I wasted it all. He disagreed with my choice of our cellular phone company. He told me to stop paying them; I wouldn’t because it was my credit that would take the hit if I defaulted. Soon after we split, he told me, “You know, I make damn good money,” and I said, “I’m glad you finally see that.” How did he not know how much money he made?
I know there has got to be something else, something besides financial dependency. Some good reason for hoping we’ll get this family back together.
There are the obvious, although increasingly idealistic reasons such as
- I love him, I love the idea of “our family” in the traditional sense
- I don’t want our children to suffer from a broken home (despite the fact that it was “broken” when we lived together)
- I think our boys would be better off if Will and I could make peace instead of war; fall back in love, show them what a good relationship looks like…
- I promised him “until death do we part”
There are things I know are NOT reasons such as
- Fear of being alone (I’ve done that many times with his deployments and training)
- Fear of never loving again, fear of not being loved by another man (There were men before, there could be men again – I know I am not “unlovable”)
So what is the basis of my dependency on Will? My latest correspondence with the voices said, “We are dragging you forward and you want to stay in dysfunctional familiarity.”
I can’t argue with that. I do want to cling to SOMETHING familiar, no matter how dysfunctional my rational mind knows it to be.
Most things, the things I held dearest, are different now. My kids are spending half of their time away from me. My husband is not my husband. Nothing is “ours” – its divided into “mine” and “his” – and that change alone implies vast changes in thinking.
Many thoughts that used to revolve around Will and my family are pointless now. I must cut off thoughts of Will because, technically, he is no longer my concern. Thoughts of my family are vastly different; now family is my children and me. Period. Well, outside of the fact that Will is and always will be their father, he is no longer in my definition of “my family.”
I try not to care or concern myself with Will’s moods or possible feelings; it is difficult because my every behavior has depended on deciphering how he feels (mostly in an attempt to avoid his anger). Trying not to care about his feelings takes up more time than caring about them; in time, this will change.
I am learning how to feel what I feel, decipher what I want, after years and years of depending on Will’s opinion to tell me what to do, what I should be feeling, and what to think. He would tell me when I had a “right” to be angry, when I should feel ashamed, when I should respect his actions and how I should show that respect.
He would let me know when it was okay to be loving or to be silly (well, grown women aren’t supposed to be silly, but he would tolerate it from time to time). He would tell me when my behavior embarrassed him and what I needed to think or do differently to keep him happy. By comparing me to other wives (or maybe his mom or some imaginary feminine goddess), he determined what I should be doing, feeling, saying…and it seemed that if I wasn’t behaving as he thought I should, he would explode. He told me he put me on a pedestal, and right or wrong it was my duty as his wife to stay there.
Now, I am at a loss as to how to feel, what to think and, at times, what to do.
The voices also tell me that we must be separate in order to learn that we’re individuals. That’s what I’m trying to do. It is hard. Sometimes I long for the “dysfunctional familiarity” and am willing to temporarily erase my memory and substitute the dream.
When I’m with Will, I am told what is required of me. I suppose I miss that aspect very much. In some ways, being told who I am is superior to determining who I am on my own. It’s definitely easier in many regards, especially during the “bad” times when soothing his temper was merely a matter of putting on a mask. I’d put on the mask not so much to deceive him as to deceive myself into believing I should be what he said to be.
At the court house last Wednesday, he commented that I wasn’t the woman he married. I agreed.
But I don’t yet know who I am. I’ve been dependent on him to tell me.
On October 18, 1992, after six months of marriage, I wrote
“He married me to fight me, it seems. Beat me down and make me less than I am. That infuriates me. THAT is what scares me. What if he does win? Where will “I” go? Just disappear into the mold he has laid out for me? I don’t think it will come down to that. I think he’ll come around before that happens. I don’t want him to change, I want him to understand. Understand ME. I hope when he does understand he still loves me.”
It’s been 18 years since I wrote that statement. It’s time to accept that he doesn’t and cannot love me.
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April 22nd, 2010 at 5:31 AM
Okay sweety, don’t get me wrong, I’m going to try to write this in a way that you won’t take offense because I KNOW that you’re emotionally and mentally and physical vulnerable right now and I have BEEN where you are. And it’s a scary roller coaster place: one minute you’re excited about what the future possibilities COULD be, and the next you’re terrified because….well because SOMETIMES its safer to stay with the devil you know….than the devil you don’t. I read ALL you blogs…from the very beginning (those blogs aren’t up anymore) and it brought back feelings of my own marriage where my self esteem and self worth was slowly grinded away by constant criticisms, analysis, comparisions and just plain cruelty sometimes. My spouse KNEW where to hit me where it hurt: my looks, my weight, my job skills, you name it, he could be an a**hole about it. But u know what? I LOVED him. I loved him for 3 years after our divorce too. I loved him even after he got remarried and …somehow…I would fall into bed with him when he would come over to ix the lightbulb. You know why? Because I had no self esteem. You and Will have children and I know that makes a huge difference. But what I hear when I read your blogs is a woman who wishes it would all get fixed and you could reconcile. All I’m saying is that IS STILL POSSIBLE. Im NOT telling you what to do or how I would do it – but its always good to hear a different slant on things isn’t it? You could, if YOU wanted to, put a halt to the divorce proceedings and remain just living apart. And you could watch him to see if he would go to counselling of his OWN will. IF there is a possibility of a reconciliation, ( the future of dating as you write) then taking a break from each other to see how it goes might be worth it. You’re right Im not you, so I dont know what your situation is, maybe Im reading your completely wrong. If you were MY daughter, or my best friend, or my sister, this is advice I would offer. Yes I know it wasn’t solicited by you, but you do have a public blog and I assume you want feed back? You could still do the things u need to do: school, work, whatever and just see how stuff progresses. The court system can be a whirlwind: they’re making decisions for you, telling you what to do, when you have to do it etc. Having a year apart and seeing how it progresses gives you a break – from ANYBODY telling you how to live your life. And then if you still feel that its not going to work, you’re a little bit more prepared to all the legal wrangling and stuff that goes on. Also…and this is going to sound nuts, but could you tell me what sunsign you are? (aries, cancer etc) and what sunsign HE is? And I’ll do a analysis for you on compatibility.
April 22nd, 2010 at 8:29 AM
Hey Kellie, I’m going to ditto Kunjii’s remarks. What you told me in this blog is that you have great financial skills, organizational skills; you’re smart and savvy with business. You’re an independent woman waiting to happen. The emotional stuff is hard to let go of, I’m not going to kid you about that. Will is the only man you have been with for 18 years, you have two children together, and you have been a family. But you are also right that a family could be you and your two sons. Family is what you make it and who you want to be in it. You might always care about will as a human being because you shared so much together and that might never go away. But is that really love? And do you want…no do you DESERVE to be really loved and cherished? The answer is YES! You’re not an object or a possession on a pedestal, you’re Kellie and that’s enough for anyone who truly loves you. None of us at 40 (which, by the way is a great age and a fantastic decade so stop worrying about “pushing it” and just embrace it) is the the girl we were at 19 or 20–and who wants to be? I was a silly college girl who worried about stupid things and sought approval from my sorority sisters about everything. I am so much more confident of myself and my abilities now and I am much less willing to accept anything less than what I want and deserve.
My own paycheck is sweet and I love making my own living. There’s a sense of accomplishment; I’m taking off for the OBX in May for two weeks and buying a new car for the drive down. It give me the power that a husband can’t. There is more to dependency than the financial aspect, but the financial piece seems to bring the rest of it together. When you can truly take care of yourself financially, the rest of it starts to come together. But as long as you allow someone else to control your finances, you become dependent on them in many other ways.
Follow your bliss, Kellie. Sometimes it takes working two jobs to get there, sometimes it’s hard and scary, but in the end it’s worth every sacrifice.
Lots of love….l
April 22nd, 2010 at 1:34 PM
Kunjii, thank you so much. You confirmed something very important for me. I read your first comments and heard “bad” stuff. I told you why I heard bad stuff, and what did you do? YOU UNDERSTOOD. You realized I wasn’t able to hear you, and you rephrased it. Same message, different words. I KNEW it was possible for someone to DO that. It may not be possible for WILL to do it, but it is possible.
My heart if full of thanks to you, Kunjii. Really, it is.
Primarily, it is my fault (request) that we do the separation agreement NOW vs. waiting. In the document I wrote to him, “What I Want”, I said that I wanted to get through the separation agreement first, begin living our lives, and THEN see if reconciliation is possible.
I am still of the mind that this is the best path, whirlwind and all. I knew in the beginning that we needed to physically separate, my spirit confirmed it just the other day, and I do not think Will would stop now for anything. He’s told me as much.
In my state, there is a required physical separation of one year. We cannot legally file for divorce until January 22, 2011. Until then, we have to work out a separation agreement which will be attached to the divorce papers and (usually) approved by a judge at the divorce hearing.
So… It’s up to me to do as you and Lisa say, as my spirit says, and SEPARATE myself from Will emotionally. It’s the hard part, but it is happening. Much of the time, I write when it’s the hardest. I am stronger than it seems on some days, and I will try to write more during those times.
Yes, Kunjii, I write publicly in part to hear feedback. Without it, I’d think I were truly alone. Sometimes the “hard words” work for me; but as you said, right now they just hurt. Thank you for understanding. I have great respect for you.
April 26th, 2010 at 3:06 PM
Kellie, I separated from my husband almost a year ago. I was where you are now in the begining, and on lonely days when i focus on what was good, and the companionship, the feeling of family, I can still get there…But let me tell you what waits for you if you stand firm in your pursuit, no demand, of health for you and your family…you learn that it is ok to love someone and NOT be together. You learn to see him (and yourself) in the unkind light of day and accept him AND you for you who are and kindly love each of you as a separate incomplete entity. Abuse occurs in the context of a relationship, a dyad. When the relationship ends, and it is again just the two of you as individuals, can can finally see who you are apart. You learn where he starts and you begin. That psychological separation I believe is absolutely necessary for forgiveness and/or reconcilation to ever occur, even if it is just as coparents. You sound like you are on your way to doing that work. That is the work of REAL love for yourself and another after you have experienced the pain of abuse. Keep up the good work!!
May 4th, 2010 at 12:12 PM
thank you for sharing this with me. I love your honesty … It’s almost 2 years that I left my abusive husband of 21 years. I have five children. I am helping myself heal and I am helping others to heal
I made this video
http://www.youtube.com/user/godandenergy?feature=mhw5#p/a/u/2/f0Oi6GMLn0Q