From Them
If Will wanted to, he could say that the fact that I hear voices was a clear indication that I was insane. Maybe he could find a whole slew of people and professionals to agree with him, but I’ll take my chances.
I want to share with you a journal entry from this past Sunday, April 18, 2010. Our boys were honored with pall bearer duties by our neighbor who’s uncle passed away. They were gone for most of Sunday, and while they were gone I took the opportunity to pray.
This house I stay in is so HEAVY. It’s laden with hurtful memories; it’s wall bears the scar of the dresser forced into it on January 22nd. Sometimes when I try to work I feel as if I’m suffocating under the weight of it all. There is peace here now that wasn’t here before, but the peace is uneasy – as if at any second the walls could fall in on me.
Nevertheless, the judge temporarily “gave” me the house. I’m stuck here until Will and I sign a mutually agreeable consent order OR the judge “takes it away”.
I grabbed up a bunch of sage to smolder as I went from room to room praying that God take the heaviness and the hurt away, to let me know that I wasn’t alone. I was crying as I did this, and in the middle of my crying and praying and smudging, Will called. He asked if I’d been running and if I was all right. He sounded concerned, but I told him that I was all right (which I was) and not to worry.
Not a minute later, after I’d begun praying again, Eddie called to check in with me.
I took these calls as signs that I was definately NOT alone! But I was confused. Why had Will called at just that time? Why had Eddie followed on his heels? I sat down to write in my journal about these “signs”.
I received an answer. This is how it went, and yes, this is how I talk to god sometimes and yes, sometimes songs start the conversations:
Me: God, Signs, signs, everywhere are signs. I ask to know I’m not alone and Will calls. Then Eddie calls. WTF does that mean? You KNOW God that if I could get my family back WHOLE and INTACT, Healthy and Better than before – so much better because we two adults were doing what we needed to do to get our family back…YOU KNOW I WANT THAT!
I don’t trust him, but he calls during a sage-cleansing, a PRAYER?! Is that YOU or is it me calling to him psychically or emotionally or what? Was that YOU?
Them:
Yes.
Me: What am I supposed to know? What am I supposed to get from that sign?
Them:
That you are never alone. That he is being honest with you. That not one of us know how this will end.
Me: WHY? Why can’t you DO SOMETHING? Why can’t you MAKE HIM WAKE UP?! WHY?
Them:
There is a pulling time, Kellie. It is a pulling time. We are dragging you forward and you want to stay in dysfunctional familiarty. You do want him back, you do…but you think you must resign yourself to the old ways for it to happen.
Truth be told, the only way he can come back is if things are new. We are working on him. And you. But if you won’t MOVE then no change can occur.
You are doing well. Your anxiety passes. You have a plan. You have goals. You will succeed. Your boys will succeed. You must concentrate on letting go of fear and doubt. Embrace love and confidence. Embrace YOU.
You weren’t anything then that you are not now – but now you are greater than. Greater than you.
You are greater than. You can overcome. You can move without fear. You can You can You can.
There is a house you can physically move to. Picture it. Your own house. No bad stuff there. Nothing hurtful surrounding you. You need it, Kellie.
Me: Okay.
Them:
You need to MOVE physically and psychically from here. Return? No one knows. But you must fill your space. THIS house is not HIS or YOURS ALONE. It was OURS and like you told him, there is no “ours” there is no “we.”
You and he must see you’re individuals.
Must see.
Then, no matter what happens, you will both know. You will both know. And Kellie, right now, you alone are stronger than we. You alone are stronger than he.
Quiet hero, Kellie. You will rise from these ashes and burn brighter than you can imagine right now. You are a beacon. You are the light. You Are.
Me again, with the audacity not to listen but only to demand an answer about my angel: Where is Pauline? Where are her footsteps?
Them:
She is marching with you.
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