Churning but Less So
There’s got to be something else I want to say. My belly is still churning. The anxiety is lessening, but it isn’t gone.
During my conversation with them, they told me “He is being honest with you.” They said this to me before last night’s horrible phone call, after Will and I had talked at the court house and at the house I’m staying in on Saturday.
At the court house and here, I felt that he was being very sincere in his desire to ease my emotional burden. I feel that he means it when he says the boys will stay with me three nights a week. I believe he intends to continue to “do his duty” as a strong financial provider for me during our transition. I even partially believe that he has considered “dating” me again after we get this hard crap sorted through, I think he doesn’t want to have wasted the past 18 years we’ve spent together.
And yet, I don’t completely trust him. I wish I did, but I don’t. I understand that the day the sheriff arrested him and removed him from this stupid house, he stopped trusting me completely, too.
I know that we didn’t trust each other before then, either. We were working on our marriage, but it wasn’t his priority. His priority was the boys (for which I was happy), our marriage, and his career (although I think his career was second, and our marriage a far behind third despite his proclamations to the contrary).
I know neither one of us really KNEW what would become of our marriage. In my mind, I was willing to work through almost anything. And then he put his hands on me again, and I had to do what I said I would do. I had to press charges. I had to get an attorney in case we did permanently separate because I knew nothing of the legal system. And things seemed to fall into place like heavy bricks from that point forward.
I know that in the past week, he has expressed genuine concern for me and to me. Not only at the court house, but also when I told him I was going in for my first mammogram (What? Are you okay? Isn’t it early for you to have mammograms? Does the doctor think something is wrong?) And again when he called on Sunday and I was out of breath. I could tell he was curious, I thought maybe he was concerned.
Friday morning, his father had a medical episode. Will called me and told me and I went running out to his father. Will had already called 911. Everything for his father has worked out all right, so it seems for now anyway, but I know things like this bother Will emotionally. He’s vulnerable when someone he loves is sick or hurt; he was vulnerable last year when his grandfather passed away too, and there was a period of peace between us in the house as he dealt with his grandfather’s passing.
I know that deep down Will must care at least a little for me. I found some peace during the past few days (before last night) in thinking that he and I may actually be able to work through this situation and come out better for it in the end (friends or spouses? don’t really know).
Saturday, when he was out here mowing and fixing my car’s tire, I took him aside and asked him to try to stop talking to me as if we were a couple. We’d had a conversation with his father in which he referred to the land in Texas as “ours” and that “we” … anyway, it was like he used to talk when we were together. And we’re NOT together. We’re separate.
Staying bound to him mentally, emotionally, psychically…it is too hard. When he is vulnerable, my heart wants to hug him, to love him, to soothe him, to make it all better. I feel drawn to him in love and hope when he speaks to me in soft words, when he speaks as if we’re a “we”. When he says, maybe we’ll get back together later, I want to believe him.
And at the court house, we talked about a lot more than the custody, more than the finances. We talked about “us” and what it had been like to be together. We both agree that we hurt each other. He wants me to take responsibility for doing exactly what he did, for being exactly like him. He wants me to stop writing online, wants me to erase all of this from my consciousness.
He’s asking me to erase myself.
Now my gut isn’t churning so much, but the tears are flowing. It’s as if me telling him that I am exactly like him somehow makes the sickness go away. If I am just like him, then I am also abusive. I get the sense that he hopes that I will say I am just exactly like him, and when I do that I won’t want to face my past actions. But that is HIM. If I am just like him, I will change me. If I am just like him, then I don’t want to be this way anymore.
Possibly Related Posts:
- Good Group
- What would you do with omnipotence?
- Linda’s Abusive Experience
- Leaving But Not Free
- Stranglehold
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
April 21st, 2010 at 7:44 PM
You know, I’ve been following your blog for months now – from November I think before the big blow up happened. But what I don’t understand is this “we might date later” thing. WTF??? You don’t get divorced so you can “date” later. You get divorced so you can move on and maybe meet somebody else and make another life. And so can he. You’re also talking about “following him” wherever he may be sent. If you two aren’t SURE about getting divorced, why not put the proceedings on hold for six months until you figure out whether or not you can reconcile. Sounds to me you’re planning on being dependant on him forever.
April 21st, 2010 at 8:48 PM
Please don’t follow an abusive path in your communications. You told me what I am not supposed to do (date later), but who gave you the right to throw your opinion about divorce onto me, and then judge me for not doing it your way (or for considering a different option)? Also, the accusatory statement “Sounds to me you’re planning on being dependant on him forever” is abusive because you are telling me what I’m thinking/planning and what I am. (Yes, I know you said, “sounds to me” but the message is clear.)
Kunjii, you can feel however you want, type and say whatever you want. But what you said in your comment is abusive because you assume you can put yourself into my head and heart and then tell me what I am doing, thinking and being. That is the essence of verbal abuse.
“WTF???” lets me know that you are angry. Anger, in my experience, is a VERY dangerous emotion and acting during anger leads to bad mojo. It’s better to calm down and then, perhaps, speak with or ask questions of the one you’re angry with. Perhaps, “I’ve never heard of someone reconciling after abuse, and I’m wondering if you’ve considered putting everything on hold for six months.” Or “I think you’re saying that you prefer dependency on your husband than freedom from abuse. Is that right?”
Now on to the substance of what you said.
If you read closely, I am not following him. If he has primary custody, then he will take the boys with him and I will follow the boys. If I have primary custody of the boys and the Army moves him, then “we” (the boys and I) will follow him BECAUSE he is their father. The same is true for shared custody. For the next four years at least, I will be in the same city as Will because of my children.
Ever since I started talking to my boys about sex, I’ve told them that they do not have to marry the baby’s mother, but they MUST follow their child (and therefore her) around the globe if necessary, to be a father to their child.
I wouldn’t dream of setting a different example.
I can see the “dating” thing bothers you a lot. I don’t know what your situation is, but I can tell you do not understand mine. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – IF he admits what he’s done AND apologizes AND gets some professional help, THEN I would CONSIDER saving this marriage. HOWEVER, because I’ve told him this, I know (given history) that he may very well use my own words to attempt to manipulate me into doing something or giving up something during the separation agreement phase that puts me at a disadvantage.
I did allow myself to become financially dependent on him because any time I stepped out on my own, life with him became increasingly difficult (and sometimes dangerous). Also, dependency is a two-way street. For example, an alcoholic is DEPENDENT on alcohol, but CO-DEPENDENT on the people she surrounds herself with because the other people give her the excuse she needs to drink. The people who choose to continually associate with the alcoholic are also CO-DEPENDENT because they make excuses to themselves to remain tied to the alcoholic and therefore make it easier for the alcoholic to continue drinking.
Abusive relationships are a two-way street whether the abuser is dependent on alcohol or not. Will is as dependent on ME as I am on him, but it’s taken time apart to see that. And remember, if a person is dependent on another, that doesn’t mean they’re incapable.