Not Over Yet
He had left with the boys, but I felt like he was still outside. Still wanting me to do something I didn’t want to do. I knew he wasn’t there, but I felt him all around me; if he had intended to invoke fear in me, he succeeded. Eventually I watched the end of a recorded show. It didn’t help, so I called my sister. That helped some.
I heard myself tell her that what he’d done was wrong. I wasn’t wasting time thinking about WHY he did it or what he hoped to accomplish from it. I didn’t care about those things. All I wanted to do was be FREE from the after shock.
When I walked out to the garage to find out about the taxes, I knew I was walking into a mine field. But I don’t blame myself for “not knowing” how it would end. I needed to get the papers and he obviously wasn’t going to bring them to me. He wanted me to walk into his mine field. But even before I walked into the battle zone, he had created it inside of his own SON. The difference between Marc’s demeanor before talking to his dad and after was like night and day. I was sad for Marc. I was sad that my boys were going to have to deal with their dad and his secret mines that could detonate at any second.
I also instinctively knew that most of the mines had exploded already – at least for the boys. Once Will was removed from my presence, my influence, he would work hard to make it appear that I was the cause of his outburst, not the boys. He would make amends with them at my expense – or try to anyway. Maybe he succeeded; but maybe the boys SAW and instinctively understood what happened at the house. Maybe.
I was suffering from something like Post Traumatic Shock. Both from the current situation which had caused me to fear for my physical safety and from the past examples where it was proven that I did need to fear for my safety. My body was reacting in the same old way despite my mind’s new awareness of what was going on.
But the day was still young. It wasn’t over yet.
After I ate a little, I went and started looking over the taxes. I thought I’d found a problem in my current discombobulated state, I thought it was best that I ask the preparer a question or two. Plus, I was hoping there was a way to verify that the return I was looking at would be the one she submitted. The only signature needed was on the “permission to file electronically” form, and having signed that, he could technically submit any version of the 1040 he wanted so long as the main numbers matched. I was suspicious of my husband’s intentions, not so much HERS. But I don’t know what he’s told her; I didn’t think she would jeopardize her career over him, but there have been others who have. (Like the female soldier who recently … never mind … I’ll leave out the examples.)
I was concerned about the other information being submitted, the information that wouldn’t change the numbers but could affect me later on. Like “married filing jointly” and if I were claimed as his dependent or not. At the time, I didn’t even know if my questions were rational ones…I just knew I had questions that Will couldn’t answer for me.
I texted Will for the preparer’s number. He texted back asking if there was a problem. I wrote that I didn’t know, but I wanted her number so I could clarify some things. He stopped texting and called, said that (she and her husband) were HIS friends and I was just mad because I wasn’t getting what I wanted.
I didn’t ask him what he thought I wanted. Instead, I said, “They’re your friends, but these are MY taxes, too and I have some questions.”
He said, “They are doing ME a favor – something you can’t seem to understand. When someone does you a favor, you do as THEY ask and I’m supposed to meet her today because she doesn’t want to work tomorrow!”
I said, “Well, you’ve had plenty of time to get the taxes to me. It’s not my fault that you didn’t do it sooner. What’s her number so I can ask my questions?”
He wouldn’t give me the number. In fact, he said he didn’t have it. He had her husband’s number.
“Okay, give me his number and I’ll ask him for hers,” I offered.
“NO! His wife is doing a FAVOR for ME, Kellie! You don’t need their numbers,” he said. I thought to myself that if he doesn’t want me to have his friends numbers, then he probably shouldn’t go to them for favors that involve both of us, but I kept it to myself.
Finally I said, “I’ll give the taxes to you tomorrow IF [tax preparer who is his friend] calls me today.”
30 seconds later, Will called me back and said, “He said that she says you can call her, here’s her number…”
I called her, she was the same person I knew from before the separation – no hate in her as he seemed to want me to believe. No divisiveness in her answers, no hint of favoritism. She answered my questions. When I apologized for being unable to meet her requested schedule, she said not to worry that she planned to submit the form at work on Monday anyway, not today or tomorrow.
She told me that the refund would come in the form of a check this year made out to the two of us. He cannot put it in a non-joint account (at least not legally). She said she flat out told him that he had to split the return with me. She said that when Will had started complaining about the small return that she had told him he needed to be grateful to his kids and that his wife HADN’T had a job this past year because if either of those things were reversed, then he’d most likely OWE taxes.
What Will doesn’t know about me and his “friends” is that our tax preparer and I share a limited connection. We are not friends in the normal everyday sense of the word, but we are understanding of one another. The last time we spoke (more than a year ago) we shared some of the commonalities between our situations, our marriages. We had similar misgivings, similar concerns, similar problems. She knows some of what went on between Will and me.
We didn’t speak of any of that during our phone call yesterday, but I know she remembers. I have the sense that she’s going to be the same honest person when it comes to her work (she is a tax professional) as she is in her personal relationships, including the limited one we shared.
When we got off the phone, I looked over the numbers again and saw that she was right. Without the kids or if I had a paying job, we wouldn’t have gotten crap back this year. I signed the form and feel confident about the information going to the IRS. And if there’s any future issue, I feel confident in my ability to correct it.
I think Will didn’t want me to talk to her because he wants me to believe I am all alone in my assertion that he is abusive. But, between you and me, I know I’m not alone.
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