My Verbally Abusive Marriage

I am looking for a paying job. But I really don’t want a boss. I’ve had a boss for 18 years, my husband, and it hasn’t turned out well. The more I tried to please my boss, the more he took advantage. The time I spent “helping” and pleasing him was wasted.

Well, not entirely. I do have two beautiful boys as a result of my marriage. And I did have plenty of time to learn new skills, although I taught myself and have nothing to “show” for my efforts. Not really. Not if what I want to show is job experience (for an employer) or an income.

I fight the urge to run out and apply for a cashier position at Walmart. After all these years of enjoying his steady paycheck, I’m a bit frightened of having to create my own money. I’m a little afraid of NOT having a boss. I don’t really know exactly HOW to boss myself.

But what I DO know is a job at Walmart would be devoid of passion. Some people LOVE working at Walmart and other cashier type jobs, and I’m grateful they do. In fact, I wish more people loved it because the lines at Walmart get super long and I highly value good cashiers!

But I don’t want to be one.

After years of hiding my passion, or at the very least, crippling it, I want to USE it. I want to live in it. I want to love my days, love my hours, love every minute. And make some money while I’m loving it.

There are a multitude of reasons for living with passion. One, and probably the most significant, is that passion is power. I read a great post by Aaron Wong who gives three reasons to use my passion. He writes:

1. Passion creates energy, energy creates power
2. Your passion empowers others
3. Passion is invincible

I tell you, this Aaron kid is after my heart! He hit the nail on the head. That is exactly what I want.

I have passion, I am gaining the “know-how” to use it, and I have the skills I need to use it.

What I feel I don’t have is the TIME I need to decide exactly which path to follow first. I have a lot of passions, a lot of skills. As soon as I narrow it down to writing or web design, I feel constricted. Labelling my passion scares me. I want to be able to use it in WHATEVER vehicle I FEEL LIKE using at any given time. Crazy?

Actually, I read a book on this very subject. It’s called “Refuse to Choose” by Barbara Sher. She calls people like me (who can’t seem to make up their mind which great “thing” to do) Scanners. Scanners have loads of passion, possibly even loads of talents, but feel divided and unsure which path to choose. On top of that, we don’t WANT to choose ONE path. We want the freedom to do it all. That’s me.

Scanners like me also feel ostracized by a society that tells us to pick one thing and do it well. If we’re not “specialized” or if we don’t have a career with a name, then we’re not doing something right. Other people call us flighty, indecisive, unmotivated due to a seeming lack of follow through. (If those people only knew what went on inside my head! LOL)

The trick is to EMBRACE the passion, EMBRACE the ability to do multiple things, to wear multiple hats. Then, we Scanners can throw off societal blame for not living up to our potential, for not CHOOSING one road. The book gives really great ideas on how to go about creating a career for ourselves using our multiple passions OR creating multiple careers (and multiple streams of income).

So as I look for this elusive “job” I am going to push away the panic of “not having” a steady paycheck. I do need some form of income, though. I’m thinking that my first stream of income will come from designing websites for small businesses. Simple, clean, efficient – so when a potential customer looks for the business online, there is an actual website and relevant information to see. So important these days!

I’m also writing a book, and have a second one in line. I am also exploring affiliate marketing and website hosting. Oh – and I wouldn’t mind getting paid to write some articles for magazines. And I’m willing to be a guest blogger for free!

I’d also like to speak publicly about my experience and what other people can do to escape abuse, and how the ones who love the victims can best help them. I’m going to Toastmasters to work on that skill.

So you see, I’m not short on IDEAS, but I am short on time. Or maybe that is just another idea that I have to extricate from my psyche. Maybe I have exactly the time I need.

Possibly Related Posts:

1. Work to Undo
2. This Doesn’t Work
3. I Love Who I Am Becoming
4. Luxury
5. Dear Erin

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