Residue
The residue from my abusive relationship clogs my brain neurons like smoke and nicotine residue clogs electronics. Enough smoke and the greasy nicotine will kill a computer, a server…enough abusive residue can kill my brain function. I’ve got to clean the residue from my brain so I can start fresh.
My most limiting belief is “I am worthless”. Despite evidence to the contrary, this idea is the underlayment to every single thing I do, every thought I think.
I am worthless to my husband.
- I hinder him, hold him back.
- I don’t know how to manage “his” money. I spent too much.
- I don’t appreciate him. I was unwilling to love him how he wanted me to love him.
- I don’t understand his culture – the one that drinks constantly no matter what the occasion (or feeling).
- I don’t understand men; I want him to be a woman.
I am worthless to my family.
- I don’t provide a monetary contribution.
- I warp my children’s minds.
- I don’t have any friends who can offer any positive benefit.
- I don’t know how to support the people I love when they need me.
I am worthless to a functioning society.
- I am too liberal in my beliefs.
- I give people too much benefit of the doubt.
- I trust strangers.
- I don’t offer a skill that people could use.
I am worthless to myself.
- I don’t even have the common sense to know when I am wrong.
- I push and push and push to get what I want even though I know I’m wrong for wanting it.
- I think about the wrong issues, getting sidetracked by unimportant details and ideas.
- I am unwilling to change my mind, I’m too stubborn.
These are the ideas I bought into over the years. These are things my abuser told me. These are things he believed about me – or maybe he didn’t. Maybe he said them only to bring me down, make me feel disheartened, to make me easier to control.
When I have confronted him about the things he’s said to me, his response is “I’ve always told you how talented you are.”
Really? That’s what he’s been trying to tell me? He’s a lousy communicator.
What I want to do NOW is rid myself of HIS beliefs about me. I want to shine; but it’s hard to shine when I’m stuffed into a cloud of doubt. Although I know the doubt I’m suffering is fictional – it “shouldn’t” be present – I also know that I FEEL it very deeply. I feel like it could be true.
I am trying to find my way clear of this sticky, murky residual abuse. I’m doing it to myself at this point. He isn’t even here, and I still think these things.
Maybe the first step is to set this belief out in the open air – bring it into my conscious mind where it can no longer skulk and hide away. I will release it, and if it comes back like a boomerang then I’ll release it again until I’ve thrown it so far away it can never come back. Maybe god will catch it and put it on the shelf with all the other self-limiting boomerangs people have thrown away so it cannot come back to me ever again.
Maybe he’ll give the “worthlessness” idea to a narcissist to balance them out a little.
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April 6th, 2010 at 7:51 AM
I recently read something that fits this post to a “T”…
The only REAL power you have in your life is the Power over your own thoughts.
If you consciously choose the positive, life rewarding thoughts – that is what you will receive in return.
You can do this. I believe in you 100%. Get your rubber band out and snap yourself every time one of these horrible thoughts (from your post) enters your mind.
Take control of your thoughts and you will take control of yourself.
April 6th, 2010 at 11:41 PM
Hi Kellie,
I want you to know that the things you’ve said, both in your journal and videos, have helped me so much! I am 18 years old. I am stuck at home with a verbally and sometimes violently abusive father. I double-guess myself so often. I’ve been depressed and have had thoughts of suicide since about the age of 14, but have only recently begun to understand why. I know I want to leave. I also know this may be a dangerous thing to do. Then again, I know that to even speak is a dangerous thing to do when he’s around! I’m so confused with what is right and what is wrong. I’m confused about who I should tell, how I should feel, and the right way to say it…I just want you to know how strong you are, and that you and I, my mother, all women and men out there in the same boat, can do whatever we set our minds to. When I hear your thoughts, it feels as if I am having a conversation with you! I laugh and I cry and I believe to relate to someone and know you are not alone, is one very large step in the healing process. Thank you so much, keep it up, you are doing great.
April 7th, 2010 at 8:54 AM
Stefani,
Who to tell, how to feel, right way to say it…yes, I understand that very well. You can anonymously call 800.799.7233 (NDVH) and talk to someone right now, I recommend this option HIGHLY. It was one of the first steps outside of myself that I took.
Do you have a good friend? If you have a friend you can trust, can you trust her parents? (I’m not asking because I think you couldn’t have a good friend, but because I don’t know how “well” your dad has been able to isolate you.)
You’re 18…do you drive? Have access to a car? If so, you could call the department of social services in your town, ask them about their domestic violence program, and find out where there’s a group meeting. You can do this anonymously, I think, but before you give them any personal information, verify that you can remain anonymous if you choose. It sounds like you need HELP, but since you aren’t certain “how” you want to deal with it, be careful talking to DSS – they could initiate an investigation on your behalf and interrupt the family life (something it sounds like you may not be ready to face). Because you’re 18, DSS may not initiate any investigation unless you have younger siblings.
How about a teacher or guidance counselor? A boss? A neighbor? Look online for resources in your state and city. Trust a stranger.
You’re mom – you didn’t say if your mom was living with you or not. I get a sense that she’s suffering along with you. Have you spoken to her about your dad? About your situation, feelings and fears? I’ve got to tell you that when I was still with my husband, I tried to talk to him about my boys’ feelings and fears. He wouldn’t accept what I was saying, said I was twisting their minds, and used the information I gave him to further emotionally/mentally damage our boys. Your mom may be trying to help you too, behind the scenes, and having similar results. There’s no way to know unless you ask her.
What is right and wrong? YOU are right – your father is WRONG. If you confront him, he will do everything in his power to convince you that you are mistaken, that he is a noble man who is dealing with a bad situation the best way he can, that he may be abrasive but he is NOT abusive and you are too young to understand the difference. Or he may explode, using fear to make you shut-up and even though you “know” you’re right at that point, you’ll also know that saying ANYTHING results in scary anger, maybe physical violence. You’re right in saying you’re in a dangerous situation – the danger lies in the unknown. Your father has accomplished his goal very well. (Subconscious goal or conscious goal? It doesn’t matter TO YOU if he knows what he does or not – the effects on you are the same.)
Your dad has probably instilled in you doubt about authority figures and counselors (school or otherwise), teachers and neighbors – anyone outside the family who may be able to help you. I am asking you to choose one person outside of your family to talk to about this bad crap going on at home. Choose one person and tell them. Maybe that person will not know what to do or how to help, but you will have opened the flood gates. Talking about it once will make it easier to talk about it again. Tell a second person, and a third. Align yourself with a network of people who know what’s going on within your family. You will feel stronger, you will begin to see just how strong you’ve been all along.
As much as you may want to rescue your mom or any siblings as you strengthen yourself, resist the urge FOR NOW. They will see what you are doing, how you are changing. There will be a day when they want to be like you, and when that day comes, you will be strong enough to lead them OUT. But if you wait for someone else to rescue YOU, then your strength will continue to lie latent, you will continue to doubt it, you will continue to doubt yourself. Stefani, rescue YOU first.
You may not know how you feel, that is true. That happens when you are forced to gauge someone else’s emotional status before you’re free to feel your own feelings. You’ve spent your life waiting to see how daddy felt so you would know what it was safe to feel. “What mood is dad in?…What is going on with mom?… Is it safe for me to laugh? Is it all right to cry?” You stuff your emotions away until it’s safe to feel them. You’ve probably got so many emotions stuffed away inside that they’re all bursting to get out and you don’t know which to feel first. It’s okay, Stefani, in time, you will sort out what you feel, you will feel it all and you will be safe to do so.
You know, the very idea that you see strength in me, that you see what I’m doing as a source of support, speaks volumes about your own inner strength. If you didn’t know what inner strength WAS, you wouldn’t be able to recognize it in anyone else. YOU are a light, you are an agent of change, you are strong and very aware of the truth.
April 9th, 2010 at 8:07 AM
Kellie,
“Worthless” is not a word that describes you and you cannot let it define you. You are smart, intuitive, and if you really have any doubt that what you do is not worthwhile…just re-read your post to Stefani. You have a gift and I have no doubt that you will one day use it in the manner that you choose.
You helped me tremendously; I stayed up all night reading the book you recommended and thinking about what you wrote to me. It made things so clear. Designing web sites might get the bills paid in the short term, but your life’s work is right there for you. You made me realize that I can accept the status quo and live in drudgery to keep a marriage going…or I can identify today as the first day of my life and accept that I’m 40, I’m smart, and don’t have any more time to waste. Least of all with a guy who wants to control everything. We married men, but also a culture that is male oriented, promotes the concept of the warrior, and requires that spouses sacrifice for the warrior to do his job. You and me, we think too much to do that. I love him, but I love me, too. And maybe we can’t reconcile that between us and maybe we are going to have to make a decision. I’m not sure I can give up “me” and I know he can’t give up what he does and who he is, because that culture is so ingrained into him.
Love yourself, Kellie. Lots of people out here are loving you back. We believe in you and we want you to be successful.