My Verbally Abusive Marriage

That’s a good and a multi-faceted question.

First off, did you notice how questions that begin with “why” tend to be accusatory? As if the questioner demands to know why you would do something other than what is best (in the questioner’s mind).

But I do accuse myself of making poor decisions, of having made a poor decision. I stayed, and my reasons for doing so are both rational and irrational. But to answer “Why did I stay?” I have to go toward the irrational reasons first because they are the strongest.

Irrational Reasons:

1. I promised to love, honor and cherish him forever. I consider this vow the most important and meaningful one I ever made; I assumed it was the same for him. What I didn’t take into consideration while holding steadfast to my promise was that HE BROKE IT within weeks of making it. If a vow is the same as a contract (rationally) then my vow was null and void the first time he called me a whore. Or, if that isn’t “enough”, then the first time he put his hands on me. But I didn’t let that promise go. Part of me still wants to honor it, even now.
2. My children deserved a “whole” family. While that is true, they do deserve a complete family, our family was not whole. Our family was fragmented every time I gave up a piece of myself to what I thought he wanted me to be. I was crumbling while imagining to be a foundation piece, a cornerstone. Over time, I eroded into the ground which eventually placed immeasurable pressure on each member of my family – even Will.
3. I love him. Again, technically true in feeling but inadequately pure in practice. If I ably and completely loved him, I would have let him self-destruct (or surprise me to death by NOT self-destructing) instead of trying to constantly “help” or “fix” him, us, me. If I had been truly able to love HIM, then I would have left him a long time ago so he could be who he wanted to be.
4. I’m not as great as I thought I was. Not so. I was and am every bit as great as I was back in the day. Unfortunately, years of hearing that I was out of touch with reality caused me to doubt myself. I believed him more than I believed me.
5. He is right about me. I’m flighty, selfish, immature and living in a dream world. No. I’m not even going to explain.

Rational Reasons:

1. Nope. I can’t think of one. They’re all irrational – in hindsight.

More Irrational Reasons:

1. Being part of a team is safer and more stable than going it alone. Not when the team can’t work together without fighting over every detail.
2. It makes financial sense to stay here. In a way, this is true. It goes along with the “team” idea. Money pooled in one IRA is more powerful than the same amount of money divided into a traditional IRA, a Roth, and a company 401K. The one idea I overlooked is that money cannot buy happiness; I could never buy the kind of love I needed to thrive. Certainly the Money God is making a big red X next to Will and my names in his book right now. But the Happiness God is erasing previously made X’s on my record.
3. I have no where else to go. Actually, I never truly thought this. I always had somewhere else I could have gone because of the kind of family I have. Even if I had NO family, there are government resources I could have tapped into and legal steps I could have taken. But when I was desperate for a reason to stay, this was a solid stand-by reason, good for another bout of crying and convincing myself of the impossibility of my situation.
4. I’ve been a horrible wife and deserve this punishment. While I cannot say for sure that I was a great wife, I now realize that no one, not even horrible wives, deserve abuse at the hands (or by the words) of their husbands. I think we all eventually get what we “deserve” – but it isn’t up to one individual to determine what that is or how we receive it.
5. He’s been to war and suffers PTSD, so I need to give him some slack. I’m not psychologist. How do I know what he “suffers” from? Quite possibly, my husband was unaffected by the war and his subsequent combat area deployments. For the record, everything has been much worse since returning from a deployment in 2008. BUT, two things: one, my husband abused me before seeing any war zone at all; and two, any mental/emotional issue he has is HIS…I cannot expect myself to tolerate abuse because I feel sorry for him or think I can help him along his road to recovery.
6. My husband is a good man and doesn’t want to hurt me. Maybe he doesn’t want to hurt me. Maybe his actions are completely subconscious, maybe he doesn’t remember what he’s done. Maybe my perception of him is completely false. Maybe I am unappreciative. Maybe I am too emotional. Maybe I imagine our relationship to be worse than it is. Maybe I don’t have it so bad. Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I’m the one with the abusive personality. Maybe I’m sick and twisted. Maybe I’m the one who has it wrong.

Maybe that line of thinking is what led me down the path of self-destruction.

Will told me time and again that I was irrational. Well, he was right about that. What he didn’t know was that my irrationality kept us together, for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.

Possibly Related Posts:

1. Jill’s Abusive Experience
2. Conflicting Thoughts After Leaving Abusive Husband
3. Linda’s Abusive Experience
4. Marriage Counseling
5. Top 8 Signs It’s Time To Leave Your Marriage

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