Will I Survive This?
That question headed the discussion at the Woman’s Emotional Abuse Support yahoo group. I wanted to answer it with a positive note, but I couldn’t. I am wondering the same thing.
The pain and agony, heart-wrenching gut-churning sadness that I am experiencing is worse than any I’ve felt before. It’s worse than when my grandfathers died, worse than when my dad died. It’s worse than when I lost those babies in miscarriages, worse than when I suspected that Will cheated on me. It’s worse than when we left Texas for the Army. It’s worse than the nightmares I used to have about my children dying.
It’s worse.
Every minute of every day feels like a do or die choice.
- Do I go to the Women’s Center and sign up for classes? (yes.)
- Do I wear sneakers or boots? (sneakers.)
- Do I get into the car or run back into the house? (car.)
- Do I listen to rock or AM radio? (rock.)
- Do I keep driving or do I pull over and cry? (keep driving.)
- Do I ask to see that one lady and then collapse into tears in her office? (no.)
- Do I pay $30 for this class or just forget it altogether? (pay.)
- Do I keep on deciding or stop thinking? (decide.)
- Do I let the tears flow or hold them back? (no choice. they flow.)
I miss the times Will was deployed because I could imagine that we were happy and pretend that everything would work out. I had peace and calm and security.
Now I have no peace or security.
It takes every ounce of energy to think, to decide, to move, to breathe. At night, I am exhausted but cannot fall asleep. I occupy my mind with thoughts of Eddie falling asleep in the next room, so close, still here, so strong, so trusting. I envision tomorrow being brighter, my breath coming automatically without having to remember to inhale.
Tonight, I’ll remember taking Eddie to shop for snacks and working in the front yard with him under the hazy sky. I’ll wonder what is going on with Marc, wonder how he can text me with happy news but stare at me with blank eyes and a smirk. I’ll tell myself to be patient, that there will be brighter days, and force my thoughts back to Eddie, by now sleeping soundly in the other room.
I’ll decide to hold back the tears that seemingly serve no purpose and instead visualize a happier time, away from now and this soul-less blackness that surrounds me.
In the morning, will I get out of bed or sleep and pretend this isn’t happening? (get out of bed.)
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March 18th, 2010 at 10:41 PM
The sadness and pain will be worse than anything you have experienced before, for a while. For me, the first year was unrelenting sadness. Now in my second year of separation, it is getting better and better. I am amazed how increasingly positive I have become. I was very negative during the marriage, and was in terrible emotional pain for the first year of separation. However, things do change for the better over time.
March 18th, 2010 at 11:00 PM
One more thing: My own kids were older when I separated, but still were devastated. One sobbed and begged me to come back. The other was bitter and angry, and told me I’d ruined their dad’s life. I tried not to discuss their father’s verbal abuse (did mention it once-hard not to mention it). Things changed, and now, 1 1/2 years later, I see my daughter demand respect from her new boyfriend (she never did this before) and my son compliments me on positive traits he says he never saw when I was with his father. They still have pain, but I think kids make up their own mind about these things, and they begin to understand after a while. As they grow, your children will figure out what was going on in your marriage. They may never tell you they understand, but their actions will show a change over time. Also, think about this: I know I am unhappy when forced to make a change (new job, move to a new town, etc.). Kids are the same way. Part of their negative reaction is because they are forced to make a change too, when you leave. This doesn’t mean, however, that you should not separate. In fact, the boys may someday see your strength, and they may pick girlfriends who are able to make decisions for themselves, too.
March 20th, 2010 at 4:17 PM
Just an answer to the question u asked me on your entry 10th march, srry didnt answer as i havent looked back in till now, u asked if i had been in an abusive relationship or knew of any one who had.
Ive had numerous friends in abusive reltionships, ended up with police involvement also id been married to a verbally abusive man for 14 years who threatened to kill me, i also no a lot about alcoholism as a child of an alcoholic parent who was abusive i hope this answers your questions.
March 20th, 2010 at 4:41 PM
Thank you, keepsmiling. I am grateful that you are here and contributing. I am sorry that you’ve experienced so MUCH abuse over the years.
What is your advice? How do you “keep smiling” – or rather, how do you smile on the INSIDE? What keeps you sane and peaceful and happy?