One of the problems in an abusive relationship is that when the “victim” admits fault, the “abuser” uses that intimate information against her (or him, whichever). For example, when I told my husband I was depressed and sought help back in 1998(?), he used my depression as a point of entry for attacks. Recently, when I told him I was learning about codependency and trying to change, he started telling me all of my problems were because there was “something wrong” with me and “you admit it”. My apologies are accepted and used as ammo later; he does not apologize to me.

You see, it is very easy for me to admit fault (when I see it!). It is easy for me to apologize when I know I’ve been wrong. There is no “NEW” laying down of the sword in this post. I’ve done this type of thing consistently throughout my marriage and the other facets of my life, too.

There is no way that this post will somehow cause Will to magically change and stop attacking me. He will use this post as he’s used all of my other apologies; maybe he will pause briefly to grab a bigger sword because I’m weakened (in his eyes) and he can take the opportunity to arm himself more fully.

Keepsmiling, are you involved in an abusive relationship or do you know someone who is?

May I also add that in reflecting in my own situation, being it is what it is, that I am finding in being immersed in such a life that this insideous “disease” leaks into all aspects of life. I find that many of my “wrong-doings” are due to reacting to the life I have been living, reacting to the reactions of those around me, and hence, my children are beginning to do the same. I can admit to many of the same wrongs you have, and possibly thousands more. No, we in these situations are not innocent, but it is important to note that we do wrong and to figure out why. For me, I was not always this person that I am now. I know what because I have spoken with several people who knew me way before I was sucked into this life. And I’ve been reminded that these “wrongs” are not ME; I’m still me deep down inside. I’m sure you are finding the same.

And the blog, keep it Kellie. This has become bigger than you and Will. It is a living breathing thing that inspires, validates, and is truly helping hundreds of women…if not more.

When two people in a marriage are very head strong, one of them has to lay down the sword and admit to some of the wrongs they may have contributed to the build up of problems within the marriage, well done you have admitted you have made mistakes now maybe will can admit some of his.

Also nobody in the world is perfect, we all make mistakes because we are human with human emotions and sometimes say things we dont mean, words said in the heat of the moment are not always meant it is a defence mechanism, or born from frustration to get a reaction, so dont over analyse things said in arguments.

You asked that we not comment things like “But Kellie, you were justified” or “You were in the middle of a horrible situation!”. You said that for a reason. You know they are true; but you are also trying to figure out exactly where you stand in the whole situation.

Please don’t deny yourself the courtesy of realizing you were ultimately REACTING. EVEN if you were the one to start the offense.

About your blog. I swear. Don’t let Will (or anybody else) convince you to take it down. That blows me away. You are speaking the truth on here. You are using it to work your way through a horrible life situation. You DESERVE this; and so does anybody else who reads it in order to have realizations in their own lives. If it “embarrasses” him – he shouldn’t acted in the way that he has.

By Will telling you that it is an embarrassment – it is another form of manipulation. If HE were actually working through this problem, he would realize that he has to own up to his actions. He is not doing that. He wants them gone.

If YOU don’t want to continue on, I will. I will write about being the sister of a woman who endures this abuse and manipulation. Your story MUST be told. It will be much, much better coming from you. You are on a life path here, Kellie. Keep it up, and don’t feel the least bit guilty. After all, you are just presenting the truth.

(Good job on registering those business names BTW!)

In the spirit of the first half of your post… I am biting my tongue, or tying my fingers, when I say the following. Just remember:

NOBODY’S PERFECT.

I love you. You are a wonderful person; and you are doing the right thing here.