I Want to Lie to You
I visited my attorney for the first time on January 26th – two days before our first court date. On that day, she asked if there was any chance of reconciliation. I told her that he would have to do a lot of things he swore he would NEVER do if we were going to reconcile. I told her that reconciliation was out of the question so far as I could see.
On February 13, I wrote Too Soon. At the end of the post, I said:
“Instead of blogging, I am going to write out what I want. I’m going to give that to my attorney (for record-keeping) and have her send it to Will. Then maybe he’ll tell me what HE WANTS and I can either be pleased, hurt, or angry, but I would be able to move ahead without feeling unheard and rushed.”
I wrote it out, everything I wanted. What it would take to maybe repair our relationship and maybe save our marriage. I never sent it to my attorney, but last weekend, I gave a copy to Will.
I told him that I was holding it back because I didn’t think he’d agree to it. I didn’t tell him that if he didn’t agree to it that I would be hurt because I’ll know that he didn’t think “I” was worth the effort. If he doesn’t agree to the terms, then it means we’re finished. Completely.
But I want to know. I want to move forward in this life knowing I did absolutely everything I could to prevent our divorce. To prevent my children’s hearts from ripping in two. To prevent my heart from ripping the rest of the way. To prevent destruction. To give him a chance to face his demons as I face mine, individually, but together.
In the document I gave him, I tell him the what I want. I tell him he can add to it, but not take away from it; if I cannot agree to his additions, then we divorce.
I wanted to lie to you for a while longer, waiting to see if he would agree or not. If he did agree, then I would tell you all about it.
But if he never agreed, then I would keep the shameful secret to myself.
I do feel ashamed. Once I left, I knew I’d done something that my family and some of you had prayed I would do. I feel ashamed because by giving him this chance, by giving us this chance, you may see me as a loser. You may see me as someone who retreats instead of someone who fights. You may see me as a true abuse victim, willing to subjugate my wishes to his. You may lose confidence in me, you may think I am a fraud.
I feel ashamed because I thought once I left, I would be gone for good, and here I am giving him another chance to break my heart. Even if he agrees to the terms, there is no guarantee he will honor them later. He has a tendency to forget things that are important to me.
But I do not promise that if he agrees to the terms that all will be immediately well. I want this year apart. At the end of this year, even if we’ve both done everything I’ve asked, I may not want to stay married. He may not want to stay married. Maybe we’ll go ahead with the divorce. Maybe I’ll think we’re reconciling but he hits me with divorce papers.
I know I’m leaving myself wide open. That’s what I do – expose my soul.
Maybe it is better if you read the agreement. The only difference between what I gave to him and what I’m providing to you is his name. I changed his real name to “Will” as I do on this blog.
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March 1st, 2010 at 10:55 PM
ABSOLUTLY EXCELENT! You ARE a planner, and please, do not ever feel that anyone would ever consider you a fraud! You are 100% genuine and honest! By doing this, this post and these reconciliation terms,you are doing the right thing for you and your family. You are implimenting assertive intervention, something anyone with an ounce of love and caring would do…I for one am proud of you, who you are…just you…you are a beautiful, loving woman, and those who have you in their lives are truly blessed…Thanks again and always for sharing, it helps those who read more than you may ever know!
March 2nd, 2010 at 11:05 AM
There is NOTHING wrong with wanting to prevent divorce. I think your list is excellent. I would add that drawing the line at abuse is good, but you want a HAPPY marriage, not just an abuse free one. Actively being cherished, loved, respected and honored is not to much to demand and is actually necessary for stopping abuse. You need to replace the hurt with love for you to heal. I recommened Kathy and Joel Davisson’s books. Google them and you’ll find them.
My STBX refused my “list”. Wouldn’t read one book, walked out of therapy. Wants to reconcile but just wants to ignore the fact that he has abused me for years and wants us to try to be nice and let the past go! It hurts to know that he will not do the work and that I am left with filing for divorce and changing my daughter’s life forever or I KNOW I will return to the same life I finally got the strength to leave.
Please also consider that he should get therapy BEFORE you do couples work. He needs to show remorse and a desire for restituion or he will use couples counseling as a weapon against you. Couples counseling is not recommended for abusive relationships. No one is perfect, but the abuse is HIS issue, not yours as a couple. Sending you comfort and love on your journey.