Today I drove to the swamp and sat there, in the car, wondering what my next move would be. There are so many possibilities. The possibilities could be paralyzing, but I’ve chosen to CHOOSE one and go with it.

If it doesn’t work (but it will) then I will choose another possibility.

So after I thought about what I wanted to do, what my next move would be, I thought to myself…”What is the one thing I don’t know that it would help me to know right now?” I sat there for awhile, not knowing, and thinking that God wasn’t going to answer this question. I mean, I didn’t know what I didn’t know, so how was I going to get an answer?

I got quiet, waiting for the voices. But the swamp was silent. Smooth. Still. It was a still-life painting, un-romanticized and brown. There were no voices. I thought about how different this swamp looked the first time I ran to it.

On that day, the water was almost overflowing the banks. There were swirls and eddies, fish jumping and forest noises. The swamp flowed that day, life exploded. But today, there was nothing but quiet. I thought about how much the swamp had changed and how it may be different the next time I visited. Mossy green and stagnant?

But then I realized that it didn’t matter how the swamp would be different next time – it would be what I needed it to be. It would change. It would change into what I needed it to be.

And so will I.

Victim or Survivor? There has to be a different word for what I have experienced and what is to come. I don’t feel like repeating the word “victim” to myself or portraying myself as such. I am a “survivor” of abuse; however, the word survivor brings to my mind those who have been shot, bloodied, or on the brink of suicide due to the abuse inflicted upon them. I don’t want to run around calling myself a survivor when I haven’t survived any major types of physical harm.

I’m not taking away from the fear and pain physical abuse has caused in me – those feelings are real and valid. But I’ve never looked like Rhiana in her post-abuse photos, I’ve never been hospitalized due to physical abuse.

I’m looking for a word that describes what I’ve experienced. A short, small, easily understood label.

I also have to be careful of what I say to myself about my experience with abuse. I don’t want to blame or label HIM in order to describe myself. My and Will’s understanding and take on our experience is different, and that’s really all there is to it. I cannot force him to admit to nor accept responsibility for any of it; I cannot somehow force him to stop blaming me for it. I can’t even convince him that his behaviors are abusive, let alone that his behaviors have impacted me in a negative way.

So how do I describe me (within the confines of abuse)?

• Sufferer (no, I definitely don’t want to live my life as a “sufferer of” anything; I prefer to recognize and correct instead of suffer)
• Contributor (I did contribute to the abusive cycle, but in a domestic violence realm, if I contributed to the abuse, doesn’t that mean that I approved of it?)
• Participant (somewhat close, but implies the word “willing” to go along with it and doesn’t quite describe the confusion mental and emotional abuse inflicts)
• Victim (yes, I am a victim of abusive behavior, but like “sufferer” I prefer to not live my life under the victim umbrella)
• Survivor (have I survived it? are there degrees of  victim-hood that hold greater claim to this word?)
• Wife of an Abuser (labels HIM)
• Casualty (closer…implies that I am still living although I’ve previously been in the thick of it)
• Recovering Victim (yuck. plain yuck.)
• Misused (as in “not cared for in the way I would have liked”; still not right because it implies that I can be somehow “used” or did agree to someone “using” me)
• Living with Abuse (begs the question “WHY?” and that requires an answer that the asker wouldn’t understand anyway)

I cannot think of a word or phrase that succinctly labels my experience. Yet. Maybe the lack of vocabulary for “the abusive situation” speaks more than one word could. Abuse itself is insidious, tricky, sneaky and quiet. It makes sense that Abuse wouldn’t “want” a label pinned to it.

Abuse is what it is. Abuse creates victims for awhile, then either disposes of that victim (killing body or spirit) or the victim becomes something other than Victim. Abuse uses someone else to inflict it’s pain; the longer the “abuser” stays in the dark about Abuse, the longer the abuse lives. Likewise, the longer the “victim” doesn’t recognize Abuse, the easier it is for Abuse to infiltrate the victim’s behaviors as well.

Abuse seeks to win and live and thrive in two people, not one. When Abuse is able to accomplish that feat, it is more likely that Abuse’s two victims will stay silent about the torment they inflict upon one another.

There is probably no one word to describe “this” and that is probably why I’ve been writing about Abuse for over a year.

As usual, I’m reading books to educate myself. Tonight’s subject is divorce.

The thrust of Nolo’s book on divorce is on deciding what kind of divorce I want, then considering how I want to get there. Do attorney’s hash it out? Do we have to go to court and air our dirty laundry? Or would mediation work for us?

But then there’s the big question: Am I on the path to divorce? Is there NO alternative? Am I going to get divorced in the same hasty manner I married? Did I throw out the brakes on this vehicle on a down hill road?

If we lived in Texas, we could get a quickie divorce (so long as we were happy with the separation agreement). In North Carolina, we must live separately for one year. I am beginning to see the wisdom in the forced wait.

I find myself wishing Will and I could talk. We both want separation from each other. We both want the other to change. We both want to renegotiate a LOT of crap. And there I go speaking for him again when there is no way to know what he is thinking. I cannot, by choice and by law, talk to him now.

I need time.

But my attorney wants my financial documentation yesterday. She wants to know exactly where I’m headed when all I know is that I don’t want him around me now. Isn’t there some way to slow down?

Will wants me to not show up in court for his next appearance. If I don’t show up, then chances are the court will drop the charges. Good for him, makes me look like a liar. I’m no liar; I’ll be in court. What he says doesn’t align with what my attorney says. He says I can’t trust a civilian attorney; I think I can trust a civilian attorney because I have NO ACCESS to a military one.

I trust that everyone knows military courts are completely different from civilian ones. Even Will, an active duty soldier, cannot hire a military attorney to represent him in civil court. JAG is not a free attorney service for the military. JAG only governs what happens to a soldier under military law (discharge from the military, dock pay, reduce rank…that kind of thing).

Because the military now pays attention to domestic violence and abuse, IF Will’s convicted of domestic abuse the Army will dishonorably discharge him. That’s what Will says JAG says. I haven’t been able to get to JAG yet – they have a class two times a week and my other appointments have taken priority.

So here I am, being pressured to “not show up” in court and to get financial documents so “we can proceed,” and all I’m really wanting to do is to SIT WITH THIS for a bit.

There may be a really smart way to handle this separation and divorce that doesn’t involve ridiculous amounts of pressure OR money. I’m no attorney, but I think, given a little time, I can get a handle on WHAT I WANT and then find out WHAT HE WANTS and then see how close to agreeing we are.

I’m thinking a mediator is necessary. Will wants the cheapest way out, but I have a lot at stake. If I don’t have someone who can protect my interests, then Will loses nothing and keeps everything WE have worked for and created in the past 18 years.

I think he doesn’t care about that. I think he wants to rush things so I don’t have a chance to think. Or maybe he wants to rush things because it hurts. But ALL of those ideas are simply me projecting my own thoughts onto Will, and that isn’t going to help me one bit.

Instead of blogging, I am going to write out what I want. I’m going to give that to my attorney (for record-keeping) and have her send it to Will. Then maybe he’ll tell me what HE WANTS and I can either be pleased, hurt, or angry, but I would be able to move ahead without feeling unheard and rushed.

See “What I Want” on the post entitled I Want To Lie To You

The best part about blogging is coming up with titles. I love titles. Sometimes I know the title before I know what to write, and sometimes I have to finish a post before the title jumps out at me.

But I am having a hard time coming up with titles this week.

I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know what I’m feeling. And when I think about what I’m thinking I feel afraid. There’s no good title for that kind of confusion. There’s no good title for this time in my life.

I’m not married but I’m not single. I don’t want to be married, but I don’t want to date. (puh-leeze! will I ever be ready to date?!)

I’m not employed, but I’m not lazy. I’m not unemployed because I’m not quite “looking” either.

I don’t really have a home of my own, but I’m living in one.

I don’t really have any money of my own, and the thought of having my own cash worries me. Having my own money means that I’m alone.

I am alone, but I’m still Mama. I am alone, but I’m still sister, daughter, friend and even wife. How can I be so many people but feel like I’m lost and wandering? How can I be Mama when I don’t know what the hell I’m doing?

I’m afraid but trying to be brave. Courageous but wishing I’d been less so for a little longer. Smart and feeling like an idiot. Sad and not wanting to honor it.

Happy and fearful of letting it go, not trusting that it will return.

What the hell is THIS?

Right now, I am having doubts over whether I will be able to “make it” now that I’m free. I know my thoughts are normal – I think almost anyone in my position would hold similar ones. Shoot, probably most people have these thoughts at times. None of us have any guarantee that what we do will result in financial or any other type of security. Maybe we’re all just winging it.

These thoughts are new to me though. Always before, I had a husband who took care of me financially. I had faith that if I did my part, then we would be just fine. Now I have to do everything I used to do AND do “his part” so I can earn money for the boys and me. Continue reading →