My Verbally Abusive Marriage

The weekend is over, the boys are home. I started putting together my first book this weekend. I have a publisher and an idea, and I’m hoping for the best.

I didn’t start to feel anxious until about two hours before picking up our boys. I guess that I successfully preoccupied my brain for the rest of the time. I don’t feel void or “nothing” and I don’t feel overly paranoid or extremely sad. I don’t feel happy or entirely empowered, either. I feel…strange.

Marc got mad at me on the phone about an hour before it was time to pick him up. He yelled and used a word I don’t like, told me my reasons for telling him he couldn’t go to his friend’s house were “bullshit.” He said it was unfair that he had to choose between seeing friends on the weekend and seeing his father, and I agreed with that. I told him I would talk to Will about weekday visitations.

When I spoke to Will about it, I didn’t get a definite answer. Will implied that by visiting the boys in the middle of the week that I was not keeping their best interests at heart, choosing to disrupt their routine over keeping it stable. I said that these were extraordinary circumstances and that if Marc or Eddie wanted to see him during the week, then we would make the concessions to see that it happened. He also said that the magistrate gave me everything I asked for (I didn’t correct him by saying I didn’t ask for all of what she “gave”) and now I’d have to deal with it.

I don’t know what he was arguing about exactly. He and I are in charge of visitations and we can communicate about the boys (no-contact order amended on January 28). I think that since the boys want to see their father during the week in addition to weekends so that they have less “guilt” over also visiting friends on weekends, then we as parents should try to make it happen. I’m not going to stand in the way.

I left the ball in his court. I asked him to think about it, and if he decided it was something he could do then he could email my attorney and we would start figuring out how to go about it. (Due to the no contact order, he cannot contact me directly although we are allowed to discuss the children and see one another at a public place for visitations.)

There’s much that I cannot comprehend. I do understand that no matter what my opinion of Will or his behavior is, our boys see him as Dad and love him unconditionally. Marc and Eddie both would like to see him during the week if it is possible. Will said that he would like to see the boys, but feels I’m not using good judgment in requesting a midweek visit.

I wonder if, because I asked for a midweek visitation, Will would rather not “give me my way” than agree to see his boys. My other suspicion is that Will is drinking during the week and doesn’t want to interrupt his own routine. I don’t think his reluctance to visit midweek has anything to do with him not loving our children, but I don’t see how his explanation for not agreeing to see them midweek makes sense.

[Sigh.]

Maybe he’s trying to build a case against me and it has nothing to do with my other suspicions at all.

I don’t know what he’s thinking under those arguments that I don’t understand. I feel like there has to be something more to it, but after I publish this post, I’m going to let go of it entirely. I left him in charge of deciding, and now all I can do is wait without trying to figure him out. I have to let him go.

…..

Okay. It’s 15 minutes later. I’m letting it go.

Possibly Related Posts:

1. Conflicted
2. Leaving But Not Free
3. The Boys
4. Anniversary Anxiety
5. Wishbone

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