Apology At the End
Right now, I am questioning my own darkness.
I know that I have tried to hurt Will before. I know he likes a clean house, so I would let it fall to hell. I know he likes me to serve him food so I stopped doing it. One time recently, I even tried to make him mad – on purpose! There have been times where I wished I were more like how I perceive Will to be. I have wished I could somehow learn what he was doing so I could do it back to him.
I always feel horrible about it.
Wait. Let me clarify that. There was a time when I didn’t know I was doing it. I didn’t feel horrible about it then because I was “acting out” in the only way that came naturally to me.
Since I’ve learned about co-dependence, I’ve been able to see how my passive-aggressiveness was a form of manipulation. It certainly didn’t work very well, but it was my attempt to gain control.
If Will came by his aggression naturally, then I certainly came by my passive-aggression naturally. It’s the only thing I knew. I grew up with it, accepted it, and never questioned it because it was what I’d been taught by the people who I loved and didn’t want to question. (Sound familiar?)
There’s a reason people like Will and I get together. We complement one another perfectly. We’re two opposite ends of the same spectrum, neither one less harmful than the other emotionally or mentally. Will’s bad luck of the draw is that aggressive people get physical.
When Will and I first got together, we both had the same traits as we do now. But our deficiencies weren’t as pronounced; they were easier to ignore and forgive. But neither one of us wanted to take responsibility for our own feelings. We wanted the other to “make us” feel better. Over time, our anger at one another for not “making us” feel better led to button-pushing. Every time I pushed his button, he inched further toward aggression. Every time he pushed my button I inched further toward passive-aggression.
Now, we’re at completely opposite ends of the spectrum and the distance between us is insurmountable. There has been so much pain, too much pain.
I am working my way toward the center of the spectrum. Sometimes it seems like a slow crawl, and other days I seem to teleport with ease. This weekend has seen my slow crawl. The exchange with Ramona brought out feelings that I thought were confined to Will’s behavior, but they aren’t. I am “healthier” when it comes to Will because he is the obvious perpetrator, but I realize that my co-dependent passive-aggressive behavior is not limited to Will.
A part of me wants to bring Ramona over to “my side” because to do so would hurt Will. Her appearance on facebook and on this blog took me by surprise, and the language she used sent me spiraling backward into my darkness.
She is right in saying the last post is how I see her family. “Growing Up Co-Dependent” is focused on mine. Neither family is healthy. One family has an outward appearance of aggression, and one has an inward expression of aggression. But the language I used in the posts is different. I am much more forgiving of my family than I am of Ramona’s and Will’s. To me, their family has been hostile. I’ve never been comfortable there.
I lashed out at you, Ramona, passive-aggressively with that post, and I am ashamed of myself. I thought about taking it down, trying to make it seem like it never happened, but I won’t. This blog is a record of my journey, and to ignore my mistakes or pretend I don’t make them at this point would be more shameful than making the mistake.
I do apologize, Ramona, for adding fuel to this fire and I promise you, I will overcome this nasty habit that is mine and mine alone.
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February 8th, 2010 at 7:44 AM
She is right in saying the last post is how I see her family. “Growing Up Co-Dependent” is focused on mine. This statement is strange. You don’t know my family.
February 8th, 2010 at 8:02 AM
I’m dense. Your last post is based you believing that I am part of Will’s family. I am not. I grew up in a more passive-aggressive world, and also learned that behavior. Which I also displayed in my responses to your blog. I am sorry for that. Bad habits are hard to break.
February 8th, 2010 at 11:53 AM
You did not lash out – you defended yourself.
February 8th, 2010 at 2:59 PM
I actually agree with quietone. You owe me no apology. I wish I could tell you who I am. Unfortunately, I agreed not to get involved. Now I see that would have been the best thing to do. I can say this, I understand a family like Will’s. When you married him you were told you would be a part of that family. But, in reality, you were never aloud inside the circle. Sometimes you stand outside the circle, like a kid at a candy store, face pressed against the glass, wishing you were a part, and others, thanking your lucky stars you aren’t. But never truly feeling a part of it.
February 8th, 2010 at 7:36 PM
Sorry Ramona. I did think you were one of Will’s sisters. In one of your posts you made reference to TX giving custody to an alcoholic mother bent on suicide. I wrongly assumed that you were the mother you were referring to. I figured you were using yourself in that example of TX justice.
The mother you’re referring to has since made great strides in establishing mental health, (or so I’ve been told) so I felt that you must be her using yourself as the example.
So no, I have no idea who you are, Ramona nor who your family could be.
Our exchange has been beneficial to me; it actually helped me to see myself (and shortcomings) more clearly. Perhaps, after I remove this log from my own eye I will discover other flaws to work on. I don’t know how long it will take to establish new habits, only that I will and that I have a long life ahead of me to do so.
Perhaps later in my life, we can reconnect as something other than the strangers we are now.