Adding to It
Some people don’t see how they’re abusive. Will has said several times that he’s an asshole, but he doesn’t see it as being abusive.
I think that being an a-hole is something one might do on a bad day or once in a blue moon. And when someone is an a-hole and NOT an abuser, they usually apologize for it quickly, embarrassed by what they’ve done.
For example, the a-hole who cuts me off in traffic then flashes me the bird when I honk the horn is easy to forgive. Probably just a bad moment; no skin off my nose! Maybe, if we both ended up in the supermarket later eying the same head of cabbage, that guy would apologize. At least, that’s how these nerve-wracking scenes play out in my head. Gives me peace.
But someone who acknowledges that they’re an ass, is proud of being an ass, and seems to thrive on doing ugly things to other people in order to get his way…well, that person is abusive.
There are abusers that grew up in a home where abuse was normal. A home in which everyone felt isolated and struck out at the perceived weaker ones in order to relieve the stress on themselves. No one ever told them they were wrong; in fact, the example given by the caregivers showed them they were right. I think that these people, once out in the world, begin to pick up subtle clues that their behavior is not “normal.”
Some of them may take notice, wonder why they always feel put upon, mistreated. Why they’re distrustful and pessimistic 99% of the time. They may wonder why other people seem to look at them sadly or become upset in their presence. There is a chance that these abusers will seek to discover what may be putting people off from them. They may discover that their own attitudes and beliefs are holding them back from enjoying life, love, and happiness. These people may seek change.
But some of these unhappy people stick with what they know because it is what their grandparents did. What their parents did. It’s how they were raised and what they’ve done all their lives. Gosh darn it, they love love their family and to admit that the way they were brought up may have negatively affected them somehow takes away from their view of their forebears. Perhaps, as children, one criticism of their parent caused such an outrage that the child who made it was shamed and felt afraid. Now, as adults, the subtle memories of multiple shames and frightening moments prohibits them from even considering that something that grandparent did was, in any way, “wrong.”
“So if Grandma was right, then I’m right! If the world thinks I’m an a-hole, then I am. It works for me. It’s who I am.”
Those people will not seek change. They become abusers in part because they won’t admit there’s anything “wrong” with their behavior.
I’ve been an asshole before, but I’m not making it my life’s work.
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February 7th, 2010 at 11:11 PM
NO NEED TO RESPOND
I find it interesting that you chose to write about abusive families today. It makes me wonder if that is how you see “Will’s” family.
At this point all I’d like to say to everyone who reads these journals, there is always three sides to every story. The perception of each of the parties involved, and what the others on the outside actually see and perceive. I believe Kellie Jo actually said that. No jab intended, I just liked the comment.
I just so didn’t want to believe that “Will’s” family was telling me, was the truth. Unfortunately, I see for myself.
As stated by another person in a previous blog, blogs are for supporting one another. I support Kellie Jo leaving her huband, but I can’t support the way she is doing it. I sincerely believe she is, and has been, using this blog to better her position in her divorce.
February 8th, 2010 at 2:19 AM
How would you suggest I leave him, Ramona? Should I “let” him come home (as if he would seeing that I’ve done the “unforgivable” thing and actually reported him to the law)? Would it be okay with you if I stayed with him and waited to see how long it would take for him to hurt me again? How many times does he have to lay his hands on me before it is okay that I leave in this manner?
Maybe I should have left last month when he was promising he would change, that he would work with me, that he wanted “us” to last. I am sure you wouldn’t have judged that so harshly, right? (Poor Will – he was trying so hard and the bitch left him anyway!) Perhaps I should put my tail between my legs like a good woman and slink away without standing up for myself, the boys or what is just and fair.
How would you dictate I do this, Ramona?
As you and I both know, domestic violence is ALWAYS a case of “he said she said” because the abuse happens at home, in the “safety” and “sanctity” of home. Proving abuse is difficult at best.
However, writing a blog is easy. Anyone could do it. I could have started this blog and wrote nothing but lies in it for a year. Evidence in court for me? I think not.
I don’t think a blog the alleged victim writes can be used as evidence in court. There has to be proof beyond a reasonable doubt that Will did what I said he did. The proof can’t be “shady” either.
Even if I had a security camera running in my bedroom the night this happened but Will didn’t know about that camera, then the footage wouldn’t be admitted as evidence. Even if I recorded his voice but he didn’t know I was doing it then the recording wouldn’t be admissible in court. And what could be “shadier” than a blog written by me? There’s no input from Will on this blog. He could say he never knew about it, that it is fiction I wrote to jump start a writing career, that “Ramona Vickers” is not his sister, and that I was writing it in secret so any “evidence” on it should be inadmissible.
And it would be inadmissible.
It doesn’t matter to a judge what I write here. S/He’s looking for PROOF.
What goes on behind closed doors always stays there. Blog or not, any domestic violence charge is just that – a charge until it’s proven (or not).
Me, Will, You and the rest are heavily invested in “this” case. I for one would like to think it is the most important thing going. But to a judge, this case is just one of fifty they’ll hear this week. We aren’t important to them. The judge looks at us through the lens of the law; we’re no more important than the others sitting in the courtroom. I am no different from any other woman alleging domestic violence, and I’ll bet not ALL of the women who allege it are telling the truth and I’ll also bet the judge KNOWS IT. So the judge not only looks at Will, s/he has to look at me.
In a domestic violence case, the “victim” is as much on trial as the “abuser.” Because the domestic violence charge is directly aligned with our divorce, they are at this point inseparable, my blog falls into the category of “shady” evidence.
The only legitimacy this blog receives is the input of Will’s family members. And even you are “alleged”. Maybe I’m paying you to contribute and pretend to be a family member, no?
February 8th, 2010 at 3:09 AM
I like the idea of three sides to every story, too. However, it was written a little differently than you described. I said,
I think that what you perceive actually falls into the “sorting things out” category.
February 23rd, 2010 at 11:13 AM
I am in a similar situation. This post really spoke to me – my husband’s entire family has been conditioned, from several generations back, to attack and turn on each other, and to relieve stress by attacking the weak. His father, mother and sister have all done it to me, repeatedly. I know when (I hope soon) I leave him, they will attack me and discredit me.
I think it is highly likely a sister of an emotional and verbal abuser would behave like this poster. I know nothing of her or you specifically, but after living with someone who sounds very similar to your husband, I would assume their families are also similar.
I am your difficult process of sorting this out and getting on with your life is being made more difficult by whoever this commenter is, and by members of his family. I hope that, when his family reacts like this, it helps to convince you that distance from this is a good thing, if you can get to that point.
February 23rd, 2010 at 11:14 AM
That last part should say “I am SORRY your…”