What would you do with omnipotence?
I am anxious tonight. Actually, I woke up anxious this morning.
I could be anxious about this weekend in general. The boys are spending the night with their father on Saturday. (The original ex parte forbade Will from contacting the boys, but my attorney requested an amendment in court on the 28th to allow visitation.) I am anxious about things I cannot control and never could control – although I thought I had the power to control them.
You see, once upon a time, I believed Will when he said that I made him angry. I made him yell. I made him go into asshole mode. I made him want to hit me. I made him cut me down. I made him use physical force to subdue me. I must have thought I thought I was pretty damn powerful, being able to spin that man around in such a tizzy that he would justify his own behavior by blaming me for it.
There is a flip side of being so omnipotent and powerful. I could make him mean, hateful, vengeful even…but I couldn’t make him love me, I couldn’t make him respect me or be nice to me. What’s the point of being “omnipotent” when your “powers” only work against you?
Fact is, I tried to make him love me for me, and when that didn’t work, I thought he’d love me as his baby’s mother. When that didn’t work, I morphed into the house frau he said he wanted me to be. Along the way, I’ve tried to be his mother, his MawMaw, his aunt; I even tried to be “more like” other people he’d point out to me. I tried to make him love me, and I couldn’t do it.
So why did I buy into the idea that I could make him angry?
I think that believing I could make him feel something was better than acknowledging he would never feel love for me. I thought there was something broken inside me, something that I could fix. I forced myself into fits of depression thinking that there, at the bottom of the pit, I would find the thing that made me so unlovable. Once I found it, I thought I could pluck it out and dispose of it, then rise to the surface of myself to find that he was able to love me.
I do not wonder why I spent so long looking for something that was broken…I know that I wanted a happy marriage, a loving husband, a close family. I wanted what I wanted when I married Will – to be a part of his life, to share myself and my gifts with him believing that we complemented one another and together, we were unstoppable. I wanted this so badly that I stuck around for almost 18 years trying to create it.
I wanted the dream, and until recently, I believed we would have it. The dismantling of the illusion is the most painful part for me. Taking our children to their father for “visitation” is an outward and visible wrecking ball hell bent on destroying our marriage, my dream. I think that’s why I’m anxious.
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February 6th, 2010 at 12:52 PM
As sick and saddened that it makes me, after news of the things that have been happening since your last blog, you have both crossed lines that can be uncrossed. You know what I am talking about.
Like I stated before you are not unintelligent, think about the future in your next moves. By screwing him you are screwing yourself.
February 6th, 2010 at 1:10 PM
You are uninformed.
February 6th, 2010 at 1:35 PM
No Kellie I’m not uninformed, perhaps under informed. What am very informed about, is that “Will” loved you very much. I remember, in the beginning, when he went up against his intire family to defend you. I am well aware of the tie that bind that family together. I listened, on many occasions, to “Will”, talk nothing but praise of you. As different as you two are, he did appreciate so much about you. Your artistic ability, creativity and beauty.
As you know, it does not sound like their is anything left for you there. Get your divorce, and move on. Hopefully, sometime in the future, you will be able to see that he did care. I do know when you are in a situation it is hard to step back see that situation for what it is, and was.
Their is no reason to be anxious, “Will” loves and would never hurt his children. As I’m sure your attorney told you, it is best for the boys to continue a relationship with their father. Weather right or wrong, his anger is with you not them.
February 6th, 2010 at 2:06 PM
You are uninformed about what goes on in Will’s home. He has hurt his children; we have hurt our children. There is no line he won’t cross to “win” even when there is no competition for the winning. Will has always (usually) said very nice things about me to other people. He says that I’m smart, that I’m creative, that I’m pretty, that I’m a good mother, that he wouldn’t be where he is without me. At home, he turns those phrases into how stupid I am, how my interests and creativity are worthless in the real world. My beauty evidently leads him to call me a whore. I’ve never been a good mother at home: I twist the boys thinking, I make them lesser men; and let’s not forget that he got where he is DESPITE of me – my whining and complaining and spending all of “his” money makes it too hard for him to control himself.
It’s a front, what he tells everyone else about me. He’s always telling me to “show” him, not tell him; what he’s shown me is that he hates the very core of who I am. You may think I’m lying, exaggerating, and that is fine. I don’t need you to approve of my truth.
Perhaps, sometime in the future, you will be able to see this situation more fully. I’m not counting on it, and it really doesn’t matter to me if you do see it “fully” or not. I don’t think you are contacting me to hear “my side” or be “objective”. It seems as if you’re attempting to project his “side” onto me. That’s why I said you should stick with Will.
My attorney doesn’t “tell” me anything I don’t already know. The boys are almost grown, they want their dad. I won’t ever deny them him. I hope that Will continues to modify his behavior around the boys. Since coming home in December, he has given them much needed time and attention.
Thank you for giving me permission to move on. I suggest you do the same.
February 6th, 2010 at 2:39 PM
Kellie I’m not giving you permission to do anything. You don’t need it. I’m sorry you took it that way. I am not as elloquint with word as yourself, obviously. I believe that you feel the way you do, and I’m not trying to lessen that in any way. I don’t doubt that his behavior makes you feel that he hates you, all I wanted to remind you was, it wasn’t always that way. He married you and wanted to spend the rest of his life with you, at one time. You were the best thing that happened to him, at one time. He did love you. You did love him. I watched the two of you in love, and it wasn’t fake. I believe you no longer love him, and I believe he no longer loves you. The situation has deteriorated to him lashing out at you in anger, and you responding to him here. Both of you will have to greive the loss of the relationship in your own way. I also know that situations are never as simple as they seem in black and white. What a perfect world it would be if they did, and we don’t live there.
February 6th, 2010 at 2:43 PM
Thank you for saying that. Today is a difficult day.
February 6th, 2010 at 4:55 PM
Kellie,
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Love,
Martha
January 21st, 2012 at 6:36 PM
Kellie, you absolutely nailed it. Coupled with the fact that the church tells you to pray harder and be submissive. That will win him over. You have the power! Yeah right. How about “have you forgiven him” I’m sure you heard that. Makes you feel totally exasperated doesn’t it? Great article!
January 21st, 2012 at 7:50 PM
Oh my! Were you hanging around my house? There’s just no way for outsiders to understand the dynamics. Thank you for writing. Wonderful article!