I saw Will today. He looks good. Softer. I caught him glance at me side-long and I wondered what he was thinking.
Will gave Marc a bag to put in the trunk of my car. It’s going to stay there, unopened. Marc relayed that his dad didn’t have room for whatever is in the bag, and I feel sad that Will is living in a travel trailer. Things will get better for both of us. Right now, there’s a lot of waiting. I keep telling myself to be patient, but I wish I could snap my fingers and make what will be the future become the present.
I thought about how difficult “trading parents” must be for the boys. I wondered if they sensed the finality, and I wondered if they were okay with it, right now, at the moment they removed their bags from my car and transferred them to his truck. I thought of my parent’s divorce and how we never had to see our parents together after they weren’t (I was old enough to drive us back and forth). I remembered standing in the hall of the court house, thinking someone was going to ask me to testify on behalf of one or the other, and I thought about how angry at them I was for having to THINK about choosing. I don’t want my boys to have to choose.
There are aspects of their father and of me that I wish the boys had never been forced to deal with. The fighting, the crying; the tense family time playing Uno. Why couldn’t we ever just have fun? Why was it always so damn HARD?
When things get too much to bear, I force myself to envision the future in as much as it pertains to Will. We will learn to parent apart while remaining consistently together in the discipline and care of our children. We will attend the boys’ graduations from high school and college. We will eat dinner at our kids homes together (if they’ll have us). We’ll attend the births of our grand babies and wait together in one room to see the red little darling pass through on his or her way to the nursery. We’ll spoil those grandkids and go to their birthday parties, kindergarten graduations, see their first new cars. We’ll do all that stuff together, kind of.
Right now, that future is far away. Right now, there’s a lot of waiting. I keep telling myself to be patient, but I wish I could snap my fingers and make what will be the future become the present. But if I did that, then I would miss all of “this”…and “this” (painful as it is) is a necessary evil.