I saw Will today. He looks good. Softer. I caught him glance at me side-long and I wondered what he was thinking.
Will gave Marc a bag to put in the trunk of my car. It’s going to stay there, unopened. Marc relayed that his dad didn’t have room for whatever is in the bag, and I feel sad that Will is living in a travel trailer. Things will get better for both of us. Right now, there’s a lot of waiting. I keep telling myself to be patient, but I wish I could snap my fingers and make what will be the future become the present.
I thought about how difficult “trading parents” must be for the boys. I wondered if they sensed the finality, and I wondered if they were okay with it, right now, at the moment they removed their bags from my car and transferred them to his truck. I thought of my parent’s divorce and how we never had to see our parents together after they weren’t (I was old enough to drive us back and forth). I remembered standing in the hall of the court house, thinking someone was going to ask me to testify on behalf of one or the other, and I thought about how angry at them I was for having to THINK about choosing. I don’t want my boys to have to choose.
There are aspects of their father and of me that I wish the boys had never been forced to deal with. The fighting, the crying; the tense family time playing Uno. Why couldn’t we ever just have fun? Why was it always so damn HARD?
When things get too much to bear, I force myself to envision the future in as much as it pertains to Will. We will learn to parent apart while remaining consistently together in the discipline and care of our children. We will attend the boys’ graduations from high school and college. We will eat dinner at our kids homes together (if they’ll have us). We’ll attend the births of our grand babies and wait together in one room to see the red little darling pass through on his or her way to the nursery. We’ll spoil those grandkids and go to their birthday parties, kindergarten graduations, see their first new cars. We’ll do all that stuff together, kind of.
Right now, that future is far away. Right now, there’s a lot of waiting. I keep telling myself to be patient, but I wish I could snap my fingers and make what will be the future become the present. But if I did that, then I would miss all of “this”…and “this” (painful as it is) is a necessary evil.
The waiting sucks. The boys will be fine.
When I stated, “when you screw him, you are screwing yourself”. I am hoping, you are seeing the full consequences of whats going to happen at your next court date(not for the divorce). Not the immediate, but the long term, and how it will affect you, and your children, not just “Will”.
I invite you to read more of the blog. There is no lack of thinking or considering on my part. I’ve done nothing but ponder our circumstances for over a year, including what I see as best for my boys.
What is best is for them, Will and me to get the help we all need.
Perhaps Will has not heard what I’ve told his father and his friend about these charges when they pressured me because he cannot stand not having control over them. The charges are a heavy weight for him to bear; he will have to bear them until the State of NC dismisses them. Or doesn’t. I know that I don’t want his career ended; I don’t want him to be dishonorably discharged. To limit his income in any way is financial suicide (at least for awhile). Yes, the consequences of being found guilty of “assault on a woman” could be devastating, but he chose to attack me again.
I keep wondering why people seem to think it is somehow my fault that he is in the position he is in. I told him what I would do the next time he put his hands on me; he chose to do it anyway. He must not have believed me. He must have thought that I would be too afraid to “lose” what we’ve worked for to risk involving the law. What he couldn’t comprehend was that “what we’ve worked for” isn’t worth being intimidated and man-handled. It isn’t worth being treated like a bag of shit that you plan to light on fire for someone else to stomp. And I promise you, I’ve laid it out carefully and clearly, in private and at counseling, what he could expect if he put his hands on me one more time. And in counseling, he said he understood.
This is where his patience will be tested. I will appear at every court date knowing that these charges will be continued (not heard) until our attorneys reach an agreement as to how they will attempt to handle them. No matter what our attorneys intentions or my intentions are, it’s up to the judge what happens in the end. There is no office I can go to, no judge I can approach, to drop these charges. If I refuse to go to court, it could be interpreted in a way that would severely harm the boys and me.
Keeping money from me, sending veiled messages through friends and family, insinuating adultery and, in general, attempting to keep me under his thumb is NOT going to result in a speedy end to the very serious charges laid in front of him.
The ball is in his court. I’m sure his divorce attorney will contact mine very soon.
Nowhere in what I wrote assigns blame to you or him, and I am trying extremely carefull not to do so. I remind you that I care about you both. Your escape plan put you in a somewhat comfortable situation as far a money is concerned. But that will change if “Will” is dishonorably dicharged. I understand that their is no person or institution you can talk to to change the charges. But what are you going to do when “Will” has no income. If he has no income, he can’t pay child support, which he will pay otherwise until the boys get out of collage if they choose to go. The Armed
Forces will see to it that. Because he is in the Armed Forces, you guys are leagally residence of Texas, there is no allimony, only community property falls into play. If what you have already taken from the accounts is less than half you’ll be OK for now. But how long will that last. Texas also has one of the most conservative child custody systems in place. Another words, unless you are a “prostitute, turning tricks for a fix”, which I know your not, Mother gets primary custody of the children.
The current charges don’t have to have anything to do with the divorce, unless you plan on making them. Actually, the ball is in your court. I’m pretty sure, weather true or not, “Will” is feeling betrayed by you taking the money. I am not saying you were wrong to do so, I’m trying to make suggestions which will bring about the best resolution of the situation for everyone involved.