I Left Twice
On January 22, I wrote My Heart is Failing. I’d been sitting here at my desk, writing in fear, for awhile at that point. But something about that post helped me to remember: It is NOT okay or reasonable for me to stay in a place in which I am afraid only because the one who I am afraid of once promised to love, honor and cherish me. He promised that he would, once, almost 18 years ago; the time between then in now is full of proof that he didn’t mean it.
Later that night in a voicemail, he called me a traitor and told me to never come back. And I thought, “I am the traitor?!”
But I’m a bit ahead of myself. After I finished the blog post, I realized that the feelings I was feeling (anxiety, angst, fear) were my CUE to get the hell out of here. I logged off my password protected computer, walked past him and down the hall to our bedroom. I put on my boots, my coat, and grabbed a small blanket.
I came back out and he said, “Are you going somewhere?” to which I responded, “Yes. I’ll be back when I feel safer,” then grabbed my purse and left.
I drove to a safe place, previously scouted, and parked the car. I shook out the tension from my hands and shoulders as best I could and let a tear or two fall. He had been calling my phone, but I’d been letting it go to voicemail. I decided that I didn’t want to hear that phone ring, so I called my sister and we talked for almost two hours.
We talked about what was happening, and later, we talked about my hopes for the future (getting paid to write – dare I say I wanna be an author?) and our kids and our mom and her idea to prepare a hypnosis session for me. Eventually, my caller ID stopped showing his calls. I waited another 45 minutes or so, and thinking he’d finally passed out on the couch from drinking all night, I decided to go home and go to bed. He probably would pretend to not even remember what had happened tonight, I thought.
When I pulled up in the drive, everything looked normal. Living room light and tv were on, I didn’t see Will roaming about the house snapping his belt; I thought he was asleep. It was about 2AM.
I unlocked the side door in the dark and pushed it, stepping inside. Suddenly, as if he’d somehow shot up from out of the floor, Will was there. He opened the door, but stood in my way. He said, “Give me your keys and drivers license and get out.” I figured he meant to give him all EXCEPT my keys and drivers license, but he was drunk and smelled like he’d bathed in Jim Beam while I was gone.
In a perfect world, with a perfect emergency plan, I would have turned away with ALL of my things and left for a hotel. But that isn’t what happened. I didn’t have a bag in the car, he had scared me with his appearance and tone of voice, and I didn’t think too clearly. Funny thing about emergencies – they don’t happen when you’re expecting them, and even if you are expecting “something” you’re never expecting the worst something possible.
Out of habit, I put my purse in its spot by the door while sidestepping the man blocking my way. (He would later claim to the police that I “shoulder bumped” him.)
I walked to my room as quickly and quietly as I could.
Will began yelling. He said that he had already woke the boys to tell them that I had abandoned them to go “f*ck a n!gg#r” and wasn’t living here anymore. He added with greater volume, “Even a WHORE doesn’t abandon her children!” and I heard his footsteps getting closer.
I locked the bedroom door behind me. I went to the bathroom to pee. Will hit the bedroom door and said, “Unlock this f*cking door or I’m gonna kick it in!” I said, “If you kick in that door, I’m calling the cops,” and it came out of my mouth more calmly than I thought it would. I exited the bathroom to him exclaiming that I had better get away from the door because he was going to kick it in.
As I listened to his threats and obscenities, I repeated what I would do if he kicked in the door.
I heard him walk away, his shadow disappeared from under the door. He was yelling something, I figured the boys were awake by now (I hadn’t seen them when I’d come home). I pushed my dresser in front of the door, realizing it wasn’t strong or big enough to keep him out forever but could buy me some time.
Part of me thought he wouldn’t be back, that he would carry on his rant in the other rooms and not try to come in the bedroom. He kept telling me to leave his house, reminding me that it was, in fact, HIS house because he’d paid for it and everything in it. That the boys were his too – they didn’t deserve a whore for a mother and he was taking them from me.
It got quiet for a few seconds. I contemplated whether I should pack a bag or if I should crawl into bed and pretend nothing was happening (or rather, pretend that nothing could happen).
His shadow reappeared in front of the door, I heard the tickling sound of metal on metal as he unlocked the door. Later, I noticed that the doorknob had been changed. I had installed a doorknob that needed a key (like the one on my keyring) to open it. I wonder when he changed that knob to one you could pick open with a hair pin? I wonder why he changed it without telling me?
He was surprised to find something behind the door. More yelling. He was pushing the door open, the dresser was pressing into the wall behind the door. There’s now a hole in the wall where the top edge of the dresser cut into it. I turned to the window, unlocked it, tried to raise it. The damn window was freaking STUCK. It wouldn’t budge. I was looking around for something to break the glass when the door opened a crack and I saw his red face smirking at me.
He forcefully hit the door with his shoulder repeatedly to gain entry to the room, to make a crack between the door and the frame. He didn’t take his eyes off of me as he squeezed through the crack. The door was pressing back against him and I remember hoping the doorknob would snap back and hit him in the balls. I had no where to go. I couldn’t think.
He was yelling at me to leave, to get out; I wasn’t welcomed here because I was a whore and a traitor and, yes, unappreciative of all he’d done for me.
When he finally made it into the room, I tried to go to the door. He was telling me to get out, and I wanted to get out. But when I moved toward the door, he pushed me on my chest. Hard enough that I lost my footing and fell backward onto the bed. My fear and the bouncy mattress put me back on my feet. I sidestepped him once, trying to get to the door, saying, “Then let me leave!”
As he grabbed my arms and shook me, he said, “NO! It’s too late for that!” My head snapped back on the shake before he pushed me backwards again. I didn’t fall this time. He had turned his back to me for some reason. I called out to Marc to bring me my phone (I couldn’t see how the kids could be sleeping still) and Will glanced at me over his shoulder before throwing out his arm and hitting me across the throat.
I coughed, got my voice back, started yelling for Marc to bring me my phone or call the police. Will said, “Why are you going to bother calling them? You ain’t gonna have no marks that show!” and he did a weird little spinny dance with his hands in the air – “You have no proof!”
“There’s a hole in the wall!” I said. “What? That hole?” he replied, “That has been there for months!”
Then, and this is possibly the worst part of the entire night, Marc finally poked his head through the crack in in the door and said, “MOM STOP!”
Yes, he said, “Mom stop!” Then Marc said, “If you respect me at all, you’ll just leave!”
I was hurt, but I remembered that Will had woke them up to tell them lies. I said, “He put his hands on me!” and Marc stared at me blankly. I looked at Will. Will stood there with his arms crossed, smiling at his son. Will was pleased, very pleased, and he certainly wasn’t going to touch me in front of Marc. I said, “Fine, Marc, I’ll leave, but you have to get out of the way so I can get out of here.”
Marc moved, I squeezed through the crack, went straight for my phone and called the police. I stayed on the line with the 911 operator until the police got there. At one point, Will had flipped out his knife to OPEN A PIECE OF GUM. He flipped it out twice while looking at ME, not at the gum.
After the cops got there, Will was handcuffed as a restraint. He was belligerent and ugly with the policeman. As the handcuffs snapped into place, I begged Marc to please go to his brother’s room (he hadn’t listened to me before) and he did.
Bottom line, there were no marks on me at this time. Therefore, the cops couldn’t remove Will from the home. I knew I didn’t want to be there with him after the cops left, so I packed my bag and went with them. Will was pleased. He thought they were forcing me to go.
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February 5th, 2010 at 12:21 AM
I am sorry this has been your life. I am so sorry.
Your last post about emergency plans really hit home with me. I do not have family support that I think I can trust 100%. That is part of why I am still where I am. But your last post made me realize I need an even more serious plan than I already have.
I would like to think that my H would have more self restraint. But he has been almost as contemptuous and he does not even drink. Thinking back on one of our last arguments and him saying “dont try to make me hit you” – I realize how fine that line is and how easy it would be for him to cross it.
Right now he tells me he is trying and wants me to stay because I am “wonderful” – I dont have anywhere to go so, I am trying too. This is Dr Jekyll. But already I see cracks in the control and self restraint. And I wonder what would happen if he lost his job, how would he treat me then? or if he mistook something I said as “starting that shit again” .
I am not fooled enough to think that everything really will be OK. I am not even hopeful. I am buying time.
I hope your kids feel safe soon. I would not take Marc’s defense of his father as any indication of his feelings for you or even his belief in what his dad had said about you. Watching your father beat your mother is sure to raise a self protective instinct. I am sure he did not know what to do. If he helped you, the anger and hate would have been turned on him. He is just a kid after all.
I hope peace is with you and you are well.
February 5th, 2010 at 12:54 AM
My heart was in my throat reading that. My God. I see my husband in some of that too, like quietone, and he also doesn’t drink. I’m so glad you’re in a more peaceful spot now.
February 5th, 2010 at 2:04 PM
This is a scary story. I watched your video and you stated that couples councelling did not work for you. You stated that your spouse was charming and manipulated the therapist. Why do you think there is a degree required? Therapists are trained to wade through the manipulative garbage of both parties and form an objective opinion. It is NOT PERSONAL
February 5th, 2010 at 2:22 PM
It is their job. Having experienced an abusive relationship myself, I can tell you, that if you do not look at yourself, no amount of blame will make you healthy or happy.
As far as your blogs, why not just use your true name. We all know who you are.(You posted your picture) It makes you seem manipulative to those who actually know anything about the situation.
As far as people who know you not believing that “Will” could be verbally abusive, you are dead wrong. He will be the first person to say he is an ___hole. He has not changed since you met him. He is the same person and you know just how to push his buttons, you always have.
If you want your marriage go back to the therapist and listen to what they are truly saying, do not just walk away because it is not what you wat to hear. It’s the hardest thing you will ever do!!!
Someone who loves you!
February 5th, 2010 at 5:13 PM
Yes. Therapists do wade through manipulative garbage when there is more than two sessions. It’s funny that as soon as there’s a “break in the case” how quickly one party refuses to return.
February 5th, 2010 at 5:35 PM
And you are? I don’t know a “Ramona Vickers”. “We” are, I suppose, Will’s family?
Being an asshole is not an excuse for abusing your wife or children – or anyone.
Is this blog manipulative? Well, opinions are like Will…everyone’s got one.
If you have been in an abusive situation, then I suggest counseling for you. It has been invaluable for me, and has helped me open my eyes to so many things I once ignored and thought were “normal”. I think it’s highly judgmental for you to tell me I haven’t listened to what the therapist(s) were truly saying. So far as I know, Will and I were the only ones there, and we never visited a therapist named Ramona Vickers.
In addition, there is a really good book on “How to Keep People from Pushing Your Buttons” by Albert Ellis and Arthur Lange. Perhaps you could recommend it to Will – he wouldn’t read or acknowledge any of the literature I proposed to him.
There’s another great book called “Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” by Lundy Bancroft. If you look on page 61, question number 4 reads, “Why does he say that I am the one abusing him?” I think you’ll find the answer informative. Also, page 68, question number 5 reads, “How Come Everyone Else Thinks He’s Wonderful?” and the answer there will describe how he’s manipulated you into believing his lies, distortions and confabulations.
Because you said that you were in an abusive situation in the past, I wonder if you have received the proper counseling and education to guard against it in the future. Whatever you’ve done to help yourself is apparently fruitless to protect you from further abuse from members of your own family (or friend).
Thank you for posting, I’ll continue to publish your comments. You are giving me much needed reminders of why I am leaving Will, in addition to subject matter for future posts.
Sincerely,
Kellie Jo (You Know Who)
February 5th, 2010 at 6:20 PM
Double thumbs up for Kellie Jo!!
February 6th, 2010 at 9:02 AM
This comment goes out to Ramona Vickers. All I can say is that if you think Kellie is in the wrong, and her husband is right, YOU HAVE BLINDERS ON.
There is a HUGE difference between being an asshole, and being abusive. If you have been in an abusive relationship, like you said you have been, then you would know this.
I am assuming you already know my phone number. PLEASE call! I would LOVE to hear what you have to say to me. To the sister of the woman you are bashing. To the sister of the woman I watched, for 18 years, get verbally abused. I would love to hear from you so you can tell the sister of this abused woman that watching her decline over the years was at her own doing.
Don’t bother replying to this post. Call me.
You OBVIOUSLY don’t have a CLUE.
(And while Kellie didn’t tell you, I will. She didn’t use her real last name because her husband requested she didn’t.)
Like I said before – take your blinders off. There is SO MUCH MORE that went on in that marriage that you have NO idea about. I didn’t just hear about it – I witnessed it.
February 6th, 2010 at 1:09 PM
No blinders here Erin. I am being as objective as possible. I really do care about your sister. As for you Kellie, We, is everyone who reads this stuff you post. “Will’s” family included. You do not know me as a therapist, you know me from life. And as having been in an abusive relationship, I have been in councelling and it has been very life changing for me. I learned there that their is not always a blame sticker to put on things that happen. I have also learned to take responsibility for my part in things, in order to move forward. I did not mean to sound accusing or judgemental, especially not manipulative. Obviously I did judging by your response. As someone who loves both you, “Will” and the boys, it is extremely difficult to watch.
February 6th, 2010 at 1:11 PM
So, don’t watch. You can turn off this channel anytime you please, Ramona. Stick with Will. He needs you.
February 6th, 2010 at 1:38 PM
I refuse to “stick” with either of you. I love you both and for that reason I can’t just turn away.
February 7th, 2010 at 12:30 PM
RV~
I realize that each of us have our own opinions & are entitled to such, I would like to offer mine. Please keep in mind that the following is only an expression of my opinion, not intended for any other purpose.
RV says:
“no amount of blame will make you happy or healthy”… This is VERY true. For EVERYONE of us. However, there is also “accountability” and “emotional maturity” that EACH of us need to develop to be well adjusted members of society. In your words, it “appears” you yourself assume that Kellie~Jo blames her spouse. I have been a reader of her blog for some time now, and although I won’t say there has “never’ been a “hint” of blame in any of her written words, I will say I have never picked up on any implication of that in her word’s. I see/hear the words of a woman who has deeply loved a man and who has tried for many years to do what is right, in the name of that love. She writes her experience, her feelings, her emotions, and does so with an eloquence of a gifted writer. What “may” be perceived as blame in Kellie’s writing perhaps is her documentation of real time events. This is actuality, not blame. Blame is when one holds another person accountable for the actions that they themselves do! She also acknowledges her emotions over the events, not laying blame.
RV says,
“As far as your blogs, why not just use your true name. We all know who you are.(You posted your picture) It makes you seem manipulative to those who actually know anything about the situation.”
In this comment, I sense an attack on this blogger, which would have been perhaps better suited to a private email, or perhaps as Erin says below a phone call, even better, why make a moot point? It is “personal” why Kellie chose not to do or do anything, not an act for others to judge, or imply she is wrong. You state it makes her “seem manipulative”, this is Kellie’s work, her choice, her decisions, and I apologize for not being able to see how any of the above situation implies “she” is manipulative. I do sense however a direct manipulation in your words, “telling” her to use her own name, etc. It is a moot point that you in your words have used as a direct dig to this blogger. If you “love” as you say you do, then you would chose to come here with RESPECT for this woman, who she is, and her experience. And HONOR such. Blogs are not intended for a “judging”, they are intended as a sharing, healing, & educating experience.
RV says,
“As far as people who know you not believing that “Will” could be verbally abusive, you are dead wrong. He will be the first person to say he is an ___hole. He has not changed since you met him. He is the same person and you know just how to push his buttons, you always have.”
I am personally VERY concerned about this statement. I ask, are you implying that Kellie is to blame for all of her spouse’s actions because he was an ass when she met him? That she should thereby just “put up” & “shut up”? That because she wants to experience happiness and love, she then needs to tolerate acts of intimidation and coercion? Most of us who have experienced these situations are well aware of the devastating effects upon the psyche. I see a sincere demonstration on Kellie’s part to try to achieve these goals with the man who had come into her life, at the sacrifice of her being who she is. How does either one of the TWO people personally involved in this dynamic heal by doing so? What is it that you have learned in therapy? This statement is not helpful to either one of these people, only enabling the behaviors that need to be resolved (to continue). I also see the implication that Kellie “knows” how to push her spouse’s buttons, that may very well be true, but in healing, the one who “owns” those “pushed” buttons NEEDS to learn how to respond APPROPRIATLY. This is the road to healing for those intimately involved in the situation. The road to emotional maturity. A concept that we all must grasp is the fact that no one else is responsible, nor can make us feel or “act” the way we do. It is a choice each and everyone of us have. Free choice. Our behaviors (our reactions) are our own choices. With that said, we are human and certainly not perfect, and yes, each of us will fail now and then. But for one to go through life continuing (and validating by blame) the same negative behaviors, full of “excuses” does nothing to heal, or improve any situation. It is only stagnant. Would it not be the desire of all of us for healing to occur, and for those we love to grow (in love)? In this life, we all are “tested” and placed in situations in life sometimes so profound that we “get” the “wake-up” call being sent. We cannot claim ignorance or be held blameless. We must be accountable and acknowledge what is before us, within us, and work on our own growth.
Also, if Will indeed admits he is an ass, does he not then admit that he has issues to work on? Or is his ego so inflated that he can only blame others and feels it unnecessary to work on himself? If so, what is there that anyone ELSE but he himself can do to heal?
I live with just such a person, in my working on my own issues, I realize those issues are his to work on, there is nothing I can do, except to provide support, he has to want it.
RV says:
If you want your marriage go back to the therapist and listen to what they are truly saying, do not just walk away because it is not what you want to hear. It’s the hardest thing you will ever do!!!
If one “reads” Kellie’s blogs, it is quite clear that she has made quite an extensive effort to work things out between her and her husband. She has attended therapy, she has searched for knowledge, she has tried to communicate with her spouse. She has learned, she has admitted that there are things in her life she needs to work on, and has gotten busy with it. She has made positive progress. She admits there is more for her to learn. A marriage involves “two” people, therefore it TAKES two people to work on the marriage, otherwise it is destined to fail. I have yet to see any therapists who thinks otherwise. In therapy and counselors in general, there are those who specialize and are good at certain issues. There are those who are generally inexperienced in certain areas. Some will admit this, some do not see and are in denial, or for whatever reason attempt to do the best they can. This attitude can cause more harm than any good. It is recommended time and again to seek other counsel when what one has tried appears to be ineffectual. This will involve at times a bit of intuition of those experiencing the situation. We all need to acknowledge, respect, and listen to our intuition. How can you or I say what took place, we can only offer our opinion based on what has been shared with us. I hope that if you “love” both of these people, you will also discuss your concerns with the other party personally involved, express your concern that they too need to work on their own issues. And also work on your own issues so that when you speak, it is with love, compassion, hope, and empathy for the one you are speaking too. Blame has no place in love.
RV says:
Someone who loves you!
Demonstrate the love you claim, by respecting the experience of both individuals, avoiding blaming statements, providing genuine support, setting a loving positive example, allowing both to heal in the way that is best for them, and giving them the space to work on this without negative interference.
I apologize if in any of my words I have “appeared” to be pointing a finger. That is not my intention. You are only responsible for your actions and it was my goal to point out the hurtfulness of your written words here. I really felt it necessary for me to address what I felt and perceived in your words, for the way they made me feel (negative), and I am concerned as to how they were hurtful to the intended recipient of those words. I am not sure what your true intentions were, but from what I “feel” when I read your words I sense it was not a positive thing.
I appreciate Kellie’s blog, I find it very helpful in my own experience, she often writes the emotions I forget or block out in my own journey. Her writing helps to validate my own emotions and experience, and it is most helpful to experience another’s journey, not out of enjoyment of their misery, but to help one clarify the dynamics going on in their own life. Living with a person who is “weak-minded” and thereby abusive is a very difficult experience that those of us who have lived it know all to well. If you have indeed lived this experience, then perhaps there would be far more compassionate and understanding in your writing.
I deeply respect Kellie’s strength, courage, and determination. She is one who just keeps on trying and does not give up. She is an all giving, all loving, compassionate, and forgiving person. I am one who is thankful she is who she is. How do I know this about her? She shares that here, in her written word.
Kellie is responsible for her own healing, her husband is responsible for his. They are responsible to each other for the injustice they have inflicted upon each other, and for forgiving those of one another. Effort needs to be exercised by the two of them.
Kellie, thank you.