Am I happy he is gone?
I’ve had a long day. I haven’t experienced and emotional upheavals, and the doubts and fears seem to be at bay. I’m feeling really good.
But I noticed something weird. There is a lot of time to fill when there is no anxiety. Or at least, no anxiety dependent on another person’s actions.
Here’s a list of some of the things I did not feel anxious about today:
- Did I remember to pack his lunch last night? Did he go to work without it? I hope he had socks that were acceptable to wear – he must have because I didn’t hear any drawers slamming this morning.
- Is the house presentable? Will the other things I’ve done today excuse the dirt on the floor and the unwashed dishes?
- Did what I do today need to be kept under wraps or should I remind him that I went to the Woman’s Club meeting? Is what I purchased at the store on the way home “needed” or “wasteful” and do I tell him about it or let it appear like magic from the toiletry closet?
- Did I sit on my ass too long after I got home? Should I have been able to clean and wash clothes and pick up after the kids and clean the litter boxes and … ? Is he going to look around tonight with that look on his face? Is he going to say something to me before or after he starts drinking?
- Is he going to come home already smelling like alcohol?
- The report cards are due. I need to see them before he does so I know how he’ll react.
- Is he going to mutter about having chicken for dinner again after we take our separate rooms? I’d really like to watch Medium tonight, but I don’t want to sit in there with him – he thinks my shows are stupid. Maybe I can write without him getting mad that I’m writing. It depends.
- He didn’t ask me how I was or give me a hug when he got home. Does that mean something?
- He’s putting some ice in that glass. I wish he weren’t having another drink.
- He is in there talking to the air in reference to me. Should I acknowledge that he’s speaking to me (when he really isn’t) or do I pretend I don’t hear?
- Now he’s talking about me to Marc without saying he’s talking about me. He’s talking about women in general but picking my faults to complain about. Do I say something? How much has he drunk already? I almost wish he were drunk so I could more easily pretend his words are unintentional.
- He’s quiet. What time is it? Let me go see if he fell asleep on the couch.
- Should I wake him up to go to bed? Will he be madder that I woke him up or that he woke up on the couch tomorrow morning? Will he try to continue the conversation with the air if I wake him up?
- Is it okay to lie next to him or should I keep my distance. Maybe I can put my feet on him…I can pretend to be close.
You tell me…Am I happy he is gone?
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February 1st, 2010 at 4:43 AM
Yes i think your happy lol, one time my ex came home and first thing he did was take his finger rub it over the dada and held it up to me showing me the dust hahaha then he ran his finger across the top of the door like im only small and dont usually dust up there and made a point of holding his dusty finger up to me again lol, i wanted to scream are u f**king crazy, if its so important get a cloth and do it yourself what an imbecile im am so rid of that looser.
February 1st, 2010 at 8:35 AM
Id say you must feel a huge sense of relief now that you have some peace in your life. You made a brave move and good on you girl. Stay strong and keep safe.
February 1st, 2010 at 9:34 AM
Ummmmmmm… I say that you are…
HAPPY!
Woo Hoo! When is the last time you felt such peace? I am so, so, so, so, so glad for you, Kellie!
February 1st, 2010 at 10:44 AM
Hi Kellie,
Oh my days…. I am so happy for you, but I doubt you are the happy bunny of all your up and coming tomorrows. Just as you, yourself have acknowledged you have to sort out what you are going to fill your mind with. It’s like being lost and up until now every corner you have turned has been met with a violence of one sort or another, or all sorts together. Now, this next corner your turning, you are met with space and time, and most importantly (and somewhat scarily) yourself. These, unless you know EXACTLY who you are can be frightening and (key word coming up) unfamiliar. We tend to fall back into familiar territory, if it presents itself. So watch out. Be present (yourself) in every moment. Enjoy and practice the stillness of a moment. Just be. For you, I think, this will take some doing. You’re life has existed on a knife edge, so I think you will have to accept that some hard work is ahead, but enjoy it, because every day, in this vein, will get easier and easier.
Are you happy he is gone? I think you may feel relief, but you may also feel grief too. That would be perfectly natural, I think, although some may think not.
Thinking of you loads and sending love across the pond. xxx
February 1st, 2010 at 10:45 AM
Oh man Kellie, the anxiety that I felt just reading that…
Unfortunately you cannot change the other person who creates that atmosphere until they see what they do and change.
You may feel sad at times at the loss of “a relationship that was full of dreams” BUT…a relationship that eats away at your very soul is not what anyone really wants.
You sound like your happy about what is not going on around you right now and don’t you dare feel guilty for feeling happy. I bet your house feels so calm.
Thinking of you.
February 1st, 2010 at 1:13 PM
Kim, you’re right about the bunny bit. Yes, I am sad about many things (my marriage is OVER for goodness sakes!). I am happy that he’s not in my presence now. But underneath the conflicting emotions is something unfamiliar…it’s the budding of joy, the emergence of freedom that I took back from someone else after I had given it away to him.
Joy is replacing the fear I carry in my heart, slowly perhaps, but it is there and I will allow it to grow.
February 1st, 2010 at 5:37 PM
Oh I love the budding of joy and the emergence of freedom. I am excited to see what goodness is coming your way brave girl!
I think that even when sadness or grief settles in here and there, you have to remember that the grief is for what you WISH your marriage had been. Not for what it really was. And I think that since you got two beautiful boys out of it, there is no reason to regret what was. At the same time, there is every reason to celebrate what will be.
Only the best for you as you move forward!