Red to Blue
My emotions are whirling. I feel victimized and angry about temporary injustices. Then I’m sad. Then I’m impatient. Then my stomach is sour. I suppose my stomach being sour isn’t an emotion, but I seem to feel it like one.
It is tough to associate with people who have no business knowing anything at all question my actions instead of questioning their assumptions. It’s tougher to not explain myself. My explanations don’t match their assumptions, and they think I’m lying. I am done explaining myself to anyone but my attorney, but I really doubt I’ll have to explain much to her.
Funny thing about healthy people is that they recognize abuse for what it is, and actions resulting from it as defensive posturing, not offensive manipulation.
If I could wish one thing for myself tonight, I would wish that I didn’t give a damn what anyone else said about or to me. I would realize that my inner knowing and strength is ALL I need, and that seeking to convince anyone of my position is wasteful of my time and energy. The ones I most desire to convince are the ones that will never be convinced; it is time to let them go.
My motives for convincing these same people are questionable, at best. What would I gain from convincing them their friend/kid/brother/soldier was less than what they assume him to be? Vindication. And I’m not after vindication. I’m after peace. It’s time to stop trying to garner validation and understanding from people who will never give it.
I think I wish I’d had a little more time to prepare myself, to get myself to a healthier place. But then, alongside that thought comes the realization that me being healthier, reacting in healthier ways toward the abuse, is exactly what threatened him the most.
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January 30th, 2010 at 1:27 PM
I thought of you when I heard this song this morning. http://new.music.yahoo.com/melinda-schneider/tracks/courageous–180418119
January 30th, 2010 at 1:32 PM
Well it says that link doesnt work! Bummer. Google Courageous by Melinda Schneider to have a listen.
January 31st, 2010 at 2:43 AM
Once again I disagree that you are not in the healthy place you want to be. Women (and men) go entire lives and never stop seeking validation from others. They are crippled by their need of approval and never even see the pitfall.
I have been through some of what you have experienced myself and I used to try to talk to my mother about it.
It frustrated me that she would never say “oh my poor girl! It’s awful that you are going through this. Your husband is rotten for treating you this way.”
I wanted to hear those words so much!
But one day I confronted her and asked her, why, if you love me, do you not give me your passion. Actually I said “Have you no passion for your children?”
She confessed to me then that her mother was so controlling and demanding that she never wanted to visit her mother upon me. She said she with held her opinions and comments because she wanted me to validate myself.
It took me many weeks to understand what she was asking of me. But I finally understood that she wanted me to see my opinions and judgments as the most important thing. She did not want me to rely on her for validation and approval.
Her methods were harsh but I finally understood that she was trying to give me the gift of breaking the abuse cycle. As much as I hated her methods, she was trying to give me a wonderful gift.
I hope you can see the resistance around you in that light. Its hard and harsh, but it is a gift.
gawd – that sounded like a lot of tripe. But I did find it to be true. I have appreciated my mother more ever since.
January 31st, 2010 at 7:39 PM
Thank you, Tiffany. The song is making me cry. I guess that being courageous means that sometimes you have to cry; I’m okay with that.
Every step is the same
Whether in the sunshine or in the rain
If you can hold on even through the pain
Show up tomorrow do it all again
Show up tomorrow do it all again
You’ll have better luck, better luck
You are you are courageous
Walk on Walk on
These are the times can make us courageous and strong
There’s a bigger plan that’s what they say
But you’ve still got to make it through today
You may be feeling scared want to run away
But if you choose to look fear in the face
If you choose to look fear in the face
You’ll have better luck, better luck
You are you are courageous
Walk on Walk on
These are the times can make us courageous and strong
Life is hard, that’s how it goes
You’ve come this far, you’ve got to know that
You are you are courageous
Walk on Walk on
These are the times can make us courageous and strong
Here’s a link to a youtube video with Melinda Schneider and Olivia Newton John: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_DbCu1z4e7c