My Verbally Abusive Marriage

It sucks not being able to tell you everything. I wish I could live this part of my experience online, but for various reasons, I cannot.

I can tell you that although I find myself crying at times, I also find myself laughing at times. And even though my oldest son is livid with me, there is a peace in this house that was not here before.

Perhaps the peace in the house is the peace I feel within, too.

Although I hate the events that brought me to today, I wish they had not happened, in some very real ways, they had to happen. I had to see that he meant it when he said, “I am not going to change.” He has thoroughly convinced me.

He will not change.

And if he will not change, will not examine himself to extricate his own demons, but continue demonizing me in their place, then he will continue to contribute to the hellish environment we both have been experiencing. He might be telling himself that this is the world I created, that the events that happened were the result of something I did; or he might be coming to terms with the reality of our situation. I cannot know what he is thinking, and I have to remind myself of that 20 times a day.

I also cannot know, nor do I want to know, what he is doing, what he is saying about me, what he could be plotting. The longer I think of the darkest side I’ve seen of him, the more frightened I become. I know that living in fear results in not living (I’ve been doing it long enough to know), so I refuse to let my fear control my thoughts and actions. I am as prepared as I can be, and that will have to be enough.

I’m also aware of the duality of his personality. I know that there will be a time when he comes to me softly. I don’t know what he may request of me at that time – perhaps it will be to tell me goodbye – but it will happen, and I know that even then, I cannot let my guard down. His darker side is too real, and his softer side too infrequent, for that delicate moment to carry further than the time I’m face to face with him, hearing him say those things (whatever they will be).

I already miss some of the kind times we’ve had together. Our first kisses, our first laughs, the births of our children. Even so, those things are memories and will always be memories at this point – they could never happen again. It has been so very long since we’ve had any kind times together, so wishing for them so I would have one last good memory with the man I’ve loved through it all is pointless. What we have is what we have, and it will be enough.

Besides, even though apart, we still get to watch our sons grow and fall in love. We still get to be grandparents, and there will be joy in the upcoming days, separate as we will be.

The way I see it, in a future not too far away, I will see more of the goodness of Will in the rest of my days than I will see the darker bits of him. There won’t be the opportunity to see the bad because if the darkness pops out of him, I will leave wherever he is and go to my own peaceful home and be thankful that, although alone, I am safe, content, and prosperous.

Possibly Related Posts:

1. Secrets
2. Why I’m Staying
3. My Husband’s Advice
4. Looking for the Enemy
5. Fake Name True Story

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