My Verbally Abusive Marriage

Hello everyone, Susan has written a second testimonial, this time detailing some of the comments she’s heard from her abuser. Every abuse situation is different, so I am using the space to list these verbally abusive comments Susan has heard. Some I hear, some I don’t. Some I’ve heard and didn’t consider abuse, but I see that they are abusive and blame my conditioning for my inability to “hear” them as such.  Susan’s list also shows and how racism and stereotypes serve the abuser. Personally, I believe that many abusers are also racist and sexist, although I haven’t seen any studies on it. [sigh.]

Here is Susan’s testimonial of abuse, Part II:

I have written another testimonial before previously. In this testimonial I just want to write down all the things my verbal/emotional abuser has done or said to me.  I am doing this for two reasons…

One, is that I realize that when I am in the midst of the emotional abuse, I have found my head to be in this “Mental Fog” and I at times couldn’t even think straight to know what what real or true anymore.  If I heard someone else say that maybe their spouse or significant other would call them a “Bitch” or something then it sounded terrible and my advice to them would be to get out or get help for their relationship if they were married.

But, when it was happening to me with my boyfriend, I felt I was almost brainwashed or manipulated to believe it was my fault or almost that it wasn’t really happening and couldn’t see “Reality.”  So therefore, I am wanting to write down some of the things that have been said and done so if there are others out there who are going through the same experience that I have, then maybe you can read some of the things that have been said or done and actually SEE THAT IT IS ABUSE.

My second reason for sharing is that I need to vent and be true to what this abuse has done to me and I am having a really hard time right now with the healing process.

I am trying to leave my abuser right now and my head is like it is in this mental fog and  I know I should never call or contact him again and maybe for the first time instead of “Trying to have the last word”…that maybe my last word should just be “Silence”.  That maybe “Silence” to him will say more than any word could ever say to him…because he knows that would NOT be me.  So, I am needing to be TRUE to me and my experience and I am sorting through things…so I appreciate you letting me share.  So here I go and I am with hopes that maybe it will help at least one person who reads this:

Some of the things my verbal/emotional abuser has said to me:

• Idiot
• Crazy Bitch
• Whore
• Crazy
• Stupid
• Psycho
• Why don’t you leave, have your geriatric dog leave too and I hope he falls dead.
• Go suck a c—.
• You were just a good f—.
• Would you like to suck my c— one more time?
• Go sit in the corner and put a hat on it where you belong (Like I was a dunce or something)
• It is None of your f—ing business.
• Why don’t you f–ing leave or get the f— out of my house.
• Shut up
• I don’t care about your feelings
• Yes, why don’t you stuff your feelings inside.
• Yes, I am going to leave you hanging (Referring to leaving me hanging on making New Years plans when he was supposed to have gotten back in touch with me two days prior).
• You only have $5.00 in your bank account. (When I lost my financial resources due to a medical situation and lost my career).
• At least I have a job (When I lost my career due to a medical situation).
• Yes, you do have a nice ass, but so did the girls ass that I checked out and the girls on the porn film.
• Told me the church that I liked that he went to with me as well as some of my career interests were “Fluffy’”.
• When I gave him a Christmas gift he said, “Shit” and sighed when he grabbed the box to open it.
• When I gave him the second Christmas gift on another day, it was a Christian book with the author on the front cover and instead of saying “Thank you” he said, “I wonder what kind of skeleton is in this guys closet?”
• Referred to his ex-wife as a “Heartless Ho”.
• Would say “Woman” a lot in a sarcastic tone or demeaning tone, not bringing woman up in the best light.
• Lied to me 30 minutes after we had sex that he did not have porn on his computer, then I saw something on his computer 1-2 minutes after that and he then lies to me again and says, “I don’t know how it got there”..when he was the only user.  Then lied about the content of what he watched.  He lied 3 times in less than 5 minutes to me…30 minutes after I shared the most intimate bond with him.
• Said, “Yes I ejaculated on you.”
• When in an argument, he yanked me out of the car and left me in front of this strangers house and did NOT return back to get me and left me with no resources as my cell phone, purse and other was still in his car.
• Knew that he didn’t respectfully give me enough notice that he wasn’t going to make it for New Years and tells me 2 days before New Years he won’t make it.  Then doesn’t care I am bringing it in alone and then says, “Isn’t there other guys who were interested in you, that you could go out with?-Knows the meaning and value that I tie with having sex and has sex with me and 6 hours later tells me that he wants to break up and breaks his promise of wanting to give our relationship a chance and tells me that “He lied”.  Had no regard for my emotional well being or respect for my body and spirit.
• Referred to a woman’s period as “Cherry Tomatoes”.
• Would make crude names for a woman’s body parts. (Pink Triangle, Couter and others).
• During Christmas time I saw a box of chocolates in a bag.  He had not planned to give me those and did NOT by me a Christmas gift at all.  But when he sees that I see them, he takes them and throws them on the counter in front of me and sarcastically says, “Merry Christmas”.  The gift did NOT come from his heart, it wasn’t wrapped, it had a price tag on it and it was thrown on the counter in front of me.
• Several times when he knows he hurt me emotionally or several times threatened to break up over the phone or as he would call it “Lets throw in the towel”..he would then not want to meet in person to have open communication to discuss things.  His emotional abuse of withdrawing affection and communication was just another tactic to make me feel devalued, unimportant and feel ignored.
• One time when we were breaking up he left me a text message and said, “We are done.”
• When visiting his mother, his mother yelled up that she had made some soup for him, then told me that there was some soup in the pantry if I would like some.  (Made some for him and not for me).
• When visiting his mother, his mother told me that my personality reminded her of a boss that she used to work for and her personality repelled her.  (When I had been a sweet pea to her and had been offering her some gifts and asked her if she wanted to go for a walk and made dinner for her).  She also told me that personality types could be changed and compared me to how gang members personalities are changed when they are Born again and judged me and then compared me to his ex.  Nightmare!
• The several times he would turn his back to me while laying in bed to show he was withdrawing affection to me or if he was wanting to break up or just angry he would have a stone face and not move his lips if I tried to kiss him.  This was terrible!
• The time I hurt my foot when we were in a big argument and when I tell him I thought I broke it and I am sitting on the kitchen floor, i am crying and telling him that I think I should go to the Emergency Room…his response is “Quit your whining and crying and leave”.
• The time I found a lump in my breast and I was scared and was in tears on the phone and he thought he might be going out of town and instead of him being there for me emotionally for me immediately he lets 6-7 hours go by without following up with me to see if I am ok and I am the one that drives to his house for support to see if he is going out of town.
• The time I had abnormal bleeding and some occurred when we had sex and he tells me that his c—- looks African American due to the blood and basically degraded me, made me feel humiliated and it was a racist comment.
• The time he told me “Maybe I should just do pot, porn and date other woman and then maybe you will leave me”.

Anyhow, I guess those are enough for you to see the verbal and emotional abuse right?  I question to myself why did I tolerate this and why is there still a part of me that is thinking that I can CHANGE this man.  It looks like the person I need to really look to CHANGE is myself and get away from this man.  If he wants to change himself then let him, it is NOT my responsibility.  I need myself back and I need my spirit back.  I need to question why I would have tolerated this.

It is fine to forgive a person but it doesn’t mean you have to tolerate abuse.  I am asking God to keep me strong and give me healing and direction.  I would appreciate your prayers and I hope that maybe I might have helped one person with this testimonial.  I know that some of the comments that he said were pretty graphic or blunt and I hope I didn’t offend anyone, but it is what it is and sometimes the “TRUTH” needs to be told.  I thank you for reading.  Bless you.

Susan

Possibly Related Posts:

1. Kim Cooper’s List – Possible Responses to Verbal Abuse
2. Jill’s Abusive Experience
3. I Left Twice
4. Linda’s Abusive Experience
5. Conflicting Thoughts After Leaving Abusive Husband

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