Give ‘em to ME
My Mamaw (great-grandmother) said “Give ‘em to me” via a psychic last summer. Mamaw was talking about the hurtful words I have absorbed and any hurtful words I may hear in the future. She said those words didn’t mean anything – they weren’t true, and the only person hanging on to them was me.
I should have listened then, but I am ready to listen now.
Last summer I was healing, but I didn’t want to let go of those hurtful words. They were my fuel. Holding them close, allowing them to rest inside of me, created a kindling reserve. Anytime I felt I couldn’t go on, I’d rub those dry old words together and spark myself into action.
I felt I needed that spark last summer because those tiny words that had grown from my husband’s mouth were all that I thought I had. I didn’t know how to continue without reigniting his words, without blaming and excoriating him.
I fueled myself on the lies he fed to me, and I selfishly protected every hurtful word because, painful as they were to hear and relive, I felt that without them, I was nothing. The hurtful words at least told me what I was not.
- I am not selfish.
- I am not disloyal.
- I am not irresponsible.
- I am not a liar.
- I am not pig-headed.
- I am not a whore.
But now, after burning those words for energy, I find that removing what I am NOT is quite different from deciding and discovering what I AM.
I’ve burnt through much of that kindling. My energy is diminishing in noticable ways and I’m beginning to feel concerned. If I relinquish who I am NOT, then who will I BE? How difficult will it be to be me?
I want to cry from mental and emotional exhaustion. I think it was far easier to NOT BE something than to be me.It was definately easier to attempt proving I was not a liar to my husband than it is to be honest with myself.
I find that I’m still hoarding some of his hurtful words JUST IN CASE being me is too hard. Hating him for telling me I’m a failure in every conceivable way gives me an excuse to fail.
I now see Mamaw’s wisdom in her request. “Give ‘em to me,” she said. Because Mamaw is dead she is presumably in a much better and wiser place than I inhabit. She’ll know what to do with the remaining kindling I’ve fearfully stockpiled.
Mamaw, I’d like to give you these words:
- failure
- pointless, nothing more than, inconsequential, meaningless, only and merely
Now I am crying. It physically hurts in my throat and in my chest and where the fire hot tears sting my eyes. It literally hurts to give away these words that I am NOT.
I don’t yet know what I am without them, and I am more than a little fearful to discover that who I may be is powerful.
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January 6th, 2010 at 11:36 PM
Oh yes, I was talking about a similar subject today. I was discussing with a friend how the abuse in my marriage is directly related to my lack of sense of self. But in order to even recognize that – I had to find myself first.
Buddha said (close anyway) “you are exactly who you believe yourself to be”
I love those words. I can DECIDE who I am. I am NOT bound by chance or other’s assessments of me. I CHOOSE who I am.
Let me get you started – kind, loyal, smart, insightful, brave, dedicated, hard worker, funny, creative, caring,loving, beautiful,
January 7th, 2010 at 12:54 AM
Oh Kellie.
I check in here often, wanting to see how you are doing and hoping I can offer some encouragement. And I usually leave stumped. I just struggle to understand it all. How you can believe any of those nonsense words for years and years. How you can stay married to someone who does not seem to adore you. I just want all the best for you. Life, marriage, the day to day…does not have to be so difficult. You dont have to feel tortured in your own head. It can be better than that and I wish that for you.
Quietone said it well. But I will also say that you are talented and beautiful and interesting and deep and determined. On and on. But that is the start of what I see in you.
I hope as you figure out who you ARE instead of who you are NOT, you discover all these things and more. I think you already know some of it and I hope those things are confirmed over and over and new things are discovered. Great things.
Mostly I hadnt commented for a while and wanted you to know I think of you often and hope all is well enough for you.
January 7th, 2010 at 9:32 AM
“…I am more than a little fearful to discover that who I may be is powerful.”
It is time to close your eyes, shake your head, and re-open those eyes to the reality of who you are. It is time to get your NEW perspective of who you are (the one I have seen since we were kids).
What I am saying is that you have fallen. It is time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and be honest with who you KNOW you are deep down. The parts that your husband hasn’t been able to touch. Dig deep in there and find that glowing ball of happiness, power, love, excitement, etc. that IS STILL THERE!
Grab that glowing ball and nurture it like a sick kitten. Pay attention to it, stroke it, feed it, and love it. Whatever you do, don’t let it go.
Your love and attention to this buried piece of yourself will grow; and it will become stronger until you finally know that it is who YOU ARE.
I sure do love you. I won’t let you forget…