Nothing Wrong With Me
Last night, Will blew up about my callousness in choosing my and the boys’ mental health and welfare over his career. He got ugly, but I stood up and said, “That’s it. I’m done with this conversation,” and remarkably, he pretty much quit (maybe because the boys were in the room). For whatever reason, he stopped the tirade.
It was obvious that he hadn’t heard my concerns. How could he consider what I’d said when he immediately started yelling about his career? Telling me that it wasn’t my career both highlighted the fact that I don’t have one (so I’m not as valuable as he?) and saying his career was more important than all else, a direct reversal from a previous conversation we’ve had.
Instead of engaging him because I felt a need to defend myself, I made it clear that I wasn’t discussing it further. The incident that could have been 100 times worse faded.
Later when he sat on the couch and removed his boots, laughing at a silly thing on TV, I put my hand on his thigh to get his attention. I told him that how he handles this situation with the Army and with me will show me how serious he is about getting help and fixing our marriage.
He said, “That’s why I’m going to marriage counseling AND whatever the Army tells me to do.” I told him I appreciated that effort, but marriage counseling and group therapy wasn’t going to help if he didn’t address the demons he has within himself. I told him (again) that I was addressing my own demons and willing to take responsibility for my part in our trouble, but I wasn’t the only one who needed to work. I needed to see effort from him, for him.
I don’t look at any of the Army requirement as a “check the block” activity. I mean, if he isn’t going to put any effort into it, then will he be able to make healthy changes? No, because he won’t see where changes could be made.
Now here’s the kicker. Will said, “I don’t have these “demons” you think I do. I don’t have any problems. You are the only person in the world who has ever said there is something wrong with me.”
What?
But, instead of asking anything or rolling my eyes or sighing heavily, I said, “And that attitude, the one that says you are perfect above reproach, is one of the major problems I’m talking about. No one is perfect.”
Perhaps because the boys were still in the room, he did not respond.
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December 9th, 2009 at 9:55 AM
I too asked my husband to get counseling for his verbal abuse. His verbal abuse became 10 times worse, calling me psycho all the time, telling me that I’m the one needing counsiling not him. He did go a few times, and told the counselor the reason he is angry all the time is because I dont know how to discipline my kids. My boys were 17 and 18 and were never introuble with the law, they tunned out pretty good. He never disciplined them, if they were naughty I’m the one who would get introuble and told how bad my kids were. The cousilor even gave him books for me to read on how to disipline. If i’m so bad at that, then how come when I tell our young daughter that it is bed time, she goes right away, if he tells her she laughs and stays right where she is at.
December 11th, 2009 at 2:59 AM
One thing I have learned in my 20 year marriage is that any plea to recognize that he puts me beneath anything else just opens the door for more abuse.
I think it is because he knows that his behavior his wrong and if I remind him of it that is even more painful for him and thus – to eradicate the pain he takes it out on me again as the source of the pain.
Counseling is supposed to get them to recognize their demons.
It is just my opinion and I am not in your situation, but perhaps the better approach would be to let commitment on the issue lie still for a while.
If he will at least go then he might get an eye opener.
You are right. This is not a check the box issue. But in some ways trying to force him to be committal about counseling is asking him to correct everything before he even goes in for his first session. It’s also asking him to acknowledge that his is wrong. He wont acknowledge that right now but if the counselor is any good he might start seeing it within himself after a few sessions.
Your story breaks my heart. I check in every day wishing there was a way to set things right for you.