What am I forgetting?
In the midst of this panic, it is hard to slow down and really THINK. It is true that the source of the panic is my fear of “what will happen?” when he comes home.
All good panics have, at their root, an unknowable, unanswerable question. Hence, the panic. (I wonder if people lacking imagination suffer panics?)
Anyway, I am fearful of an unknown and unknowable event. Thinking about that fact is helping to squelch the panic machine. It’s not grinding to a halt, but it is reducing in size and effectiveness. That’s a good thing.
Let’s see if I can get it to power off.
(What if I can’t stand his behavior?) Over the past 10 months, I’ve created a support network and broken my silence about the abuse in my marriage. I have friends and professionals who will support me through tough situations – I don’t have to deal with it alone. Besides, I’ve “stood his behavior” for a very long time and I’m not dead yet. The real fear may be:
(What if he overpowers me mentally and emotionally and I shrink back into nothingness?) You know, he has a lot of practice “overpowering” me.
There may be times when I feel overpowered and alone. But I KNOW that feeling now. I KNOW that feeling isn’t right. I KNOW that that feeling is only a SIGN that something needs to be done - that feeling is not the END, but the beginning.
IF I feel that feeling, it’s a sign to me to evaluate the situation, determine what boundaries were crossed, analyze my responses that helped put me back into the dark, and BUILD from that point forward. Maybe it’s the PollyAnna in me, but I cannot truly conceive of me shrinking back into nothingness. It’s just not gonna happen.
(What if he turns the boys against me?) If he does, then I have the wherewithal and the history of love and honesty with our boys to combat anything my husband tells them. It is going to take more than a few comments or secret conversations to turn those boys against me. AND I don’t have to play the game, I don’t have to defend myself to the boys, and I don’t have to say bad things about my husband to the boys. That’s just not me.
(What if he leaves me? What if I determine it’s best for me to leave him?) Then that’s that, isn’t it? Leaving my marriage does not automatically delete him from my life, and I know that. That is part of the reason I chose not to leave months before. AND, if I’m on my own with no income, no way to support myself and the boys, then I have family who will support me as I get up on my feet. I won’t need that type of support forever, and I will repay it with interest in the future. Leaving isn’t the end of my world – it’s my last choice, but not the end of me.
(What if I have to leave the house to escape the anger so much that I cannot be at home when he is?) Now that, my friends, would truly suck. I think I’ve identified a sticking point in my plan. Although I plan to stop the abuse as it occurs, many of my planned techniques assume that Will also wants to stop the abuse. I will go over my planned responses and come up with some solutions that don’t require me leaving the house every time something goes awry.
(What if he is not willing to stop his abusive tactics? What if he won’t work with me to change the dynamic in our marriage?) He has said that he does wish for it to stop, and second-guessing him is not going to get me to calm. I must simply wait and watch what he DOES. He can SAY anything, but being aware of what he DOES is the key.
Plus, there is some mandatory counselling he must attend when he returns due to the event that happened last December. IF he truly wants the abuse to stop, then the counselling will be valuable to him and will help him to overcome the negative behaviors he exhibits with me.
Okay. I think the panic is gone. And whaddya know? I didn’t have to shrink back into myself to find the calm.
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