My Verbally Abusive Marriage

“I think this is a great idea – but it is just going to awaken the beast in him and piss him off even more. He is not going to be able to get his berating in and it is going to either build up or his anger is going to overflow at that very moment.” ~Erin

Erin, you’re right. It will anger him at some point, if not right away. But here’s the thing: Setting and saying my boundary is the important thing. If setting a boundary with my husband angers him, then so be it. Anything I do has the potential to anger him, so I must do and say what is good for me!

“Are we married to the same man?  I started ignoring my husband now too…he doesn’t like that much and will continue to work me…until he pulls me in.” ~Amber

Amber, there’s the rub. He (They) will continue to “work” us because that is what they do to gain the upper hand, the lead, the control they MUST have to feel safe. Tell me, have you found that when he is successful in turning you into a raving lunatic, crying, spitting out horrible things that you thought only he could say…does he calm down? Look at you condenscendingly? Comment on how out of control you are?

Then do you realize how you must look & sound? Do you know that he is right? You are an out of control mad-woman with no sense of decency or self-control. Automatically, you feel ashamed, out of place, disoriented. The blame for the direction of this scene falls squarely on your shoulders. After a time, you apologize to him…you run to your children and console them, apologizing for being a failure as a mom, a woman, a person.

Meanwhile, in this aftermath, he either follows you around the house witnessing your distress, agreeing with your self-loathing, offering to help you however he can…or he leaves you alone entirely, off to do something he enjoys with people he enjoys.

I’ll bet that this too sounds familiar.

It is my goal to see and hear him as if he is on a movie screen. As if he is playing a role to which I can choose to pay attention to…or not. When he starts his shit, it is my job to speak when I feel he is crossing a line, leave when he insists on crossing it, and from that point forward, pay attention (from a psychic and emotional distance) to realize if and when he becomes a physical threat.

The “distance” is the key. When he behaves in his controlling and manipulative ways, he is no longer worth my attention. He is definately not worth my compassion, empathy, understanding, whatever. And those hurtful words that he spews? They are nothing more than his attempt to pull me back into confusion and self-loathing because THAT is the state from which he can control me.

A comment on the previous post helped me to realize that I’ve got to come up with a strategy for dealing with my husband that doesn’t include telling him that he’s hurt me. He doesn’t care. Or rather, he’s glad that I’m hurt because that means he has the upper hand.

I’m ripe for travelling down the path plotted by him. How does it go?…

“I felt humiliated when you yelled at me like that in front of the boys,” I could say.

“Oh yeah? (smiling to himself, I’m sure) Turning, “Yeah, I wish that hadn’t happened too. If you could have heard how ridiculous you sounded, then you’d be glad that I cut you off.”

“I don’t think what I said was ridiculous, I think – ”

“That’s the problem,” he would say, “you think after you speak. It would be better if you…” Let me finish that statement in a way he never would, but is more truthful than what he says:

“It would be better if you…didn’t think things that I wouldn’t think or say. I would really like it if you would run your little thoughts by me first. Then, I could tell you how dumb they are before you open your mouth and embarrass me.”

Or maybe, “It would be better if you…sat in awe of me at my feet while I lectured you for hours about how right I am and how wrong you are if you disagree. I want you silent and compliant, and if I have to humiliate or suffocate you with MY words to make you respect my superior intellect then I will.”

The second I let him in on how I’m feeling, he sees an opportunity to attempt crushing me further. He’s really good at it. One way I can counteract his manipulativeness (is that a word?!) is by denying him the opening.

If he yells at me in front of my children, I won’t engage him. I won’t argue with him. I will say something like, “If you want to talk to me about this, we can go to the other room. I will not stand here and allow you to scream at and lecture me in front of our children.”

There’s no opening there. He doesn’t have the emotional ammunition he feeds on to continue in the same manner.

If I know him though, he’ll continue to push the boundary. Either he’ll ridicule the stand I took or continue saying whatever it is but in that tone of voice that oozes disdain, trying to make me feel small.

I can repeat myself, “I will not stand here and listen to this. I asked you not to speak to me like this in front of the children, and I don’t want you to speak to me in this way at all.” (He’s probably talking over me as I state these things, but that’s okay. I’m not repeating myself, and I’m doing my very best to NOT let him touch my heart.) And then I will walk away. Probably to my room where I can lock the door. (Note to self: put headphones and zune in bedroom so I can drown out his voice.)

Will that work, do you think?

Although I have skirted the outposts of my personality, my nature, previously, I am now going into me full force. I am reaching in deep and pulling out the treasures. I am finding the jewels inside of myself. I’m so excited about the gems I’m unearthing that I can’t quite understand why YOU don’t want to see them.

Maybe in the past, my excitement over my discoveries has driven me to hastily giving, and hastily trusting, you with my treasure.

My disappointment over your lack of excitement or callous comments caused me to crumble. Caused me to decide that what I had discovered was worthless because you didn’t care. When I’ve given them all to you, you’ve thrown them back to me, disgusted. You’ve ignored or criticized my treasures until my only dream became the day you would see what I wanted to see in myself – something valuable. Someone worthy. Some one…me. 

Why did I give you the power to set the value of my treasures? Why did I think your opinion more valuable than my own?

It isn’t, you know.

I want to spend some time in a sunny room sorting through my gems, getting to know myself. Setting my own value. I will share myself, when I’m ready, without expecting one iota of care (or excitement) from you.

I’m discovering an awesome woman within myself. I love her. I want her to grow and I will nurture her.

Even if that means sitting in a sunny room enjoying the light reflecting back onto me off of my sweet, beautiful, precious gems – alone.

Thankfully, I have found Randomly K’s Journal Entry! It’s posted on the site along with Amber’s and Mike’s.

Thank you so much for sharing your story, RK.  ”It” happens just as you describe it. So often I’ve done something against my better judgment because I thought it would make him happy.

What a joke. He knows I’m trying to act in ways that fuels his happiness, but his sense of entitlement, the idea that I “should” ensure his happiness no matter what he says, gets in the way. To him, his words don’t matter when he’s testing me – insincerely pretending to want to “make” me happy – and somehow, I’m supposed to know the difference. I’m supposed to know that he what? That he doesn’t really want me to be happy?

Well, I think I just figured that one out. He doesn’t really want me to be happy. My happiness threatens his ability to “make” me behave as he would like.

Sorry, I ran on and on. What I really would like you to do is take a look at Randomly K’s story.

I would like you all to read Amber and Mike’s stories. They both generously shared their experience through my website at Break The Silence.

Read Amber’s Story

Read Mike’s Poem

I encourage anyone who has lived through or is currently living in the lies and secrecy of abuse to share at Break The Silence. It is my hope that if some of us share our stories, then all of us can gain the courage we need to find our ways free of abuse.

Fear is a powerful force; it holds us tightly making it too hard to breathe, to feel, or to see a brighter future. Keep in mind that your fear, although probably wisely created out of necessity, is YOURS. You choose when to let it go.

My first step in letting go of my fear was anger, actually. I had picked up a book that spelled out my experience so succinctly that I could not postpone applying the label “abusive” to my relationship any longer. I was pissed at my husband for doing all those things to me. The miraculous bit was that I allowed myself to be angry!

That was hard. Always before I had “reasoned” out answers to why I could not, should not, be angry. Something was always my fault; a defect in personality, a defect in upbringing, a defect so deep within myself I couldn’t pinpoint it. Fact is that although I am far from perfect, none of my defects warranted the perpetual abuse I suffered.

I let myself feel the anger.

If you’ve ever been angry at someone, then you know that anger can unleash words and actions that you did not anticipate! Sometimes, my anger spilled out in unproductive ways, to say the least.

But my anger also created verbalabusejournals.com, and that creation is helping me to unload years of resentment AND navigate my way to peace in a healthy way.

There’s no way to know what your key to letting go of your fear will be, but I have the sense that the answer lies in your willingness to FEEL something about it. Give yourself permission to feel it through and through, no apologies, no excuses for why “not feeling” is a better alternative.

I know you will find a way out from under your fear. It’s only a matter of time.

I was recently contacted by Mack, a man who runs a message board entitled Men Ending Verbal Abuse and Control. I checked out his site, registered as a member, and started looking around. I can tell that Mack reaches out to the men who abuse and control and WANT TO CHANGE.

It’s not going to do any good for me to send this link to my abusive husband. IF Will is going to change, or want to change, he will find this site himself. Me sending him the link would only make him ignore it in the future. (Read that statement again if you’re thinking about sending this link to your abusive “other”!)

However, by posting the link, I can help Mack work his way into the web so his site is easier to find, and THAT is something I truly would like to do.

I hope that the man who emailed me about getting help for his abusive behavior sees this post. I can’t find his email address!