The Gift
I’ve thought about it, and my root fear goes deeper than “Is he right?“
My next theory concerning my root fear is one that I suspect even “healthy” people wrestle with from time to time. Am I worthless? is a deeper fear than Is he right? In the setting of this abusive/codependent relationship, means almost the same thing. The difference is that in asking if he is right about my worth, I turn his decision about me into the only one that matters.
Yes, my fear is strengthened by my abusers actions and voice, but even I know that I am not everything he proclaims me to be. Reason tells me that he is only “GOD” if I allow it, and I have decided that my husband is not and cannot be the god that speaks to me, protects me, loves me. My husband may be a powerful force in my life, but he is not god.
Ultimately, I get to decide if I am worthless or not. If you’re the religious type, then perhaps you would say that God decides. However, since I have to wait until I die to get the down-low on God’s true opinion of me with certainty, then I’ll decide for myself for now.
Anyway, my rumination brings out a new question: “Why did I choose to marry someone who consistently and loudly voices my deepest fear?”
“Why did I marry him?” implies that my fear of worthlessness was in place before I knew him. Maybe I married him because he validated my fear; maybe he truly was the hero I was looking for. In essence, he told me that I WAS RIGHT.
What a gift! It was exactly what I wanted.
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October 23rd, 2009 at 11:46 AM
blog_update The Gift: I’ve thought about it, and my root fear goes deeper than “Is he ri.. http://bit.ly/47zITq
October 24th, 2009 at 9:58 AM
You know, I always wondered why you picked Will… he is TOTALLY different that the boyfriends you had while growing up. I mean TOTALLY.
As a kid, YOU was always the one “in charge”. I would look to you for EVERYTHING. I put a lot of pressure on you to be perfect – after all, you ARE perfect in my eyes. You are my big sister!
Then, the second you got out on your own, you found somebody that would take care of YOU. You didn’t have to take care of yourself anymore. No more pressure to be perfect. He did all of that for you. He told you how to be. He told you what he expected from you. YOU did not have to think about it anymore.
If my theory is right – then it makes perfect sense why you are asking this question now, as you are emerging from your cocoon.
You are finally finding that girl from 25 years ago. Only now, you have the wisdom of a woman. You can use that wisdom to propel yourself through this situation.