The Beast Under My Bed
“It’s just the beasts under your bed…In your closet and in your head” ~Metallica, Enter Sandman
My fear, my bottom-line, no-one-else’s-fault fear is that he is right. What if he is right?!
What if I am best shut away from the world? What if I am hurting my boys? What if the only thing I’m good for is contrasting his greatness?
I am an anger generator with no sense of right-wrong, good-bad; I am a godless, misinformed, stupid waste of space only good for dipping his dick into and cleaning up the crap he creates.
He makes the money. He schmoozes for the promotions, he works his ass off goddammit so he can come home and work like a slave around here, too. I’m always breaking stuff, always buying more than we need, always wasting the good life he’s providing for me by crying, fearing, cringing, and hugging the walls to avoid detection. He can’t turn his back on me for one second because of all the stupid ignorant stuff I do when he isn’t riding me like a dying hag.
I’m the part of him that he exorcised during our marriage ceremony. He didn’t marry me, he divorced himself from responsibility and all the bits of himself he could no longer face, no longer control, no longer contain. In marrying me, he made himself God.
My REAL fear, the no shit fear that lurks beneath my bed and circles my thoughts like a vulture – What if he is right?
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October 21st, 2009 at 2:57 PM
blog_update The Beast Under My Bed: “It’s just the beasts under your bed…In your c.. http://bit.ly/2cazp2
October 22nd, 2009 at 9:13 AM
OMG. No. Get out your spray bottle with magickal water, and spray under your bed to get rid of this monstrous thought.
This thought, concern, fear is something that HE has put there. It’s not long until he gets home, and you are really thinking about it – if you realize it or not.
Get your powerful amulet out of your closet, dust it off, and wear it with the knowledge nobody can break through you.
You are NOT what you described above. You are strong, you are powerful, you are smart, you are loving, you are caring, you are considerate, you are a wonderful mother, you are ON THE RIGHT PATH! (Well, before this post any way…)
I am calling you right now to make sure you know how I feel.
November 12th, 2009 at 6:37 AM
WHY….why is it that so many others can see the good in us when “he” can’t. What is his purpose for ripping out my soul and throwing it into the garbage with such disgust on his face. How in the world can this make him feel good about himself.
Others see me as happy, hard-working, a wonderful, honest and loyal friend. He sees me as a useless,lazy, stupid bitch. He says he’s tired of my long and sad face…
I’ve read all the blogs and comments from today’s post to this one and so unsure if I can go back any farther. Guess it feels a bit like thinking of all the “other” times with too much sadness. Too much of my life is in your posts Kellie, as you’ve said “your married to my husband”.
Not sure if anyone will see this…I obviously needed to vent.
Thanks for listening, if you did…
November 13th, 2009 at 10:40 PM
Of course I heard you. Like you say, other people see you as the wonderful person you are. It’s just this idiot you’re married to refuses to see you. Period.
I’m trying to put my husband “in his place” in my head and heart…as much as I want to share love with him, as much as I want US to come out of this together and happy, HE IS NOT MY WHOLE WORLD and he is certainly not the judge and jury of ME.
Let’s do ourselves a favor and let our FRIENDS who see us for who we are have a more dominant voice in our hearts and minds than the one guy in our world who is acting like an idiot.
November 14th, 2009 at 2:03 AM
Super advice Kellie…you couldn’t be more right, but you know that
Friends 1 ~ Idiot 0