My Verbally Abusive Marriage

“I think this is a great idea – but it is just going to awaken the beast in him and piss him off even more. He is not going to be able to get his berating in and it is going to either build up or his anger is going to overflow at that very moment.” ~Erin

Erin, you’re right. It will anger him at some point, if not right away. But here’s the thing: Setting and saying my boundary is the important thing. If setting a boundary with my husband angers him, then so be it. Anything I do has the potential to anger him, so I must do and say what is good for me!

“Are we married to the same man?  I started ignoring my husband now too…he doesn’t like that much and will continue to work me…until he pulls me in.” ~Amber

Amber, there’s the rub. He (They) will continue to “work” us because that is what they do to gain the upper hand, the lead, the control they MUST have to feel safe. Tell me, have you found that when he is successful in turning you into a raving lunatic, crying, spitting out horrible things that you thought only he could say…does he calm down? Look at you condenscendingly? Comment on how out of control you are?

Then do you realize how you must look & sound? Do you know that he is right? You are an out of control mad-woman with no sense of decency or self-control. Automatically, you feel ashamed, out of place, disoriented. The blame for the direction of this scene falls squarely on your shoulders. After a time, you apologize to him…you run to your children and console them, apologizing for being a failure as a mom, a woman, a person.

Meanwhile, in this aftermath, he either follows you around the house witnessing your distress, agreeing with your self-loathing, offering to help you however he can…or he leaves you alone entirely, off to do something he enjoys with people he enjoys.

I’ll bet that this too sounds familiar.

It is my goal to see and hear him as if he is on a movie screen. As if he is playing a role to which I can choose to pay attention to…or not. When he starts his shit, it is my job to speak when I feel he is crossing a line, leave when he insists on crossing it, and from that point forward, pay attention (from a psychic and emotional distance) to realize if and when he becomes a physical threat.

The “distance” is the key. When he behaves in his controlling and manipulative ways, he is no longer worth my attention. He is definately not worth my compassion, empathy, understanding, whatever. And those hurtful words that he spews? They are nothing more than his attempt to pull me back into confusion and self-loathing because THAT is the state from which he can control me.

Possibly Related Posts:

1. Better than “It hurts my feelings when you…”
2. New Experiences Posted
3. Setting Boundaries
4. Anger Management
5. Am I happy he is gone?

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