My Verbally Abusive Marriage

Red Light Behaviors (<– previous post)

This stinks. I’m sitting here bemoaning the fact that I have to think about the danger signs relating to my husband’s behavior (or anyone ‘s behavior, I guess). It’s scary because I’ve been through it before – I’m not imagining, I’m “re-magining” or living through it again in my mind.

My imagination is pretty damn good, and my “re-magining” skill is better. It’s going to be as if I’m living it all over again.

Here we go…Yellow-Light Behaviors:

• Not talking on purpose
• Looking at me with slitted eyes
• Coming in and out of the house to “show-off” his bad mood
• Answering my question with an unrelated answer and turning red at the same time
• Saying stuff like “I can’t get any help around here,” “Do whatever the hell you want like always,” etc.
• Turning bright red when he looks at me without a word spoken
• Saying “What the hell are you doing…” after storming around outside and in
• When I feel like I need to be near him in order to keep him from picking on one of the boys
• Slamming or banging his hands or kitchenware on the countertops
• After exhibiting some of the previous warnings, brushing me as he passes even when there is plenty of room to avoid contact
• Making angry faces at me when he thinks I can’t see (or maybe he knows I can see him)
• Brings up sensitive topics or acts disrespectfully as he’s leaving for work (be aware after work)
• Ignores me in an obvious manner or tells me his schedule is too busy to talk because he’s the only one who can blah blah blah
• Yelling in anger while doing household repair or personal chore (like he’s showing his temper on purpose – “Watch out! You’re next!”)
• When I have an “unsettled” feeling and cannot quite pinpoint why but it happens when I see him from up close or afar
• When he starts drinking at lunch time (UNLESS we’re around people whom he has a need to NOT ALLOW see his “unseemly” behavior toward me…his family, his co-workers, anyone he thinks I talk to about my problems,…but again, after these people leave, and he’s alone with me and the boys, WATCH OUT!)
• When he starts drinking after work
• When he comes home drunk or smelling like alcohol
• Whenever alcohol MAY be involved in his plans and especially when our budget cannot reasonably handle another case of beer (my fault, of course)
• When he questions me about money spent even though it’s clearly notated in the checkbook
• When he suspects that I’m hiding money, hiding my spending, leaving the house “for no good reason”, spending too much time with some activity, etc. – especially if he wants to discuss his suspicions after exhibiting any of the above behaviors

Good God. I’m still rolling…haven’t even had to “think” about it yet. This stuff is so common that if I choose to leave the house when they happen I’m going to have to get my own place!

Most of the behaviors above come in groups. Usually at least two behaviors occur simultaneously. I am feeling anxious, but I’m not as worked up as I thought I would be “re-magining” this stuff.

I suppose it’s because I know the next step is to decide WHAT TO DO when these behaviors start appearing. I always feel better with a plan.

Oh – I broke down and got a cheap computer. There is a 15% restocking fee, but Dell has a part for my computer on backorder. I hope it takes less than 10 more days to get back to me ’cause I don’t think the “honest” part of me can purchase another computer to “borrow”!

The very first time I met my therapist, she asked me to do an activity categorizing what behaviors were acceptable to me. “Red Light” behaviors are the worst most-intolerable and “Green Light” behaviors are tolerable. “Yellow Light” behaviors are, of course, cautionary ones. All of the behaviors relate to what someone else is doing, not what I am doing.

When she first asked me, my red-lighters were along the lines of “hitting me”…and that was all. I had no conception of the idea that other behaviors were also “unacceptable”. I couldn’t even think of any yellow-lighters and the green-lighters included cheating, yelling, pushing, hitting counter tops, getting in my face, etc. I stopped short of adding “holding my face inches from a hot stove” to any list.

But now, my thinking has changed. Thank goodness.

Back then (as if it were ages ago instead of weeks), I thought that because I had allowed certain behaviors, I should continue to allow them to be fair and not cause a shockwave in my household.

Now, I am hoping that there will be no more red-lighters because I hope to take appropriate action at the yellows. In my mind, defining the yellow light behaviors are crucial. I am about to sink into that space in my mind that is reserved for fearful memories to explore when my inner alert system first sounded. (I ignored the emergency broadcast, but it was there!)

Already my heart is pounding. I don’t want to go there. But if I’m going to identify the situations from which I need to end or escape, then I’m going to have to take the re-maginary trip. Wish me luck.

HOPEFULLY on this coming Wednesday, I’ll have my computer back.

In the meantime, I’ve nothing to say.

Well, except for that my husband requested that we schedule a time for him to call. I did, and then I waited…and waited…and waited. No call. No surprise.

I’m not waiting anymore. If there’s something I want to do even if he’s scheduled to call, I’m going to do it.

To be fair, he is far far away and has responsibilities that do indeed “come up” out of the blue.

But how long does it take to send an email? A little note the a day after the missed appointment would have gone a long way and I would have thought it very considerate. But I didn’t hear from him for six days.

He left a message saying he’d call this Monday night. We’ll see…but if I find something else to do, I won’t be waiting by my phone!

In fact, I won’t be waiting by my phone even if I have nothing else to do. My thoughts are pretty cool when they’re not wrapped up tightly around what he might do!

I’m starting to value what I think in part because I’m surrounded by women whom I admire and who are telling me that they appreciate me, too! (Never underestimate the power of a heartfelt thank you. Give them often. Simple “thank-yous” are saving me.)

So far as my husband’s inconsiderate behavior goes, I have only his past record to judge by, and I feel that a part of him felt pretty powerful knowing that I was waiting for him to call…. Not only was I waiting, but I had told the kids to get ready to talk to Dad, so we were all waiting.

He’ll tell me that I’m way off base or “I can see how you could feel that way, but…”  when I tell him how I feel; maybe I won’t tell him anything at all.

Now don’t think I’ve been stewing over this, missing appointments, refusing to live my life while I thought this over and over! I didn’t, and I haven’t.

In fact, I’ve been to more than 4 meetings for and of The Woman’s Club and I’m heading and co-chairing two committees. I’ve also been doing some print design for the club on top of taking the minutes (they elected me recording secretary for this year).

In addition, I attended the rally in Washington, D.C. on Saturday. (It was awesome and I was SO happy that I went!)

I guess it just goes to show that my relationship’s HISTORY is going to be a challenge to overcome. I want to learn when to confront my husband on his behavior, and when to “let it go” and not give him the (assumed) satisfaction of knowing his controlling methods worked.

The challenge for me is to decide when I truly “need” to confront him on something and when it is better to let my silence do the talking.

It’s always harder for me to be quiet. I tend to want to let him know exactly how I feel in an effort to “punish” him for not doing what I wanted him to do.

But where did I get the idea that sharing my thoughts and feelings was punishment for someone else?