My Verbally Abusive Marriage

I was off in thought today, considering what my husband, who says he reads this blog, thinks of it.

At first he was really pissed off about it and asked me not to use his name or pictures because of military confidentiality concerns. So I blurred his face and changed his name to Will. I thought “Will” was fitting because his will is the only one that counts.

I inwardly hoped that the real reason for his wanting his name changed was embarrassment. If he was embarrassed, then maybe he could see A LITTLE BIT of what I said as true. Maybe there was A LITTLE hope for positive change.

He also told me that by using my real name, I opened the door for trouble for him. Will is sometimes in dangerous situations that I know nothing about – it’s the nature of his job in the military to be smack dab in the thick of things. If captured, he’s authorized to give the enemy his name, rank and social security number but nothing else.

Have you ever googled anyone? From that little bit of information, the enemy could theoretically pull up information about Will (of which there is very little). BUT, by googling him, the enemy COULD, if they’re good, find information about Will’s family. Armed with pictures of me and the boys, the addresses of our schools and homes, even phone numbers from the online white pages, the enemy could find many many ways to torture my husband.

“We’ll go to your home. Rape and kill your wife. Sodomize and murder your boys. We have the power – so tell us what you know and nothing bad will happen to them.” And in his sleep and food deprived state, possibly injured moderately or severely, he may believe them.

I know what you’re thinking (maybe)…bullshit. It’s the same thing a part of me thinks. HOWEVER, he has received intensive training (no, I don’t know if he’s been waterboarded) both in how to interrogate and how to resist interrogation. I do not want to add to his “discomfort” should he fall into enemy hands. And, god forbid the enemy does have the power to come to my home. That, my friends, would truly suck.

So, here I am with a fake name telling the truth about my recovery from verbal and emotional abuse. At least, I hope this all turns out to be my recovery from abuse. It would also really suck if this blog turned out to be a primer on “How to See the Light at the end of the Tunnel, but Flip the Switch Off Yourself.”

Because I must learn to guard against hunger (from HALT – hungry/angry/lonely/tired) to prepare myself to properly face verbal abuse, I’ve embarked on a “diet” of sorts.

I know that I’m supposed to eat at least three times/day. Five times if I include healthy snacks. I also know that I currently:

• eat twice a day, usually in the evening and early early morning before bedtime,
• am a coffee-holic (along with sugar and half & half) and that my coffee calories usually make up around 500 calories/day
• feel hungry in the late morning when I wake up, but feed myself only coffee until the sensation goes away.

So how does my current “eating style” benefit me? Obviously, it doesn’t REALLY benefit me at all. HOWEVER, because I’ve been doing it this way for at least 6 years, any drastic change is going to make me feel on edge and deprived.

Funny isn’t it? Changing from a diet high in caffeine and low on nutrients will cause me to feel ON EDGE and DEPRIVED. Caffeine by nature ups the nervous energy.  And eating sloppy meals from fast-food chains, ill-planned home-cooked meals, and late-night snacking deprives my body of the nutrition I so desperately need.

I’ve been sabotaging myself for a very long time.

Sure, I want to change my eating habits EVENTUALLY. I’ve learned from weight watchers, sparkpeople.com, and most of all from my sister, that eating well is maybe the most important thing I can do for myself. Nevertheless, I’ve kept my nutritional knowledge on a strictly “brain basis” instead of implementing the needed behaviors. The last thing I’ve wanted to do is DEPRIVE myself of my unhealthy habits.

Doing it “my way” when it comes to food has been one of the only things I feel I’ve had any type of control over for a very long time. And if I want to eat shit, then by God I’m going to do it!

Maybe I don’t want to eat shit anymore. Maybe I don’t want to avoid bedtime until 3 AM when I’m once again hungry and too tired to grab something good for me.

Maybe seeing that I DO have control over things other than food is a feeling that I can trust. IF, in fact, I am regaining some control over myself and my life, then maybe I could afford to change a few tiny things to goose me into better nutrition.

1. I want to reform my sleeping habits to keep up with my boys, to stop calling my support system (family) at their bedtimes or later, and to have more than 2 or 3 shopping hours per day. (You think I’m kidding about the shopping?! Do you know how inconvenient it is to ALWAYS drive 30 minutes to my closest WalMart because it’s the only store open? Talk about a time-waster…)
2. I want to eat the two snacks/day with my morning coffee. Then, because I know from experience that getting food in my belly at breakfast time makes me hungrier around lunch, perhaps I’ll find it easier to actually EAT lunch. Then, at dinner-time, I won’t be scrounging desperately for any kind of food because I haven’t eaten a bite all day, and I will be able to relax and make something good for us. Maybe I’ll eat a fruit before bed, right at 10 PM, so I don’t have that “empty and deprived” feeling as I close my eyes.

That’s it. That’s all I’m changing for now. The sleep thing is going to be very hard, but it may be THE KEY to getting my nutrition back on track.

Back in Al-Anon, I learned that if I’m Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, then I am more likely to screw up my emotional well-being. Of course, I was focused on alcoholism at the time (1995-96), but I think that HALT will apply to my attempts to deal with abuse, too.

I mentioned earlier that I’m reading How to Keep People From Pushing Your Buttons (Albert Ellis, Ph.D. and Arthur Lange, Ed.D.; Citadel; January 1, 1995; ISBN-10: 0806516704). The book talks about four ways of thinking, and says that three of them stink. Lovely.

So, in order to think correctly, I must NOT be Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.

Therein lies the problem. Well, except for the hungry part. I think I’ve spent the better part of my marriage being NOT hungry in an attempt to cancel out the angry, lonely and tired feelings!

So now, my quest to stop the abuse in my marriage is challenged on two levels. First, I will have to learn to deal with the HALT feelings on a consistent basis. Then, I will have to activate the correct thought process in order to deal with the abuse (…if it comes, which I suspect it will).

Regardless, if I want my marriage to have a chance of succeeding, I’ve got to get MYSELF under control.

I really really really really want a coach. I’m pretty sure I know WHAT to do, but I’m not so certain that I know HOW to do it or the confidence in myself to do it consistently.

Today I was supposed to visit my new therapist (my “coach”) for the first time. I showed, she didn’t. It’s really a pity, because now I don’t know if I want to go back to her because I need someone I can rely on. I’ve got enough self-esteem to know that MY time is valuable too! …She sounded so good on the phone last week; I think I’ll give her until tomorrow afternoon to respond to my voicemails and decide from there.

Anyway, without a coach, I’m laden with the responsiblity to shape-up on my own (mentally, emotionally, and physically), educate myself on responding to verbal abuse, and practice everything I learn before he comes back home.

Frankly, I’m not sure I can do it all alone. No – I’m not sure I can do it at all.

I was looking through the spam comments caught by akismet and NOT sent to me to approve. There are 32 of them collected in the past 10 days or so.

Suddenly I thought about my husband’s comments to me. Most of them are spam, too.

I’m hoping that I’ll learn to activate my brain’s spam filter before he gets home. What he says can then filter through the “is this worth listening to” portion of my brain. If the answer is NO, then his spam comment can be immediately deleted, leaving me to my OWN thoughts.

Before my husband deployed, we had some ferocious arguments. He was very angry most of the time. During one of the fights, I said, “I can’t MAKE you angry!” He retorted, “Well, if it’s not YOU, then who IS IT?!”

I meekly answered, “You are making yourself mad.” I said it meekly because although I’d heard the phrase “no one can MAKE you feel ANYTHING,” I didn’t really understand it. I mean, one of the fallback positions of victimhood is blaming my abuser for my own thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

You know, thoughts, feelings and behaviors like

• “He makes me sick!” or
• “He makes me so upset that I can’t think straight!” or
• “He makes me too sad to function!” or
• “He makes going back to school impossible!”

In reality, he doesn’t have the power to control what I think, feel or do. I GIVE him power over me when I blame my own inabilities on HIM. I am a victim as long as I continue to give him power over me, and that’s that.

I’m reading a book called How to Keep People From Pushing Your Buttons by Albert Ellis, Ph.D. and Arthur Lange, Ed.D. (Citadel; January 1, 1995; ISBN-10: 0806516704). The authors do an excellent job of explaining WHY no one can make you feel, do, or believe anything. They explain why I am completely in control of myself and give examples as to how I can ALWAYS (or nearly always – I’m not a robot!) control MYSELF.

The authors explain that there are three points that take me from an aggravating event to the way I act and feel.

• Point A: Activating event
• Point B: My thoughts and beliefs about the event
• Point C: My feelings and behaviors

The reason I’ve said, “He makes me…” so often is because I’ve been ignorant of (or learned to ignore) Point B. I’ve given up my right to control my own thoughts and beliefs. HE didn’t “take” the power to do so from me; I willingly gave control over to him, passed off my power like a baton in a relay race, allowing him to run in circles with MY mind!

The key to keeping my power is to PAUSE at point B and evaluate what I’m thinking about whatever “Activating Event” just happened. (a.k.a. Mindfulness)

I know that pausing to take control of my thoughts after he has said or done something “unbelievable,” “horrible,” or “unforgivable” may be extremely difficult. I’ve conditioned myself to skip over my own thoughts and run straight for the gold – the “gold” is my ability to react to him in a way that may make him STOP. (Did you catch the element of control there? Can I really do anything at all to MAKE him stop when he is in charge of his own Point B?!)

Unfortunately, my reactions to his behavior do not make him stop. So why do I keep on trying them?

What good has it done to cry? to scream? to remain silent? to become excessively angry? to slap him? to plot ways to avoid him? to hate him?

What good has it done to attempt to control him through my reaction to him? No good has come of it; now I will retrain myself.

My motivation for working to return to my “hottie” roots defies logic. In fact, it’s so ANTI-HEALTHY, I can’t believe the idea lit my fire.

Later, I may dig deeper into why such a horrible and illogical thought works for me. Maybe analyze any other unhealthy motivations I may have and how they hurt me. What I’m saying is that I KNOW this thought is twisted; I just don’t care. It’s working like the “right” motivating thoughts NEVER have worked.

In the “Cheating” post, I told you the sordid story about (what else?) cheating in my marriage. I have forgiven it; I have moved on. It happened 15 years ago. I couldn’t muster the tears one may expect when my suspicion was confirmed last week.

So, with the forgiving and the lack of feeling toward the infidelity, “How,” you may ask, “can the cheating incident motivate you to get in shape?!”

It motivates me because, if I’m “healthy and fit” or a “hottie” (take your pick), then my husband will feel horrible if I leave him. Imagining him watch me (jiggly in only the right places) create a new life for myself because he didn’t want to work with me to create a happier life with him makes me feel all warm and tingly. Sexy even.

This thought is SO dysfunctional on SO MANY levels! But, if I don’t think about all the sick thinking wrapped into that one statement, then it works. I worked out today and set goals for this week. I wrote down what I ate. I took my measurements. I’m fired up! I know all the “right reasons” for getting healthy, and making my husband feel miserable is NOT one of them.

Just for fun, let’s unravel some of the sickness in that motivating statement.

First off, the statement assumes many things:

1. My husband will not work with me to create a happy life together.
2. My husband would feel horrible without me.
3. My husband will care what I’m doing after I’m no longer “his woman”.
4. My husband cheated (cheats?) because he doesn’t like the way I look.
5. It is possible for me to return to “hottie status” and be “jiggly in only the right places”.

Secondly, the statement insinuates some rather nasty ideas:

1. I am not worth having or fighting for as I am - I am not a worthy person.
2. If I am a hottie, then maybe my husband will want me.
3. Someone lusting over me gives me a charge. (Only natural, I suppose, but this harkens back to my behavior after my rape, and that worries me.)
4. I am already envisioning a life without him even as I consciously plan to give him a chance to change.

And finally, the statement “hurts so good”. It’s a sick and twisted motivating statement, so why does it work so well for me? After all, I’m trying to be emotionally and mentally healthy, too!

1. Why am I trying to hurt my husband when I know it’s wrong to even TRY to hurt someone on purpose?
2. Why does my motivation for losing weight and getting healthy revolve around HIM?
3. What will happen if I’m fit and healthy but we successfully work through the abuse? Am I doomed to regain the weight, return to unhealthy status because the outcome didn’t match my intent?

For now, I’m going to give myself a break. Yes, I know that the motivation is emotionally and mentally unhealthy. I’ve laid out reasons why I should NOT entertain the idea, and yet I haven’t talked myself out of embracing it.

There are so many good reasons why I need and want to lose weight via a lifestyle change. (You’ll have to take my word on that – I’ve got at least 10 “right” reasons to lose weight, and NONE of them have motivated me the way this dysfunctional thought has.)

I am going to trust my gut on this one and hang on to the dysfunctional motivation – at least for now.

I suspect that, in time, I’ll burn through this initial motivation and will come to rely on habit (new, healthier habits) and the “right” reasons for creating and maintaining a healthy body.

I know I want physical health. I know exercise will help to relieve stress, and looking better will help me to feel better. And I really, really deserve to feel good about myself – it may be the greatest gift I’ve ever allowed myself to give. So if a dysfunctional thought process has ignited my ability to give myself the gift of love and life, then so be it.

4. I’m going to skip this revelation. One, if my husband cheated on me, then so be it. Two, the only “new” information I received was confirmation of my own suspicions from years and years ago. I decided to forgive his transgression (real OR imagined) 15 years ago, and I don’t want to go back there again. But I’m mentioning it because it’s sparked a desire and motivation to get healthy – lean and mean and I want to write more about THAT later. (from “Home” post)

Marc celebrated his second Christmas that year, so it would have been 1995 when the whole cheating scandal erupted. My husband accused me, I accused him. It was very ugly. I assumed that he was accusing me because he himself had actually cheated, plus there had been numerous rumors circulating during his 6-month deployment to that effect.

One day, in my art room (a large closet, really), I decided that I couldn’t go on like that. I had to either leave him or forgive him. My husband vehemently denies the rumors. I decided to forgive him. Whether he cheated or not, I believed he had, so forgiving was the tact I took. I knew I’d never forget, but I did decide to forgive.

Soon after, my sister said that she knew something I didn’t about my husband. I told her that I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to face it; I wanted to put the whole thing behind me. I had the feeling I knew what she was going to say, and I couldn’t bear it.

She kept silent until last week when she again asked me if I wanted to know what she knew. I said that I did want to know, and that’s when she summoned her husband.

Reluctantly, my brother-in-law told me that he heard my husband say, “I had that” (or something similar) in reference to a female soldier who came to a party at our house. BIL took the statement as fact and had told my sister about it at the time.

Barring some stupid macho bragging to the guys my husband was talking to (which makes no sense to me – he was married and everyone knew it), my belief that he cheated was confirmed.

Funny thing is, it doesn’t make a difference one way or the other. Back in 1995, I already “knew” in my bones that he’s been unfaithful. I chose to forgive and put it behind me; evidently, it worked. Last week, I couldn’t even muster tears of betrayal, and I’d been crying off and on for days out of frustration!

What BIL told me only confirmed what I already believed and had processed and forgiven.

HOWEVER, the confirmation sparked something within me. I now have the motivation and desire to return to my naturally healthy state – firm and fit, nutritionally sound – in order to deal with my stress.

This post is already long, so I’ll write another to tell you about the dysfunctional thinking that lit my fire to get in shape. I think I’m twisted, but for once, I don’t care. If twisted thinking gets me off my ass and away from convenience food, then I’ll use it for all its worth.

I have taken a vacation home and have been unable to blog due to dial-up connection frustrations! Ugh.

So many times I missed my blog, my journals, but I didn’t take the time to write anything – on paper or online – while visiting. So many ideas occurred to me, but I didn’t write them down. New information came my way, old information was verified, and I cried a lot.

I cried because I was home but I still missed home. The home in my memory. I’d hoped that the quasi-perfect life that I remembered would magically reappear simply by willing it into place. It hurt when my old life didn’t return to me.

It’s late, and I’m tired. But I’m going to try to list as many things as possible that I want to remember to write about in the coming days. I don’t want the new, old, and imagined to slip into the abyss. Maybe I didn’t write because I didn’t want to remember when I came back here to my desk. My keyboard. My life.

Whatever. Here’s the stuff:

1. Granny had a happy marriage.
2. Nana had a marriage that provided her a home and everyday luxuries.
3. My mother still won’t give details of her marriage to my dad, and I still don’t want to “know”
4. I’m going to skip this revelation. One, if my husband cheats on me, then so be it. Two, the only “new” information I received was confirmation of my own suspicions from years and years ago. I decided to forgive his transgression (real OR imagined) 15 years ago, and I don’t want to go back there again. But I’m mentioning it because it’s sparked a desire and motivation to get healthy – lean and mean and I want to write more about THAT later.
5. My oldest son has a pretty serious anger problem that he saves for me and his little brother; of course, he blames me.
6. Alaska, aloneness, and the inability to know everything in advance killed Chris.
7. I am too fat to meet up with old friends. I’m embarassed. I didn’t even try, and I know they will be upset if/when they find out.
8. My cousin loves me and my sister, but he picks on her endlessly and hurtfully. Why?
9. I kept waiting for a divine secret to be shared with me to no avail. I’m beginning to think there will be no magical divine intervention on my behalf. I’m beginning to think I’m going to have to do the hard shit alone.
10. My great-grandma was mistreated by my great-grandfather. In a way, I knew this because when he couldn’t care for himself anymore, he too moved to Indiana to be cared for by one of his daughters. My great-grandma and he lived 10 minutes apart in his final days; she didn’t care to see him. She didn’t travel to his funeral.
11. My Nana still sees the ghost of (or imagines) her ex-boyfriend peering through her windows. When HE died, her well-meaning(?) family asked her if she was going to his funeral. She answered, “Would you go to the funeral of someone who threatened to kill you?” I wanted to do a purification ritual or an exorcism or put a safety spell over her home, but in my dysfunction, could not.
12. Strokes can cause their sufferers to abuse the ones who love them. If my step-dad continues to emotionally and mentally abuse my mother, is it really any different for her than for me? No. The stress of dealing with an abuser, “sick” or not, can kill her as its killing me. There is no difference.
13. Instead of gaining strength at home, I felt it sapped from me as I realized that the security I once felt there was imagined. The men I knew there were only parts of their whole. I never realized the things that went on when I wasn’t looking. My protectors were liars and frauds. Is it possible to remember the men I once knew now that I know I only knew the part they wanted me to know? Must I put aside my own beautiful memories with them in order to honor the still very-much-alive women who tried to love them?

I suppose that’s the gist of it. I’ll fill in the blanks in the days to come.