My Verbally Abusive Marriage

Simpleology’s lesson for me today is “focused energy.” Following the lesson plan, I watched the video, read the material, listened to the mp3…and made all kinds of delicious check-marks for completing the lesson in my journal. YAY ME!

However, I am finding that my “focused energy” is, at best, divided and at worst “fuzzy.” Doesn’t sound very focused, eh? There is SO MUCH going on in my life…and SO MUCH that I haven’t decided “how to handle” that I feel like I’m being bounced around like a red rubber ball in a racquetball room.

I realize that if I’m the red rubber ball, then SOMEONE must be tossing me. I think that I must be tossing myself…or at least ALLOWING myself to be tossed. At this point in the game, I don’t know how to avoid the toss!

I write a lot about what I DON’T want. It’s probably more valuable to think about what I DO want. So, here goes:

• I want a loving, healthy family.
• I want to live in a home that I love.
• I want to create a happy balance between my time alone AND time to be with my family, one on one and together, daily.
• I want a fulfilling life’s work that motivates and supports other people, that includes earning a sustainable and very high income, that has my own “self-care” goals built into it, and with enough off time to enjoy travel, relationships, hobbies, etc.
• I want to be fit and trim with controlled cholesterol levels within the healthy range.

I want a fulfilling, meaningful life that adds positive, active energy to the world.

Two things.

I’ve become a member of simpleology.com and I’m loving it. Remember when I wished for a hero but suspected that the only hero that was coming was ME? Well, simpleology is proving that to me AND making it easier to learn how to be my own boss. This is my first step toward anti-codependence (er, independence).

Sadly, I was going to recommend a second site to you, but after checking it out I found that the site owner’s current blog at wordslinger includes a TROJAN HORSE! No, the horsie didn’t trample me thanks to my avast antivirus (FREE) program. So, instead of a recommendation, here’s a word of caution: Do not visit you/are/not/crazy.com (slashes added by me). I can only assume that the site also includes some types of viral malignancies.

Hmmmm. Abusive websites. Fun stuff.

I’m staying because I realized something yesterday. I can point to only TWO times since August 2008 when I truly felt at peace.

1. When my department of social services counselor told me that I didn’t have to be ready to leave  right now.
2. When I finally downloaded and read Back from the Looking Glass by Kim & Steve Cooper yesterday.

Both of those instances reassured me that although the experts are certain that my abuser’s behaviors will never change – can never change – that I do not have to believe them. Both of those instances let me see the light, straight and bright, between myself and god.

I do not HAVE to leave my husband in hope of creating a happy life. I’ve felt that from the beginning. I’ve felt it strongly and to my very core.

I’ve also felt that “all those experts” telling me to leave were not seeing the whole picture. They saw me as codependent (which I am) and him as abusive (which he is), but they could never see the compassion and love (real love, not codependent love) I have for Will, or the greater love I have for keeping my family TOGETHER.

It’s like the professionals got lost in the books and research, losing the ability to see beyond a label.

• “Codependent”. Codependents don’t know who they are or what they want; in their desire to please others codependents cannot think for or know themselves, and continually fuel the fire in order to keep themselves insulated from doing the work required to create authenticity and wholenss of self.
• “Abuser.”  Abusers have a massive psychological web of problems to which they want to turn a blind eye that pretending they and their families are other than they are to the extent of abusing themselves and others to live that fantasy is the end-all of the abuser’s existence.

I am not that “book” co-dependent, and I refuse the lable. I refuse the idea that I must BE alone in order to LEARN TO BE myself. I refuse the idea that I cannot face the abusive behaviors of my husband without further “losing” myself or my ability to function as a REAL, authentic human being.

I am not saying that “codependency” does not relate to me at all. Neither do I mean that I am willing to stay codependent on this abusive drama I’ve helped to create for myself.

I will be doing a lot of work in the realm of codependency, as well as finding solutions to DEALING WITH my husband’s abusive techniques. It takes two participants to play this sick game we’ve got going on in my home. What will happen when I simply stop playing?

Well, here are some possibilities:

• My husband’s ”shock” of having his game-partner leave the court mid-set could leave him floundering, searching for answers and with the realization that the old rules do not apply. He could either start playing by new rules, or he could adhere so strongly to the old ones that he leaves me for someone else.
• The same “shock” could throw him into a physically abusive rage (for which I have a safety plan and am cultivating the trust in my own judgment which I’ll need to escape it).
• The stress of living by my own new rules could become overwhelming, but I am cultivating the ability to learn HOW to calm myself and deciding on WHEN “enough is enough” and an extended break to recoup my strength would help. (Can anyone say, “vacation by myself in some cool location?!”)
• The stress of living with his abusive outbreaks could throw me out of whack with my goals to treat myself right…The key is to learn to recognize my own stress and formulate ways in which to deal with it in healthy ways.

If physical abuse occurs, I will STILL have to decide whether to stay or go, and I know that. HOWEVER, making the decision to stay in absence of physical abuse and with the inclination to limit and eradicate the verbal and emotional abuse, helps to stabilize my emotions and stop playing the WHAT IF game ad nauseum.

My emotions are real AND important AND valuable. I will continue to honor and to feel them. From now on, I’m going to make every effort to THINK before ACTING on them.

Wish me luck, and please stay close. I need you. (See, that’s codependence! LOL) Let me restate it:

Wish me luck, and please stay close. I value you very much and do not WANT to do this by myself. But I will, if and when I must.
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Back from the Looking Glass by Kim & Steve Cooper is the ebook I referenced above. I am not sure at this time whether I recommend it or not as I’ve just downloaded it myself. Kim’s story is a compelling one, and I’m hoping that in the near future, my results will be similar to hers.

I made a monumental decision: I’m staying in my marriage.

I’m going to get myself straight.

In the process, Will is going to do the same or HE is going to choose to leave.

And when we’re both healthy after working together to straighten out this mess of a marriage, we’re going to have the life we both want, individually and together.

I know that may sound like pie in the sky thinking, but I know in my heart that it is going to work.

Of course, the alternative (he leaves; we don’t ever straighten out OUR relationship) is a possibility. IF that comes to pass, I will undoubtedly be very sad. BUT I can deal with any feelings that arise at that time. Forecasting how I’ll feel is pointless and worrisome and holding me back from creating the life I want.

I think I’m beginning to understand what codependence is all about. I received an email today with the line “And do you sometimes feel that you are wanting a hero to come and rescue you and help you with the more practical aspects of living that might be falling apart? Maybe it’s time for a reality check?”

Hell yeah. That’s what I’m waiting for. God, a dead relative, some divine intervention…even one of the nanny’s from Nanny 911 would work. SOMEONE, anyone, who could fix me is who I want.

Perhaps that’s why I gravitated to Will in the first place. He seemed to have all the answers and all the confidence in the world to go along with them.

As I live in the feeling that I’m not good enough, I’m trying really hard to listen to what I’m thinking.

And what I’m thinking is,

• “The house is a mess, it’s got to be perfect before he gets home or another neighbor comes to visit.”
• “The boys don’t respect me.”
• “I can’t DO this anymore (as if I’ve DONE anything before).”
• “I’ll never figure out how to support myself…too much time has passed for me to be viable to anyone.”
• “I’ll be stuck living in a home that has an explosion around every corner for the rest of my life.”
• “My husband never loved me anyway. Who really could?”
• “Why can’t I pull myself up by my bootstraps and fix this?”
• “Why am I so alone when I know people love me?”
• “What is my incompetence doing to my boys?”
• “How smart is it to put all (or almost all) of my stupid thoughts online for everyone and Will to read? If he’s so damn manipulative, then why do I feel compelled to give him ammunition for an assault?”
• “All I DO is sit around and cry either internally or externally. I try to cover up the pain with stupid television shows and thinking that maybe one day I will be someone real. The only thing I’m accomplishing is wasting time, emotion, energy, thoughts, and the lives of myself and the children I claim to love.”

I’m feeling so shitty; I want to stop feeling. I want to stop thinking. I want to stop.

I’m reading How to Keep People From Pushing Your Buttons (Albert Ellis, Ph.D. and Arthur Lange, Ed.D.; Citadel; January 1, 1995; ISBN-10: 0806516704). In it, the authors identify three common ways people think when confronted with button-pushing people or situations and one alternative and healthier way to think.

In the last post, I wrote:

“Or maybe it’s me blaming myself for NOT seeing this coming. Maybe it’s me thinking that no matter what I do “right” it’s going to end up hurting me in some way in the end.”

When I thought that, I felt overwhelmed, ineffective, and doomed. Those feelings are NOT going to help me confront or stop my codependence (or any other problem). Those feelings are going to put me into “victim mode” and I’m oh so tired of being “the victim”.

The authors write that the way I perceive a problem governs my reaction to it. The way I THINK determines how I FEEL.

When I perceive a situation as catastrophic, it inhibits my ability to deal with it effectively. Catastrophic thinking is basically asking “What if…?” and then answering the question with “That would be AWFUL!” instead of thinking about what I could do IF that scenario were to happen.

For example, when I think that no matter what I do I’m going to be hurt, I’m saying “What if I do what I think is right but I end up hurt?! That would be horrible!”

Notice that “That would be horrible!” does not answer the question in any way…in fact, “That would be horrible!” only leads to increased feelings of doom. There is no plan, there is no thinking, “Well, I’ll cross that bridge if I come to it” or “I’ll be capable of handling the pain if it happens.”

The other statement, “Or maybe it’s me blaming myself for NOT seeing this coming,” is called “shoulding all over yourself” by Ellis and Lange. So long as I’m busy feeling bad for things I “should have” known or done, then I’m not able to move forward with actual problem solving. If I’m busy blaming myself, then I’m in the past and reliving the incident instead of being in the present and deciding what to do about it.

Okay. That’s all I can write for tonight. I want to tell you about the “healthier alternative” to “stinking thinking” but it’s going to have to wait.

One, I have a horrible head cold and cough and the daytime pain medication is swiftly wearing off. I think swallowing all this mucus is making my stomach roll and all I really want to do is crawl into bed and stop thinking AT ALL.

Two, the effort to explain the healthier thinking and then to transform MY thinking will require more energy than I feel I can give right now.

I’ll update tomorrow.

Sweet dreams.

Toward the end of my session with my new therapist (whose apology I readily accepted for the mix-up the other day), she mentioned codependence.

I reacted as I felt at the time…I am willing to accept my participation in my abusive marriage. I know I must be codependent to have been in it for so long, but the word “codependent” makes me feel frightened. To be codependent on top of all the other feelings and thoughts I’ve recently discovered in myself is almost too much to bear.

Instead of being able to dump 17 years of bad feelings onto one person, codependence forces me to acknowledge my part in this abusive marriage. The word is especially frightening to me because I don’t yet understand exactly what it means to be codependent or what it will take to stop being that way. I want to pretend that getting him to change into a nicer man will end the torment within myself even though I know it won’t work that way.

I think the main reason why I’m still hanging around this shell of a marriage is that even if the marriage is dissolved and I exile him to the fringes of my new life, the problem is still front and center for me. The problem with me IS me. 

The problem with me is me, but the solutions I need are also in me. To find them, I have to trust me – but then I’m back at the beginning, aren’t I? I don’t trust myself at all, which is part of the reason why I let him tell me who I was from the start.

The little kid in me wants to shout, “It’s not fair!” and run away fast and hard. I want to put all the blame on HIM. I want HIM to be the Big Bad Wolf and leave me to be the little pig who had the foresight to build a brick house, light the fire, put on the pot, and plop on the lid when Big Bad finally falls down the chimney.

Let me take a second to relish that image…now do the lil’ pig jig…now sit down breathless and happy…then look around the room at the two idiots I’m now stuck with because I was just too smart.

OMG! What the hell is that all about? [sigh]

Maybe it’s nothing.

Or maybe it’s me blaming myself for NOT seeing this coming. Maybe it’s me thinking that no matter what I do “right” it’s going to end up hurting me in some way in the end.

It’s that “stinking thinking” that the book I’m reading talks about!  I’ll explain in the next post –>

“How do I stop my partners emotional bullying from affecting me?”

Read the answers at experienceproject.com - I didn’t find one that suited me. But this is what I would tell anyone who asked me that question:

“YOU CAN NOT FIX HIM !! NO MATTER HOW MUCH CRAP YOU TAKE FROM HIM WILL NOT MAKE HIM BETTER…If you are broken you cannot do what you were meant to do with your life.” ~tinyhottie

So why am I reluctant to take “my own” advice?

Still on the topic of my husband and whether he reads my blogs or not. He says that he can read my blog when he pretends that it’s not me writing it. He says that he takes it too personally when he reads it as if I am the author. He says that he wants to educate himself, that my blog and site “would be” very educational to people who also ”think” they have an abuse problem. He also says it reads as if men are the only abusers, and he would like to see that changed.

He has never addressed any specific post or even acknowledged that my writing has “helped” HIM at all. Although he finds it “educational,” I can’t help but wonder what is so educational about it, from his point of view.

I mean, if he pretends that I’m not the author, then why read it? If he doesn’t want to gain a heads up on what I’m thinking, then why read it?

That’s when it hit me. “His wife” would NEVER publicize these private things online, nor would she think twice about living the way he prescribes to her.

“She” would remain silent except to call him in for lunch, dinner conversation, and maybe some light concern about finances or the children. She would enjoy sex whenever he was in the mood and turn her own libido off. She would “let him be himself” by realizing that his temper, ideas about what a wife IS, and the fact that he works his ass off for his family is ENOUGH. She wouldn’t ask him to call when he was going to be late, or admonish him for driving drunk. She would love him for “who he is” and appreciate that he loves her in his own way.

And “his wife” would not, could not, feel or think the way the author of this blog feels and thinks.

You know, I’ve never ever ever hidden or locked up my journals at my home. I told him once that he could read my journal if he wanted to. In fact, I was DYING for him to invade my privacy. Dying for him to WANT to know what I thought about him, our marriage, our children, and even what I thought about when I wasn’t filling the role of “wife” or “mother.”

He never read them. He didn’t want to know.

I doubt he reads this blog either. Why would he?