This Might Do the Trick
In the last post, I wrote about how my current handling of my relationship with Marc, my 16 year old son, was NOT working.
Upon close examination, I see how I contribute to the “bad” parts of our relationship.
One, I grounded Marc from his computer and phone for 5 days because he was belligerant toward me. Simple, calm, done. HOWEVER, three days later, I told him he could have his computer back AFTER he did the yard work.
In the future, if I’ve grounded Marc from one of his possessions, then I will consider that possession “out of bounds” for him AND for me. I will not tell him he can have it back early IF he does something I expect of him.
By keeping the items off-limits for both of us, I will not have thoughts like:
- “He SHOULD do what I ask because he will benefit from it.” That thought can lead to feelings of disappointment and to me “shoulding” on him by assuming I know his motivations.
- “I must somehow buy his cooperation.” That thought is codependent for me because I have a habit of trying to buy people’s love and respect by giving them things or doing things for them that I think they’ll like. Too often, when I try to buy someone, they do not do whatever I expect in return, and that leads to a hornet’s nest of unhealthy thinking which leads to unhealthy feelings and actions.
- “I was wrong for punishing my son and I want him to love me.” Guess what? He loves me anyway, and I do need to use punishments at times. Responsible parenting calls for it.
Two, I offered extensions of time when the deadline came for him to do the yardwork, meaning I allowed him to dictate my behavior through his actions. This also means that I ASSUMED to know what his actions were intended to “mean” and that the actions were intended to “mean” anything!
In the future, I will not offer extensions of time IF I have previously set a deadline. Instead, I will say, “I told you to do X by [time]. You didn’t do as I asked, so now I will ____________.”
By making requests, setting deadlines if appropriate, and handing out appropriate punishment when necessary, I will avoid the desire to assume I know what Marc is thinking. When I stop assuming that Marc’s actions “mean” something, then I will save myself the drama that ASSUMING creates in my own mind.
In addition, if I use the above formula, then Marc has two opportunities to let me know what he thinks about the request and what his preferences are (at the time of the request and in the duration between the request and the deadline). IF he is able to change my mind by offering an alternative to the request or whatever, then we don’t argue or fight, and Marc feels “heard” even if he doesn’t get what he wants. We both come out happy.
The deadline may be “NOW” and that is okay. I will allow discussion IF and only IF Marc is not belligerant and defiant. IF he is belligerant, I will tell him he’s being belligerant and give him a chance to back up. If he doesn’t regroup, I will punish him appropriately.
A LOT, if not MOST, of the problems I’m having with Marc can be erased if I keep my own thinking in check. I will learn to catch myself “assuming” things. I will learn to catch myself “arguing” with my kid. I will learn to catch myself “buying” love and respect. And I will learn ways to stop those behaviors IN MYSELF.
Most of all, I will learn to be consistent with my boys; my assumptions and thoughts/emotions and choice of actions are the current problems, and I am capable of controlling all of those things. I am hoping that once they learn what they can expect from this “new” me, then many of our relationship issues will clear up ALMOST by magic.
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