Why I’m Staying
I’m staying because I realized something yesterday. I can point to only TWO times since August 2008 when I truly felt at peace.
- When my department of social services counselor told me that I didn’t have to be ready to leave right now.
- When I finally downloaded and read Back from the Looking Glass by Kim & Steve Cooper yesterday.
Both of those instances reassured me that although the experts are certain that my abuser’s behaviors will never change – can never change – that I do not have to believe them. Both of those instances let me see the light, straight and bright, between myself and god.
I do not HAVE to leave my husband in hope of creating a happy life. I’ve felt that from the beginning. I’ve felt it strongly and to my very core.
I’ve also felt that “all those experts” telling me to leave were not seeing the whole picture. They saw me as codependent (which I am) and him as abusive (which he is), but they could never see the compassion and love (real love, not codependent love) I have for Will, or the greater love I have for keeping my family TOGETHER.
It’s like the professionals got lost in the books and research, losing the ability to see beyond a label.
- “Codependent”. Codependents don’t know who they are or what they want; in their desire to please others codependents cannot think for or know themselves, and continually fuel the fire in order to keep themselves insulated from doing the work required to create authenticity and wholenss of self.
- “Abuser.” Abusers have a massive psychological web of problems to which they want to turn a blind eye that pretending they and their families are other than they are to the extent of abusing themselves and others to live that fantasy is the end-all of the abuser’s existence.
I am not that “book” co-dependent, and I refuse the lable. I refuse the idea that I must BE alone in order to LEARN TO BE myself. I refuse the idea that I cannot face the abusive behaviors of my husband without further “losing” myself or my ability to function as a REAL, authentic human being.
I am not saying that “codependency” does not relate to me at all. Neither do I mean that I am willing to stay codependent on this abusive drama I’ve helped to create for myself.
I will be doing a lot of work in the realm of codependency, as well as finding solutions to DEALING WITH my husband’s abusive techniques. It takes two participants to play this sick game we’ve got going on in my home. What will happen when I simply stop playing?
Well, here are some possibilities:
- My husband’s ”shock” of having his game-partner leave the court mid-set could leave him floundering, searching for answers and with the realization that the old rules do not apply. He could either start playing by new rules, or he could adhere so strongly to the old ones that he leaves me for someone else.
- The same “shock” could throw him into a physically abusive rage (for which I have a safety plan and am cultivating the trust in my own judgment which I’ll need to escape it).
- The stress of living by my own new rules could become overwhelming, but I am cultivating the ability to learn HOW to calm myself and deciding on WHEN “enough is enough” and an extended break to recoup my strength would help. (Can anyone say, “vacation by myself in some cool location?!”)
- The stress of living with his abusive outbreaks could throw me out of whack with my goals to treat myself right…The key is to learn to recognize my own stress and formulate ways in which to deal with it in healthy ways.
If physical abuse occurs, I will STILL have to decide whether to stay or go, and I know that. HOWEVER, making the decision to stay in absence of physical abuse and with the inclination to limit and eradicate the verbal and emotional abuse, helps to stabilize my emotions and stop playing the WHAT IF game ad nauseum.
My emotions are real AND important AND valuable. I will continue to honor and to feel them. From now on, I’m going to make every effort to THINK before ACTING on them.
Wish me luck, and please stay close. I need you. (See, that’s codependence! LOL) Let me restate it:
Wish me luck, and please stay close. I value you very much and do not WANT to do this by myself. But I will, if and when I must.
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Back from the Looking Glass by Kim & Steve Cooper is the ebook I referenced above. I am not sure at this time whether I recommend it or not as I’ve just downloaded it myself. Kim’s story is a compelling one, and I’m hoping that in the near future, my results will be similar to hers.
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July 30th, 2009 at 10:33 AM
I certainly understand all that you are saying. I can identify completely. I too, am in a VERY verbally abusive and controlling marriage. I on more than one occasion have just wanted to run and take the easy way out, but I am a fighter and I want my marriage to work. I adore my husband although, I honestly can’t give any reasons why. I have three year old son I am terrified of repeating his dads patterns, but more terrified if I leave it will tear his world apart. I’ve seen the good side of my husband, but not in a while. I too am trying to stay calm and rely upon my own instincts to conquer this demon that has invaded our lives. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you. Leanne
July 31st, 2009 at 12:36 PM
Leanne, I hope the best for you. I’m a fighter, too. I’m learning that the battles I used to fight were the wrong battles. They were wrong because they fed the demon and no “victory” went unpunished. It’s good that you’re seeing the abuse now while your son is so young; when my oldest was 3, I was thinking everything was my fault.
Here’s to discerning which battles to fight and which battles are diversions! [wine glass clink*]
September 22nd, 2011 at 6:25 PM
I guess this is about 2 years after the original posting. I hope you have some way of knowing that a new comment has been added. How did it work out. Did enough change to make worthwhile. Do you think other couples can make it work. What is your advice for them?
September 22nd, 2011 at 7:16 PM
Curious, I distinctly remember feeling the way I did when I wrote this post. I was defiant, determined to “make it work” through my own actions.
Just like with relationship troubles, relationship victories “take two to tango”. In order for my plan to work, he needed to participate in ending HIS part of the abusive cycle.
He refused to do that.
In the end, he flew into an abusive rage and I left the marriage.
In reviewing the options I gave, not one of them was a positive one for me. In the end, leaving was my only solution.
Advice for other couples? If the abuser is willing to completely change their behavior and mental coping mechanisms, and the victim is willing to do the same, AND they receive individual and marital counseling, then maybe there’s hope for the relationship.
However, during the course of counseling, one or both may realize that too much damage was done and it cannot be repaired in this lifetime. I feel that would have been the outcome for me and my ex if he’d wanted to change…
The best advice I can offer is to the victim: do the hard work on your own, come up with a safety plan “just in case”, and learn to detach from the abuse. But fair warning: you may find that you spend so much time detaching from the abuse (and the abuser) that there is no true relationship to stay within.
After all of that, my heart is screaming to tell you to LEAVE. Just go. Your leaving will do two things: give you time to think for yourself and distance from the abuser. You need both of those things more than you realize.