Waiting for a Hero
I think I’m beginning to understand what codependence is all about. I received an email today with the line “And do you sometimes feel that you are wanting a hero to come and rescue you and help you with the more practical aspects of living that might be falling apart? Maybe it’s time for a reality check?”
Hell yeah. That’s what I’m waiting for. God, a dead relative, some divine intervention…even one of the nanny’s from Nanny 911 would work. SOMEONE, anyone, who could fix me is who I want.
Perhaps that’s why I gravitated to Will in the first place. He seemed to have all the answers and all the confidence in the world to go along with them.
As I live in the feeling that I’m not good enough, I’m trying really hard to listen to what I’m thinking.
And what I’m thinking is,
- “The house is a mess, it’s got to be perfect before he gets home or another neighbor comes to visit.”
- “The boys don’t respect me.”
- “I can’t DO this anymore (as if I’ve DONE anything before).”
- “I’ll never figure out how to support myself…too much time has passed for me to be viable to anyone.”
- “I’ll be stuck living in a home that has an explosion around every corner for the rest of my life.”
- “My husband never loved me anyway. Who really could?”
- “Why can’t I pull myself up by my bootstraps and fix this?”
- “Why am I so alone when I know people love me?”
- “What is my incompetence doing to my boys?”
- “How smart is it to put all (or almost all) of my stupid thoughts online for everyone and Will to read? If he’s so damn manipulative, then why do I feel compelled to give him ammunition for an assault?”
- “All I DO is sit around and cry either internally or externally. I try to cover up the pain with stupid television shows and thinking that maybe one day I will be someone real. The only thing I’m accomplishing is wasting time, emotion, energy, thoughts, and the lives of myself and the children I claim to love.”
I’m feeling so shitty; I want to stop feeling. I want to stop thinking. I want to stop.
Possibly Related Posts:
- Murder Suicide
- Bouncy Ball
- Conflicting Thoughts After Leaving Abusive Husband
- What would you do with omnipotence?
- Jennifer’s Abuse Testimonial
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July 18th, 2009 at 12:59 PM
blog_update Waiting for a Hero: I’m feeling so shitty; I want to stop feeling. I want to stop thinkin.. http://bit.ly/OCpbO
July 18th, 2009 at 3:15 PM
I know you hear yourself, your thoughts, your pain. Take a look from the other side of the looking glass–what I’m hearing is:
“I feel compelled to please others, so I feel I must make my house immaculate. My standards are not my own.” Is your house really that bad? (mine is and i’m okay with that! LOL)
“The boys seems to have lost respect for me. How can I get that back?” (i’m there too!)
“I’m tired, physically, mentally, emotionally. Working through all of this is hard work.” (me too)
“I feel discouraged about my skill set and want to be marketable.” (you are! look deep inside, you have so much to offer. i felt this way, and gussied up the gumption to jump back into it after 8 years. it’s scary, but it can be done. don’t second guess yourself.)
“I fear that I’ll be stuck living in a home that has an explosion around every corner for the rest of my life. AND I DON’T WANT THAT…I DESERVE BETTER.” (nodding my head–me too!)
“I don’t feel lovable. Why would someone treat me this way if I were lovable? Wait? Do I have to be lovable for someone to love me?” (you are lovable…we love our kids even when they disappoint us, right? we deserve the same kind of love)
“I feel powerless and don’t want to do this alone. I need strength and determination.” (you have this deep down inside, you’ve shared that through your blog, your videos…and you are not alone)
“Why do I feel alone? Am not letting those who love me in?” (when i’m embarrassed about my life, shamed by the hurt and abuse, i close myself off to others too)
“Am I damaging my boy’s self esteem & values for life by subjecting them to this life we have now?” (maybe…but can we change that? show them a better way? we still have the opportunity to raise great men.
)
“Am I really afraid of what he things of what he reads? Is what I’m writing really helping others?” (maybe you are…but yes, it is helping others…a great and noble thing your bravery is!)
“I need to cry, to let it out. I need to refocus on the lives of myself and the children I dearly love.” (me too.)
Huge Hugs to you, my dear new friend.
July 19th, 2009 at 3:57 PM
Randomly K, you have no idea how important your response is to me. I saved it on my new blackberry so I can re-read it often!
When I read it, I absolutely broke down and cried and cried and cried. But at the end of the tears, I felt better and stronger than I have in a long time.
[I started writing some other stuff here, but then decided I'd put it in a blog post instead]
RK, you are undoubtedly my friend and I am so glad that we’ve found each other. Thank you for your feedback, and thank you for being you.
July 30th, 2009 at 1:36 PM
Kellie,
I missed this post when you put it up. Like so many of us, you seem to be suffering what Dr. Francine Shapiro terms ‘little t’ trauma, and its accompanying depression. This is what chronic emotional abuse does: it traumatizes.
At MTRadio we are blessed, delighted, and excited by Dr. Shapiro’s upcoming appearance. She’ll overview trauma in women, and share with us the wonders of her EMDR treatment. It’s truly restorative! From the first treatment forward, relief emanates.
A list of practitioners by state can be found at her website, http://www.emdr.com
Love,
Martha
July 31st, 2009 at 12:47 PM
Holy cow! That site has SO much information on it. I’m impressed with one statement in particular on the home page that reads,”Department of Veterans Affairs and Department of Defense (2004). VA/DoD Clinical Practice Guideline for the Management of Post-Traumatic Stress. Washington, DC. – EMDR was placed in the “A” category as “strongly recommended” for the treatment of trauma.”
I’m going to contact military one source to see if there are any clinicians available to me.
Right now, I’m going to go listen to the show!
February 12th, 2010 at 8:53 PM
kellie,
Months later, your words are here to validate reality to you, and all of us….
MTR, thanks for this info, I REALLY think I need to check this info out on the site…saving this page to my fav….xoxoxox To you Kellie!