Stinking Thinking
I’m reading How to Keep People From Pushing Your Buttons (Albert Ellis, Ph.D. and Arthur Lange, Ed.D.; Citadel; January 1, 1995; ISBN-10: 0806516704). In it, the authors identify three common ways people think when confronted with button-pushing people or situations and one alternative and healthier way to think.
In the last post, I wrote:
“Or maybe it’s me blaming myself for NOT seeing this coming. Maybe it’s me thinking that no matter what I do “right” it’s going to end up hurting me in some way in the end.”
When I thought that, I felt overwhelmed, ineffective, and doomed. Those feelings are NOT going to help me confront or stop my codependence (or any other problem). Those feelings are going to put me into “victim mode” and I’m oh so tired of being “the victim”.
The authors write that the way I perceive a problem governs my reaction to it. The way I THINK determines how I FEEL.
When I perceive a situation as catastrophic, it inhibits my ability to deal with it effectively. Catastrophic thinking is basically asking “What if…?” and then answering the question with “That would be AWFUL!” instead of thinking about what I could do IF that scenario were to happen.
For example, when I think that no matter what I do I’m going to be hurt, I’m saying “What if I do what I think is right but I end up hurt?! That would be horrible!”
Notice that “That would be horrible!” does not answer the question in any way…in fact, “That would be horrible!” only leads to increased feelings of doom. There is no plan, there is no thinking, “Well, I’ll cross that bridge if I come to it” or “I’ll be capable of handling the pain if it happens.”
The other statement, “Or maybe it’s me blaming myself for NOT seeing this coming,” is called “shoulding all over yourself” by Ellis and Lange. So long as I’m busy feeling bad for things I “should have” known or done, then I’m not able to move forward with actual problem solving. If I’m busy blaming myself, then I’m in the past and reliving the incident instead of being in the present and deciding what to do about it.
Okay. That’s all I can write for tonight. I want to tell you about the “healthier alternative” to “stinking thinking” but it’s going to have to wait.
One, I have a horrible head cold and cough and the daytime pain medication is swiftly wearing off. I think swallowing all this mucus is making my stomach roll and all I really want to do is crawl into bed and stop thinking AT ALL.
Two, the effort to explain the healthier thinking and then to transform MY thinking will require more energy than I feel I can give right now.
I’ll update tomorrow.
Sweet dreams.
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July 15th, 2009 at 10:58 PM
blog_update Stinking Thinking: I’m reading How to Keep People From Pushing Your Buttons (Albert.. http://bit.ly/11u0Gn
July 16th, 2009 at 9:39 PM
Oh, sister. So much thinking. What about “feeling”? What do you FEEL?
I have been reading all of your posts since you returned home. It is like you were away and when you got back, you had to let it all out.
I don’t know what to say to them – except that I AM reading them; and I don’t want you to hurt. So badly, I don’t want you to hurt.
July 18th, 2009 at 1:17 PM
What I feel is hurt. I’m trying to get out of all this “feeling” but the thinking part is screwed up too. I do “feel” and I need a break from it. I’m breaking into tears every few minutes, but when I try to “let it out” the tears freeze up and sit in my sinuses – squishy, penetrating, and painful.
The pain is not about HIM though. It’s about the situation I’ve put myself into via playing the co-dependent role. I don’t even know if I can function without being codependent. Without waiting and hoping for someone, anyone to rescue me. To tell me what to do. To “fix” this for me.
I don’t know how to function on my own.
Oh – there dropped a tear…