My Verbally Abusive Marriage

Two days ago, I was journalling (for myself, not online) and I wrote, “I want self-running systems!” Eventually, my self-running systems will include paying the housekeeper and the chef! Regardless, I am a part of these systems (even if I’m just writing the check!) and there are some things that simply MUST be done.

So I started wondering about the lack of help I have for housecleaning. The boys have chores, but it has always been very difficult to get them to do their chores. I would end up feeling unappreciated and frustrated, plus, I would do their chores because “someone has to do it.”

I had attached my feelings of self-worth, mothering ability, and even whether I was loved or not on whether TWO TEENAGERS did their chores or not. Ridiculous (in hindsight).

My boys’ willingness to do their chores is not a direct reflection of MY WORTH. Chores are not my testing system to gauge whether the boys love me or not. They are going to love me whether or not they do their chores!

Back to self-running systems, I want my boys to be a part of maintaining the household. Problem is, they have not been motivated to be part of this system. I’ve always felt that 1, kids “should” do common chores because they’re living here and 2, we didn’t have the money to pay out for allowances anyway.

Turns out, both ideas are untrue to some extent.

Thinking back to my teenage years, I could care less what my house looked like or how clean it was. The only time our home’s condition entered my mind was when my father said things like, “Your mother knows how to keep a pig sty,” or “I’m sick of living in this crap.” [Nice, eh?] Point is that it doesn’t really matter if I think the boys “should” pitch in. Fact is, my boys obviously don’t see our home like I do.

So they need some motivation.

I’ve tried the whole “I won’t punish you if you do it” thing, but I find that to be stressful and unrewarding for both the boys and me.

So, I’ve set up a weekly system of chores, letting them choose for the most part what chores to do on which days. (Neither of them sees any reason to clean a bathroom once a week, but I held tight because BOYS ARE MESSY and SLIGHTLY STINKY! lol)

This system includes a small reward every four days when their chore completion average is 95% or better, medium reward every 32 days for a 90% completion rate, and a larger reward every 96 days for an 85% completion rate. On average, I’ll be giving out $40/month per kid with a slightly larger “kicker” every three months.

The cool part is that the “kicker” doesn’t have to be worth any certain dollar amount. But I do have to know what it is they want well in advance so I can prepare for it. I want the major motivators to be things the boys have been denied the opportunity to do in the past.

Mostly, I’ve used the excuse “You don’t do your chores, so why would I give you those lessons, that game, etc.?” Not fair to them at all because there was no way to know how much of their chores they HAD done and the judgment was left on the shoulders of their moody, miserable mother. Me.

In fact, on the cover of our chore binder (called “Home Goals and Motivations”), it says “To stop Mama from going ballistic for no reason.” And that’s how the boys have viewed me…crazy angry without reason. The other statement says, “To ensure Marc and Eddie receive due praise for being the great boys they are.”

Both statements are funny and kind for the boys, but they’re actually reminders for me. I did use chores as an excuse to deny all sorts of attention and praise and I did lose my temper with them instead of dealing with what I was really angry about.

Now I have a tool to refer to (the HG&M book) that lets the boys earn their own motivators IF they choose. I’ll dole out appropriate punishment in a matter of fact way every 32 days IF the boy is keeping a sub-par percentage. Otherwise, except for the nightly matter-of-fact inspection, I don’t think about the chores at all.

Good for me, good for them.

And, by the way, I listed MY chores (including my financial duties, major housecleaning tasks, appointment and scheduling, etc.), scheduled them, and rely on the boys to “grade” me, too. This way, I stay on track because I want to set a good example, and my boys get to see a small sample of everything I actually DO around here. And, the best part, I get motivating rewards, too!

So, my first self-running system is working VERY well. I’m way less stressed and angry, I know what I have scheduled as far as household duties, I feel accountable for performing my duties, I get prizes for keeping up my end of the deal, and I’m keeping the idea that chore-performance does not equate to love in my mind.

I hope the boys feel the same.

Went to Harry Potter 3-D at the IMAX today. Loved it! But now, we have to wait until 10:30 and go up to the hospital for an appointment. Yes, an appointment at 11:30PM. Hey, it’s better than waking up at 6 and getting on the phone to HOPEFULLY get an appointment. Marc’s ear is infected, that’s all.

I’ll write tomorrow. Good night!

Martha Trowbridge Radio has posted a new show!

Achieving Happiness, Despite Life With The Crazy-Making Husband with guest Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, creator of The Enchanted Self.

Kim speaks about her husband:

“I really think that was where my thinking had to turn around completely is when I realized I was going to have to save you—that you weren’t going to be able to save me. 

“I was going to have to really grow up myself, really strengthen myself, really get as much support from the people around me as I could, and really start drawing some very strong boundaries that I wasn’t going to let you cross, but also in a way that was very accepting.” ~ from Love Safety Net, “Take The Pressure Off“

I’m trying to plan for my husband’s homecoming.

When he comes home, I think he’ll be in denial and not really willing to examine our mess. I think we’ll have some really tough days, and I think I’m going to have to do exactly as Kim says in her second paragraph in order for Will to actually get to a place where he feels comfortable enough to let go of his “show”.

It’s taken me a long time to understand that the “nice guy” facade is a show. My husband isn’t really a nice guy. He pretends to be a nice guy everywhere in the world, and when he comes home, he wants to let down his guard. He wants to “be himself”.

Unfortunately, when faced with me and the kids and my expectation that he treat us with respect and kindness…well, he just can’t take the pressure. He “needs” to be a whiny, irrational brat SOMEWHERE, and if he can’t “be himself” at home without repercussion, then where does that leave him? It leaves him in a highly exaggerated state of anger, that’s where.

I agree with Kim in that my husband isn’t really an adult in many ways. Somewhere before me, his emotional growth was stunted and he still, in some ways, acts like a 6 year old. And hey, I know I’m codependent, so maybe I’m a 6 year old, too. But that can’t last too much longer – my inner mama is teaching me better.

One part of my plan to end the abuse is in dismanteling his public persona. No, I’m not going to go around town diminishing him as a man or husband. I’m not going to bad-mouth him to friends. I’m not going to be mean and nasty to combat his anger.

I’m simply going to be me, but me with support and without shame. I’m not going to let any of his bad behavior slide, and I will contact my network for support even if that means he gets attention he doesn’t want from the Army or law enforcement.

If you read the transcript or listen to Kim and Steve’s show, then you’ll understand more of what I’m talking about.

In the last post, I wrote about how my current handling of my relationship with Marc, my 16 year old son, was NOT working.

Upon close examination, I see how I contribute to the “bad” parts of our relationship.

One, I grounded Marc from his computer and phone for 5 days because he was belligerant toward me. Simple, calm, done. HOWEVER, three days later, I told him he could have his computer back AFTER he did the yard work.

In the future, if I’ve grounded Marc from one of his possessions, then I will consider that possession “out of bounds” for him AND for me. I will not tell him he can have it back early IF he does something I expect of him.

By keeping the items off-limits for both of us, I will not have thoughts like:

• “He SHOULD do what I ask because he will benefit from it.” That thought can lead to feelings of disappointment and to me “shoulding” on him by assuming I know his motivations.
• “I must somehow buy his cooperation.” That thought is codependent for me because I have a habit of trying to buy people’s love and respect by giving them things or doing things for them that I think they’ll like. Too often, when I try to buy someone, they do not do whatever I expect in return, and that leads to a hornet’s nest of unhealthy thinking which leads to unhealthy feelings and actions.
• “I was wrong for punishing my son and I want him to love me.” Guess what? He loves me anyway, and I do need to use punishments at times. Responsible parenting calls for it.

Two, I offered extensions of time when the deadline came for him to do the yardwork, meaning I allowed him to dictate my behavior through his actions. This also means that I ASSUMED to know what his actions were intended to “mean” and that the actions were intended to “mean” anything!

In the future, I will not offer extensions of time IF I have previously set a deadline. Instead, I will say, “I told you to do X by [time]. You didn’t do as I asked, so now I will ____________.”

By making requests, setting deadlines if appropriate, and handing out appropriate punishment when necessary, I will avoid the desire to assume I know what Marc is thinking. When I stop assuming that Marc’s actions “mean” something, then I will save myself the drama that ASSUMING creates in my own mind.

In addition, if I use the above formula, then Marc has two opportunities to let me know what he thinks about the request and what his preferences are (at the time of the request and in the duration between the request and the deadline). IF he is able to change my mind by offering an alternative to the request or whatever, then we don’t argue or fight, and Marc feels “heard” even if he doesn’t get what he wants. We both come out happy.

The deadline may be “NOW” and that is okay. I will allow discussion IF and only IF Marc is not belligerant and defiant. IF he is belligerant, I will tell him he’s being belligerant and give him a chance to back up. If he doesn’t regroup, I will punish him appropriately.

A LOT, if not MOST, of the problems I’m having with Marc can be erased if I keep my own thinking in check. I will learn to catch myself “assuming” things. I will learn to catch myself “arguing” with my kid. I will learn to catch myself “buying” love and respect. And I will learn ways to stop those behaviors IN MYSELF.

Most of all, I will learn to be consistent with my boys; my assumptions and thoughts/emotions and choice of actions are the current problems, and I am capable of controlling all of those things. I am hoping that once they learn what they can expect from this “new” me, then many of our relationship issues will clear up ALMOST by magic.

I want my son to help his grandfather care for the yard by weed-eating. Two days ago, I told him that I wanted him to do this before Grandaddy started mowing on Saturday.

He didn’t do it, but that was okay. Friday would be fine.

Friday comes, Marc sleeps late and rolls around the house the rest of the day doing nothing. He doesn’t weed eat the yard. I know he’s going to have to tend to it Saturday morning, and I tell him so.

This morning, he rolled out of bed at 10 AM. He made a sandwich and was snippy with his little brother. Grandaddy is already outside mowing the yard.

I ignore the snippishness, but it irritates me. This kid is moody and through his attitude and actions “demands” the rest of us to respect his mood, but seeming not to respect or care about either his brother or me.

I tell him that after he eats his sandwich, he needs to go outside and weed-eat. I’m feeling irritated and taken advantage of, but I say nothing about THAT because, really, who cares? I want Marc to do as he’s told.

Later, I ask Marc if he’s ready to go to the yard.

“No. I’m drinking coffee.” It’s 10:38.

I tell him he has until 11AM, then he’s to be in the yard. He wants to debate it. “It doesn’t matter if I go out now or not. Grandaddy’s already mowing the yard. I can go out later.” – I cut him off and say,

“No, you’ve had two days to do it. Now you need to be outside by 11.”

He says, “See? You cut me off! I’m not arguing but you’re going to turn this into an argument!”

“Go get ready to be outside by 11,” I said. He said something else, but I ignored it. I sat here thinking, “Here we go again…why can’t he JUST DO AS HE’S TOLD?!” and feeling angrier and thinking about how little control over my kid I have; in short, beating myself up for not “being” better as a mother.

These thoughts occupy my attention even as I try to focus on something else.

11 comes around and I go to check on what he’s doing. The kid is in the shower. I think, “ANYTHING to NOT do what I’ve told him to do.” I internally yell in frustration, walk away from the door, and promise myself to grab him up as soon as he’s out of the shower.

11:23, I find him sitting on the couch, dressed and drinking water. “Marc, get outside and weed-eat the yard.”

“I’m drinking water,” he says.

“I see that. Take it with you.” I decide to not leave the room or his side until I know he’s on his way out the door. I’m thinking that all he needs are his shoes as he walks down the hall…and passes them. That ticks me off.

“What shoes are you wearing?” I ask instead. He ignores me as he walks into his room. I walk toward his room as he comes out, passes me without saying a word, and grabs his mp3 player out of his brother’s room.

He finally puts on his shoes, and exited the door at 11:25. I have the sneaking suspicion he only went out there because today is the day he’s set to get his computer and phone back from a grounding 5 days ago.

I’m irritated because he wants to debate everything. I’m irritated because I’ve “given in” two times by extending his “getting ready” time at his request. I’m also irritated because I told him two days ago that he could have his computer back AFTER he worked in the yard, and I THOUGHT he would be motivated to get out there ASAP instead of waiting for SATURDAY morning!

I’m disappointed because of his choice of inaction on my request, the feeling of being taken advantage of by giving the “extensions,” thinking that he ignored me purposefully,…on and on.

And I’m still unable to focus on what I want (something good for me), so I came here to write and maybe find out how I can handle not only Marc but my own feelings and thoughts concerning him.

The next post will have to take care of the “problem” (I hope).

I would have celebrated my 100th post if I had realized that the last post was the 100th! Instead I’ll celebrate it now.

I realized that my 100th post is an important one to me. I was able to share MY foundation and support system with another woman and with the readers of my blog, and I realize that I actually have a support system to share! 100 posts ago, I didn’t have a support network at all…and now look at me!

YAY Kellie (<- That’s me)! I have a support system that will serve me well and GROW as time progresses.

Back when I started this blog, I did not have any support system at all. I was floundering, losing heart, and hurting without knowing why I was hurting so badly. I knew “it” was abuse, but I didn’t know that I could overcome it.

Now, I have faith that I can overcome my part in the abuse and that I will emerge as the healthy, glowing person I’m meant to be.

Is that my cocoon I hear cracking? You all keep on pulling from the outside, and I’ll keep chiseling away from in here.

Thank you.

Today I was contacted by a local woman who’s husband is abusing her. She gave me her phone number, and I was able to call her.

The woman, let’s call her Margaret, sounded strong and vibrant. Her voice did not betray the drama going on in her home. She was in the home of someone supportive of her. I am happy that she has a safe place to go, but disheartened to hear that her abuser is trying to make anywhere EXCEPT his and her home “dangerous” for her to visit or to retreat.

I mean, he’s threatening her with all sorts of things of course, but he’s focusing on keeping her a prisoner in her home. He threatens to charge her with child abandonment if she leaves the house.

Margaret is at her wit’s end because she has no support system outside of her family; her abuser’s threats always leave a shadow of a doubt…she “knows” the threats are senseless and meaningless, but what if he’s telling the truth?

Margaret’s abuser is a soldier, and a good one judging by the support HE is getting from his command. The classic “good guy” persona is working its magic for him.

Fortunately, I think I was able to give Margaret some information concerning people within and out of the military who can help her to start building her support system…laying a foundation of both support and education that will help her (as it has me). Of course I could only tell her about “my” support system and how I started building it. I only hope that it works for Margaret as it has for me.

First, I talked with Victim’s Advocacy on post. I found out how I can make a report without sending it straight to his unit’s command if I wanted. This means that I can get the help I need without involving my husband’s boss (a luxury civilians have is keeping work and home separate; without victim’s advocacy, there is no separation of work and home for military families). If you’re military, you can find out about the Victim’s Advocates through the Military Police department, and you can receive help through them even if you live off post.

Secondly, I talked with the “head guy” of domestic violence at the Sheriff’s department. I asked questions about how the police handled domestic disputes and how to get the help I needed even if my husband appeared to be the “victim” of domestic abuse when the patrolmen came to the house. I think that my conversation with him, knowing his name, and having his card handy will go a long way toward saving myself some of the hassles other people have experienced IF the police come to my home.

Third, I went ahead and made an appointment with the domestic abuse division at the Department of Social Services. My DSS angel and her advice were crucial to helping me find my footing in a very upsetting situation. In fact, I may want to revisit her soon. No sense in letting a great support person go unappreciated! Besides, I MAY need to visit her “for real” at some future date, and it’s a good idea for my record to be current.

Fourth, I talked with my medical doctor about what was going on at the house and the situation’s effects on my mental health. I was taking a medication that would be expensive without the military’s prescription program, so I switched to an anti-depressant that I can buy as a generic in case I ended up leaving my husband. The cost difference between Effexor and my new generic is substantial, and fortunately, the generic seems to be working.

Fifth, I went to Military One Source and talked to a military counselor who set me up with therapy appointments. If you are not military or do not want to go through Military One Source, then you could ask for a referral to a therapist at your doctor’s appointment.

Sixth, I found out about the Divorce and Separation Briefings that the military’s legal department offers. On our post, there are two briefings a week, and you MUST attend one in order to get one on one counseling from JAG. Technically, JAG cannot represent soldiers or dependents in civilian court, but that’s okay. If you go to JAG and go through the briefing, you’ll save yourself time and money if/when you do seek legal counsel. (*Note To Self: Return to JAG and complete the briefing. *Note to military dependents: I was pulled out of my briefing because I was in the office that held my husband’s legal documents like his Will, Beneficiary information, etc – stuff all soldiers must prepare before deployments. I have to go to THE OTHER office to receive my briefing, but I will receive it through JAG because its a service offered to ALL dependents and soldiers.)

Seventh, for me anyway, I opened my big mouth and started my website and this blog. I stopped being ashamed and started rousing support in a very public way. My family is supportive, but they’re not HERE, and because of my low opinion of myself at the onset of this ball of shit, I didn’t feel comfortable “making” new friends or even “enlisting” the friend or two I do have locally. By just showing up online, I’ve made dear friends – wiser and more supportive than most because we’ve all been “here” and, to varying degrees and with different objectives, are sick of being “here” anymore. If I didn’t risk embarassment or if I continued to believe that I was alone and always would be…well, let’s just say I am so happy that I opened my big mouth!

You may notice that there are very few people in my current support system who are going to call me just to see if I’m all right. When was the last time your doctor or sheriff called you just to shoot the breeze? LOL But you know, some of them (Victim’s Advocacy, DSS) do call from time to time, and I’m going to be seeing my therapist on a regular basis. I imagine if I didn’t show, she’d call to find out why.

It’s all right that they don’t call ME. The fact that I have benefited and will continue to benefit from their wisdom, education and support is phenomenally important to me. I went from being someone stuck in isolation to being someone who knows who to call and when. More importantly, I learned that my husband’s SAY-SO isn’t the only or even the right answer anymore.

I’ve got a network, baby! I’ve got a foundation to build upon, and my foundation is solid. I’m overwhelmingly grateful to everyone in my network, even those who will never call or write, but especially to the ones who will.

I pray that Margaret will soon have her network in place, too.

It’s late, and I promised myself a more normal schedule, so I’m headed to bed. BUT I also promised myself I’d post daily, so I’m racking my brain for something worthwhile to write.

Worthwhile to whom? you may ask. Well, since “you” may or may not be here at all, I guess I’m looking for something worthwhile to write FOR ME.

I think that I’ll mention two good things. Typically, the “good stuff” isn’t “worthwhile” because I have a bad habit of NOT letting myself be happy about even the tiniest thing. Unless it’s a kitten, pretty sunrise, or some other bit of god’s bounty shared with lil’ ol’ me.

On the whole, anything good that happens TO me doesn’t qualify as a reason to talk, write, or even think about it for very long. I have a history of depriving myself of good moments because there’s always so much that I need to “fix” (read: stuff that isn’t good gets most of my attention).

I’m stalling because I’m concerned over whether “you” will consider these things good or not…. I guess it doesn’t HAVE to matter so much. They gave me moments of peace and joy, so here they are:

I told my husband that I wasn’t going to leave, and he is utterly relieved and overjoyed about it. “I can’t tell you how happy I am about your decision,” he said yesterday. I am kind of in a joyful shock at his reaction. He didn’t say, “You made me happy.” He said that he is happy about my decision. The verbage is not normal for him, and “not normal” is exactly what I’m looking for.

Along with telling him about my decision, I also told him that my staying doesn’t mean that I’m going to go along as usual. I told him that I have a safety plan. I said that I got to decide when/if I felt threatened, and whether he thought I “should” feel threatened or not didn’t matter. I also mentioned that he could expect to continue seeing changes in me and in the way I relate to him and our boys. Anyway, I am not being bossy or “laying down the law.” How he reacts to me and how he honors or dishonors our vows is still on him…I’m done trying to covertly dictate what he should and shouldn’t do. Instead, I’m going to react to his choices in ways that are healthy for me.

I guess that is a two-parter. I’m happy about what he said to me, and I’m proud of myself for the way I told him I was staying.

The second thing I’m happy about is that Marc and I did NOT revert to yelling and screaming at one another today during a conversation that usually would have ended up that way. I’m optimistically hoping that the way I handled a conflict YESTERDAY had an influence on today, and that even though I didn’t go “by the book” yesterday, the method I chose was nonetheless effective.

So, two good things in as many days. I’m not deluding myself that I will always be successful, but I am growing more confident that I am capable of reacting and acting in a healthy manner. I also expect more conflicts to arise with both my husband and my son…but that’s okay. It took us a long time to get HERE, but it doesn’t have to take nearly that long to get better, healthier. I’m willing to suffer setbacks because I know they will offer me the opportunity to fine-tune myself.

It feels weird, explaining why I’m happy instead of why I’m sad. I don’t know if I “like” it, but I think I can get comfortable with it in time. Isn’t that funny? Not knowing if I “like” writing about happy stuff? I guess I’ve spent so much time waiting for the other shoe to drop that I haven’t allowed myself the luxury of happiness.

I think that being happy is harder than being sad. It seems more fleeting and less dependable than heart ache. But I can feel it now, and that is a turn for the better!

I do think it’s remarkable that these two happy situations came to pass just when I needed them most. I think my angels are hard at work to provide me with reason to continue. Thank you, ANGELS!

Today Marc and I went to the hospital to talk to another psychologist as required by Dr. C. Dr. C. wanted any applicable testing done on Marc and led us to believe this would include the chemistry-type and MRI-type testing to ensure there’s nothing physically “off” in his brain. However, today’s doctor opted for a personality test geared toward adolescents only. He said that from my description, there was no cause to suspect any brain chemistry issues as the problem, and after reading up on the causes of Marc’s unofficial diagnosis, I agree with him.

As you may remember, Dr. C. said that Marc’s behavior fit almost completely within the definition of Borderline Personality Disorder. Today’s doctor said that diagnosing teens with BPD is quite uncommon because an adolescent’s personality has yet to fully form. Typically, such patients are diagnosed with Conduct Disorder. However, after hearing the tale, today’s doctor said, “I can see why Dr.C’s preliminary diagnosis is borderline personality disorder.”

Talk about a lump in my throat.

After coming home, I looked up conduct disorder. The symptoms and causes are familiar. The causes are eerie – to think that I had a part in “creating” the disorder chills me to the core. And here I thought myself powerless.

Despite the preliminary diagnoses of BPD and/or Control Disorder, I am hopeful. I am thankful that we’re getting the help we need. I am grateful that we caught it now (although I wish I could have prevented it entirely, I can’t beat myself up about it because then I’ll be ineffectual in helping to treat it). I am also grateful that the causes are because of something I’ve done because that means I have a chance to undo them.

Of course, I can’t “undo” them…but I can start finding out how to unravel the knot.

This is a “RED FLAG” moment for those in abusive relationships. If you think that your role in the abusive relationship enables you to shield your children from ‘it’, think again. I have learned, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I helped warp my son’s mind when I thought things like, “I can make up for ‘it’ with love.” 

This knowledge is a heavy burden.  Is it one you want to own, too?