Between You and Me
I am not an expert on abusive relationships.
I do not know how to deal with them. I do not know if abusers will change. I do not know how to “live” in an abusive relationship, and I don’t know if it’s worth it to stay.
If you email me and tell me that your significant other abuses you in hope of me telling you how to stop it, you will not be satisfied with my response.
I will tell you to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224.
And I will tell you to leave right now if your abuser has escalated to physical violence.
ONLY by talking to someone with the knowledge and ability to help you will you find sanctity and sanity.
I realize that by sharing my experience through this blog and on my site, I may look like some sort of “expert.” Add to that the fact that I’ve been married for 17 (!) years, and you may think that I must have SOMETHING figured out. I MUST have been able to “cope” with or “respond” to the abuse in a satisfactory manner to have stayed for this long. Right?
Absolutely wrong. I am writing this blog BECAUSE I don’t know how to successfully “cope” with abuse. Not a clue. Everything I’ve tried to do, say or become has either increased the abuse or merely postponed it to another time, and that includes everything I did, said or became before I even knew it was abuse.
My ONLY source of sanity is my journals. Writing it out. Putting it on paper even if it doesn’t make sense at the time. And although my journalling habit may have kept me “sane” it is now only a record of past abuse, thought circles, and misplaced blame. My journals record depression, anxiety, angst, worry, fear, solving the wrong problems, guilt, anger, and hopelessness punctuated by the occasional short-lived ray of light that I wasn’t yet ready to see.
My angels tried to help me back then. I see it NOW.
My journals are a record; nothing more.
But, now they’re online for you so you can validate your own feelings and thoughts (which your abusers have almost convinced you are wrong). This blog is simply a “real time” journal. It’s an up to the minute record of my thoughts and feelings along with what I’m learning about abuse and what my thought process is as I try to figure out what to do next.
There’s no guarantee that I will EVER get it right.
Please don’t ask me how to make life with an abuser tolerable. I haven’t tolerated it well myself.
Possibly Related Posts:
- 05 thru 06
- Too Soon
- Why Did I Stay in My Abusive Marriage?
- More Verbal Abuse Testimonials
- Jennifer’s Abuse Testimonial
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June 25th, 2009 at 2:24 PM
Kellie,
Once again I applaud your wisdom. And your bravery.
The woman who wrote you likely is seeking emotional support more than anything else. Validation. Kinship. Your work is compelling, Kellie, gorgeous, eloquent. I can understand her reaching out to you. With your truths, you have profoundly touched her.
As for abuse, I recently interviewed LCSW Steve Becker. Our show, ‘It’s [Not] All In Your Mind, Dear: When Your Crazy-Making Husband Is A Narcissist’ is an empathic overview of the ‘why’ of many a husband’s emotional and mental abuse.
I hope your community finds it helpful.
All my best,
Martha
June 26th, 2009 at 12:55 AM
Martha, thank you for the compliments and the reminder. I feel overwhelmed knowing that there are SO MANY others out there walking in my shoes, and that makes me so very very sad. I wish I WAS alone in this. I wish my marriage was unique.
And at the same time, I feel so grateful to everyone who contacts me for the exact same reasons you gave. Kinship. Validation. Truth.
The one thing you forgot is a link to the show
Listen to “It’s Not All in Your Mind Dear” … I’m listening right now.