Wish in one hand,…
He doesn’t (and doesn’t have to) see things my way. He doesn’t have to understand me in order for my reality to exist. He doesn’t have to agree with me for my thoughts to be valid. He doesn’t have to feel the way I feel to make my feelings true.
I’ve sometimes wished that he would feel as miserable as me so he would understand how impossible it felt to be his wife. But now I know that even if he does feel the confusing, painful, threatening, anxiety-ridden, depressing and unceasingly self-hurtful ways I have felt, there is no guarantee that our relationship or that he will change.
I must stop wishing him to “feel the way I feel” because in order for him to feel like me, I have to act like him. I don’t care if he feels like me or not. I feel like me, and that is becoming enough.
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June 12th, 2009 at 9:53 AM
blog_update Wish in one hand,…: He doesn’t (and doesn’t have to) see things my way. He do.. http://tinyurl.com/kjrneb
June 13th, 2009 at 8:49 PM
I stumbled across your site by way of another blog and have spent the last hour or so reading your posts and watching your videos.
For the last couple of years I have been trying to extricate myself from a decade-long dysfunctional relationship with a passive aggressive person who has apparently made it her personal crusade to destroy everything in my life.
I found myself time and again having the very thoughts you have in your relationship – thinking that she would change, thinking that ‘we’ could work things out and that things could be better if only…
The truth is, get out while you can.
I paid the price for waiting and for trusting: because of her I lost my business, am fighting to save my house, and am looking at bankruptcy to put a small band-aid on the massive hole she has created for me. Worst of all I almost lost myself.
I don’t wish to sound defeatist, but it will not change.
You seem like a wonderful and intelligent person and it kills me to see you beating yourself up over someone who will never change. I learned my lesson. And it only took ten years.
June 15th, 2009 at 3:15 AM
Thank you so much for your comment and advice. I’ve heard too many stories like yours to count since I’ve gone “public” and it hurts to think you may be right. But honestly, I’m getting to the point that I believe you.
I feel that I must give him one more chance to change. When he redeploys, the Army has mandated some form of counseling. So far, he is resistant to sitting around with a bunch of “losers” who don’t want to be there either.
I’ll wait for the counseling to end, to see if maybe hearing it from other men will open his eyes. I know that hearing it from me only hardens his heart and cements his resolve to “never change”.
I don’t think he gets it.
June 15th, 2009 at 11:04 PM
hey. um..i’ve been reading thru your website and wow. like the person above, i stumbled upon this thru another website and it sounds like you’ve been standing in my living room, kitchen, bedroom, etc. i love him and am not leaving. despite the words, the threats, the belittling, etc. i can’t leave. why? i don’t know. i’m smart, worthy but with him, i’m crippled. I’ve lost everything that i was before and i’m completely at a lost as to how to move forward. i too think that i’ll give him some time, one more chance, explain things better. it’s gotta get better right? i’ve invested everything. given him everything. he’s got to see that i’m worthy at some point. right? it blows my mind that everything i say to make it better, is turned on me to make me feel worse. it’s my fault. always.
June 16th, 2009 at 12:34 PM
Joanna, I do know that you cannot explain things any better than you already have. You cannot prove to him that you are worthy of ANYTHING. So mark those two strategies as “NOT WORKING” and do something else.
I recommend reading any of Patricia Evan’s books, mostly “The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change?” In that book, you’ll come to realize that explaining things to him is a sure-fire way to keep you under his control.
After all, has explaining things to him EVER resulted in his permanent change? If he changed at all, it was only briefly…and then you felt the full force of “your words” used as a weapon against you.
The “nice guy/bad guy” strategy is designed to keep you under control, by the way. He acts nicely, you relax and start seeing a brighter future, but when he sees you relaxing – when he sees evidence that you are your own person and not his creation – he explodes. Not only are you upset and disappointed (again) but you start wondering what you could have done to bring on the punishment.
What DID you do? You separated yourself from him. You acted like yourself. You felt good about being “not him”. And he can’t have that.
You MUST be the part of him he despises because HE cannot be anything other than “right”. You MUST be wrong, you MUST be whatever he doesn’t want to be because he MUST be able to be right.
You’re fighting for an individuality you shouldn’t have to fight for from a person who would rather die than admit he’s wrong.
There is hope FOR YOU. It’s time to focus that feeling, hope, on YOU. You CAN conquer the crippling, paralyzing fear you live under. You will come to see a different future. You don’t have to leave him as you do this; you may not have to leave at all. BUT until you begin to unweave the web of lies he’s wrapped you in, you cannot possibly see a brighter future for YOURSELF or your marriage.
Go to your library (or sit at B&N with a mocha, YUM!) and read Patricia Evan’s books. She’ll help you free yourself.
September 13th, 2009 at 12:04 PM
What a great website you have put together!! Not much has been written from within the abusive relationship, and how to stay in one and cope as best as on can. I know of many people who decide to stay with their verbally abusive partner, others who have no other choice. I will recommend your website and blog to them.
Keep strong!