My Verbally Abusive Marriage

I was stumbling through the Internet today and turned up an interesting website entitled “Changing Minds -How we change what others think, feel, believe and do.”

One page in particular caught my attention. It’s topic is resisting persuasion, and I thought it may help me out because I feel that if I can resist his attempts to persuade me into second-guessing myself, wondering if he is absolutely correct about me, repeating the same argument, etc.

I discovered something interesting. The entire page sums up verbal abuse tactics used by abusers!

WHAT? I asked myself why “resisting persuasion” and “verbal abuse tactics” were one and the same. The only logical explanation that I can currently come up with is that he uses these tactics because he feels that I am trying to persuade HIM into thinking or doing something that he doesn’t want to do.

So what have I spent my married life trying to get him to buy? What do I want him to believe? What’s the underlying theme?

I want him to believe that my thoughts, feelings, and very existence is valuable. I’ve fought to be heard. I’ve tried to convince him that the way I feel is valid, the way I think is valid. I want him to believe that it is OKAY if we do not agree. It is okay if we behave differently. It is okay to be separate people although we’re bonded together in marriage.

And those very ideas are the ones that he resists. And he resists them using most of the techniques listed on the Changing Minds site.

Here’s the list from Changing Minds:Resisting Persuasion:
Attack: The best form of defending is sometimes to attack.
Blame: Make something their fault (and demand reparation).
Broken record: Keep repeating your refusal.
Can’t afford it: Show how you can’t afford what is being suggested.
Confusion: Act confused and put them off their stride.
Data dump: When they ask for information, cover them in detail.
Digression: Go off on a side track of talk.
Denial: Say that something is not true or did not happen.
Embrace, extend, extinguish: Pretend to agree then destroy.
Escalation: If you are pressured, get help.
Fake anger: Get cross and let them try to calm you down.
Fear, uncertainty and doubt (FUD): Sow seeds that make them less certain.
Filibustering: Non-stop talk to prevent others making their case.
Flight into health: Your problems magically go away.
Fuzzing: Keep things abstract and general.
Gaze avoidance: Do not get into a staring battle.
Higher authority: Refer the decision to a higher authority.
High ground: Grab the moral high ground and you are always right.
Hmm: Small noises that distract and confuse.
Ignorance: Profess ignorance in the topic.
I’ll think about it: Slow things down. Give yourself time.
Illogic: Use arguments that do not make sense.
Impracticality: Say ‘that won’t work’ or ‘It’s only theory’.
Interruption: Break up their flow with constant interruptions.
Mismatching: Do not let them copy you.
More data: Keep asking for more data.
Name the game: Tell them the tricks they are playing.
Not my job: Refuse work by claiming it is not your job.
Not surprised: Don’t be impressed, whatever they do.
Only theory: Discount ideas and explanations as ‘only theory’.
Pre-empting: Destroy their argument before they begin.
Procrastination: Put off until tomorrow the things you’re asked to do.
Reversal: Turn the tables and persuade them!
Qualifications: Counter a show of qualifications with better ones.
Say no: Just say no. That’s all.
Selective response: Only answer some things. Ignore the rest.
Silence: Say nothing (and watch them squirm).
Splitting hairs: Argue the detail.
Stonewalling: Holding to one position, no matter what is said.
Surprised: Be shocked that they would say such a thing.
Tears: If you can, get upset and turn on the tears.
Too…: Too early, too late, too expensive, etc.
Tried it: Say you’ve tried what is being suggested before (and it didn’t work).
Truth: Telling the truth ‘shall set you free’.
Unavailable: When they try to see you, be unavailable.
Unfair process: Object to the process. Say it’s unfair.
What about: Complexify by asking ‘what about…’.
Won’t work: Say that what is suggested will not work.
Yes, but: Agree, then show how they are wrong.
Yes, yes, no: Agree until you are asked to commit. Then say no.

Possibly Related Posts:

1. 05 thru 06
2. Resisting Temptation
3. Chocolate Bon Bons
4. I Am Hoping
5. Poking the Beast

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