My Verbally Abusive Marriage

I’m reading a book called The Gaslight Effect by Dr. Robin Stern. I read it almost cover to cover yesterday, knowing there were parts I wanted to go back to in the next couple of days. What I’m taking away from it right now is the idea that it is possible to keep a relationship in which “gaslighting” (control and manipulation) exists, but to do so, I have to be willing to leave. I don’t have to leave, but I have to be willing to leave; otherwise, the techniques to overcome and hopefully stop gaslighting cannot work.

Only by recognizing the fact that life would continue, that I would not “die” without my husband, can I possibly begin to think that life CAN be better – that I deserve more from my relationship than what I’m getting. Only by believing that I am worthy of respect EVEN IF HE DOESN’T GIVE IT TO ME, can I hope to stay married. And then, after I believe that (which I do), I can work to end the gaslighting.

As I work to end the gaslighting, because I believe I am worthy of respect (and the other bits that I’m being denied), there may come a time where the “work” is not worth the effort. If I remain exhausted and he continues to deny my right to have a separate opinion, a separate mind, THEN, because I know in my heart I deserve more, I may choose to leave him. Not in search of another man who gives me what my husband refuses, but I can leave because I know I will find more joy and peace outside of my marriage than I find within it.

All of the above does come from the book, but it is also what I’ve been thinking independently, before reading the book. In fact, when I was going through the quizzes and questions in the book, I realized that I had two answers for almost every question. One answer is for what I have been doing in response to his gaslighting, but the second answer was what I want to do NOW in response to his gaslighting. In some cases, the second answer was what I AM DOING now in response to his gaslighting.

But, here’s the rub: some things I am doing right now are aggravating the situation. In most ways, I’m not doing it “right”. In some ways, as I fight against his gaslighting, I am making things worse. That is NOT what I want to do. My ultimate goal is to make our marriage work. That’s what I want. That’s what I’m trying to do.

I’ll write some more about the techniques I want to begin using after I personalize them to myself and my marriage. Right now, I’m going to start another post because I see the word “fight” in the paragraph above, and I want to expound on that word.

Possibly Related Posts:

1. …As I fight against his gaslighting
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3. Dream World
4. Emergency Finances
5. New Blog at HealthyPlace.com

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